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  #31  
Old 02-20-2010, 12:34 AM
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Originally Posted by redsirenn View Post
I am so glad you wrote this. THIS is the basis for a thread I started a while back about needs... PLUS, needing someone to fill a need, is quite needy, isn't it... ew.
Well I find it a bit ew. But each to their own. I don't think one can necessarily tell at first. Sometimes NRE gets in the way and things are doing well, so why look at it. It seems to come to the surface in time sometimes. I have found out later or chosen not to pay attention before and then feel used or like I had the wool pulled over my eyes.
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  #32  
Old 02-20-2010, 12:52 AM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Actually, as someone new around here who doesn't know your histories or tendencies, I'm glad that GS cleared that up. I was interpreting Ceoli's comment as a form of "works best for everyone" and not "works best for me."

I guess it depends what you meant by relationships being "whole." I interpret that as "meeting all my needs" and like GS said, you can have a really awesome, functional, healthy relationship without it meeting all your needs. I'm bisexual and I really enjoy the love and sexuality of men and women. There's obviously no single person that could meet both those needs, unless they were one of those frogs that can change their gender. But I'm not sexually attracted to frogs, so that leaves me looking for a woman to add to my life and love.

When I say "whole" I mean not broken (as in important needs are not being met, making the relationship difficult to sustain). I don't know of *any* relationship style (mono, poly and everything in between) that works well when relationships are unhealthy and broken.

I'm also bisexual. I definitely have a different feeling about it, though. I don't see my bisexuality as needing to have both genders (and more since I don't believe there are only two genders in this world) in order to be satisfied. It simply means that I can and have been attracted to people who happen to be many different genders.
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  #33  
Old 02-20-2010, 04:48 AM
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You guys are making some excellent points and it's making me self-reflect...

I do admit that I have, in the past, been guilty of "looking for someone to satisfy x" ... and when I step back and think about it, that has *never* worked! At least not for romance... It's worked very well at fetish events when "I'm looking for someone to tie me up in front of all these people" and I don't think it left anyone feeling the least bit taken advantage of!

In my marriage, despite the fact that there are a few sexual acts that I would enjoy more of, likewise for my husband, I would still say that I have "the whole package." If someone put me in a police state and declared polyamory illegal, and I was forced to be with only one person at a time for the rest of my life, then I definitely don't feel I'd have to leave my husband in order to get my needs met. I feel that all my needs are met right now.

What Ceoli says about bisexuality also makes sense. Since I've never had a long-term relationship with a woman, and I've never felt that there's some huge gaping hole in my life, that should tell me that being in love with a woman isn't a "need" that I have. Perhaps a desire is a better term for it, and desires are very different from needs. I desire chocolate and vacations to the mountains. I need food and shelter. I enjoy both chicken and tofu as sources of protein, but if one is unavailable, I am very satisfied with the other.
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  #34  
Old 07-12-2010, 06:16 PM
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Its been a few months since I posted on here. My ex came to visit again this weekend after I hadn't seen him for a whole year. We had emailed a fair amount and spoken on the phone a few times. My husband had managed to meet up with him on 3 occasions through the year as they are good friends but I hadn't been able to see him.

Anyway.. this weekend was so lovely. After a year there are definitely still sparks between us. We were cuddling and hand holding a little (discreetly and away from the children) but he was helping out around the house, playing with the kids (of course they already know him since he's a longtime friend) and generally feeling like a really comfortable person to have around. When it was almost time for him to leave I got to sit on the couch between my husband and him and hold both their hands and at one point had them both stroking my leg. Then when he left I kissed him goodbye after asking my husband if it was ok to do so. I told him I think I want a relationship with him but I need to get to know him some more and really really take our time because I definitely don't want to cross any lines and risk hurting my husband, or losing our friend.

Sorry for the dull update lol, this must be one of the slowest growing relationships ever I think.
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  #35  
Old 07-12-2010, 07:10 PM
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Sorry for the dull update lol, this must be one of the slowest growing relationships ever I think.
Sounds to me like you are building a solid foundation. The rewards of taking your time can be incredibly gratifying and satisfying. Personally I like your "dull" update because it seems you are seeing past the blinding light of NRE and actually thinking every step of the way. You're concern for the existing friendship and the emotions of your husband are a great example!
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  #36  
Old 07-12-2010, 07:15 PM
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Thankyou very much! I was thinking how much this year of not seeing him has been helpful in allowing us to have some of the NRE stuff die down before we moved on at all.

My husband has been so so wonderful this whole weekