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  #11  
Old 07-10-2010, 04:13 PM
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Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn View Post
We hadn't discussed much about the shape that other relationships could take, but I was relieved when I heard him say, "I don't like the idea of us having secret people on the side. If it happens, I want them to be known to both of us, someone who can come over and everyone's okay with that."

I assured him that having people who had nothing to do with the other important parts of my life was not appealing to me, and that the sense of community and family were a very big part of what I was looking for. Isolated relationships would just feel like a failure and a distraction to the sorts of things I am interested in building.

I also pointed out that we needn't be the best of friends with one another's partners, simply that we would be able to find things to relate to them. I said that I would love to be able to cook special meals with his potential SOs, and enjoy having them over for the weekend, or maybe longer.
i was as somebody who was one such "secret" on the side relationship. i was secret form the world, but not from the poly couple i was involved with. i commend you and your SO on the fact that you both do not want these part time secret relationships. I AM NOT PUTTING THAT TYPE DOWN, if it works for some great for them, but it didn't work for me and i must say i am WHOLEHEARTEDLY thankful to see that another poly couple has said they don't want the "secret life" on the side.... makes me smile and feel that I'm not weird for wanting this. i know that's not the intention of this thread, but thank you. and i know you're not the only ones to say they didn't want to have a secret part time relationship on the side int he forum, but i happened to read your thread...and it made me smile and feel..normal, despite wanting a relationship which society has labeled un-normal...
thank you.
thank you....
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-16-2010 at 02:41 PM.
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  #12  
Old 07-12-2010, 08:58 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Some of the active unicorns on this site should have their own hidden area to talk amongst themselves, lol. Ceoli, HonestHeart, and others. Because they're just that darn special, lol. But really - all thee things we discuss are subtly - and not so subtly - different for them and from their POV. When they share their POV it's always special, and when they need to talk to people who "get it" the resst of us shouldn't ALWAYS have access to their thoughts or even express opinions.
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  #13  
Old 07-13-2010, 02:13 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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My screename was chosen for a reason. I've been there, I know how alternately awesome and hard it can be.

What's new and different for me is being poly in the context of a committed relationship. It's the first time I've had to take another person into account in such a way, and it's VERY different.

If I take the analogy of relationships as a betting game, before I met my husband, what was at stake was simply me and my own well-being. If my luck turned or the game was called, I could always walk away from the table. I could be playing in several games at once, but the people at the table didn't really mind. I was in some spectacularly memorable games, some that went for some time and were very good to me, but I was gambling because it was fun and fulfilling, and I had no obligations to be elsewhere.

Now, the rules have changed somewhat. Relationships are still a betting game, but now I'm representing my marriage, which has become the House. Already, the stakes are higher, but there's also more stability. As the House I have resources that I need to protect, and I am not the only person I need to think about. Would this game be a good game to run? Will there be enough profits for everyone? Who is excluded from play? Do we feel we have enough security to bring more people in?

Okay, so it's a hokey analogy.

I'm sure it's not true of every unicorn but I feel like I'm taking a much more proactive, responsible role than I did when I was being hunted, and I love the change.
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  #14  
Old 07-13-2010, 06:56 AM
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@formerunicorn- phew, it's a lot of work... but just as rewarding I would think. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be a unicorn with just myself to think about and be pursued. I have never tried it ever in my life. I have always had a lover. I can imagine though that you would have to think about those you are with though no? You would have to be an equal third in the relationship? Isn't that similar? or were you more of a secondary third? or even a tersiary unicorn?
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  #15  
Old 07-13-2010, 08:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I can imagine though that you would have to think about those you are with though no? You would have to be an equal third in the relationship? Isn't that similar? or were you more of a secondary third? or even a tersiary unicorn?
I thought this question might come up, and I'm glad you asked. Of course I had to think about the people I was with. They were relationships after all.

I tell my story elsewhere, but I was in two triads where I had been "hunted" that is specifically singled out for courtship and inclusion by partners in an already existing marriage. In this case the stage is set in certain ways: The married couple had already discussed the inclusion of another partner, they mutually decided I would be a worthy person, and they worked hard to make sure I felt welcome and wanted. This is some pretty powerful stuff! An incredible amount of validation comes out of being approached like that.

I was very happy in both triads, and my status was very fluid from secondary to primary and back again as time went on and our needs changed. There were times I lived at the house and participated in the relationships as a primary partner in terms of responsibility, care, and money, and there were other times when I was merely a large part of their lives, secondary in nature but still hugely and intimately connected.

I was very committed to the first triad, but I was shut out completely when they found out they were pregnant. It was heartbreaking for me, because I lost my lovers, my best friends, my refuge, everything that defined me. I went my own way and picked up the pieces alone. I eventually reconnected with them after the baby was born, but I couldn't trust they wouldn't abandon me again and we grew further and further apart.

Years later, the second triad was... so beautiful that I can't even put words to it right now. I was very fragile and broken when these two took me in, and they helped me find my strength again. While they left the invitation open for a long-term primary position in our relationship, at the time I was unable to pull my own weight and I was unwilling to let them pull it for me until I could. In hindsight I realize that they would have been there for me through whatever I needed, but I just wasn't mature enough at the time to see it. I will always regret leaving because I have never felt more accepted, more loved, period.

Love really does get amplified when it is shared with multiple people, and someday I hope to get there again. I come very close to that feeling in the small circle of my husband and I, but I am positive that means that I have found the right foundation to build a very loving extended family of my own.

Good grief, I'm sounding maudlin. Time for bed!
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  #16  
Old 07-13-2010, 03:35 PM
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I understand that shared love completely. Its gift to ourselves to be able to achieve it and a gift to those we achieve it with.

What happened that each relationship ended? I know several triads that ended. What happens? Other than the pregnancy one of course as you have explained it. I am assuming of course that the goal was longevity and realize that it isn't always.
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  #17  
Old 07-13-2010, 06:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
the girls draw a LOT of attention.....And I felt really, really, REALLY, uncomfortable for a few minutes......the girls all insist that I needn't do anything, they kind of think it's fun to watch people blow gaskets in their perception when they say those things, and that I don't need to worry.
I'm a bit of an exhibitionist myself and love attention, so I can relate to "the girls" and can imagine myself among them! However, if "our guy" was expressing so much discomfort, I would adjust my behavior a bit. I think they are being a bit insensitive. There are "Swing clubs" and other such places you could go and be just a naughty as you want in public, but this type of behavior could be dangerous as you could have been attacked by the entire group of guys.
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  #18  
Old 07-16-2010, 08:33 AM
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I too know unicorns exist - since I am one.
was never able to find a couple to be with long term in my 20's.

Never had a long term monogamous relationship before my husband. Knew when I was younger, that if I ended up with a woman - would miss a man.
and with a man would miss the kiss of a woman.

I'm Married to an open man (more bi, than not) and still hoping to find a woman to be with.

Some of my best loving experiences were in my 20's in various three somes.
I love commitment and honesty of marriage, but miss the group dynamic
and of course loving women.

I'm 42 and a mom of two beautiful boys.

Dont' know if I'll ever find another unicorn to be with. But, I do no they exist, when I look in the mirror.

Alma from New Mexico
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  #19  
Old 07-16-2010, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by AlmaMay View Post

I'm Married to an open man (more bi, than not) and still hoping to find a woman to be with.
Being married counters your ability to be a unicorn as it is defined. Sorry
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  #20  
Old 07-16-2010, 03:08 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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I think yu misinterpreted her post Mono - she was one, and expresses a uique sadness for believing she may not find one now like she was then.

Thank you for your post Alma; it read almost poetic to me. I hope you do find what you need, and I take some confort on your nehalf in feeling that should you find her, your husband would not interfere in your pursuit of that particular happiness. My screen name is derived from finding my soulmate and from what came of sharing with a unicorn or two, lately one that looks to be long term. Had I been more thoughtful in creating my account, I would have gone with "LuckiestManAlive" instead. I am aware of my good fortune, and feel for those still looking for that missing puzzle piece.
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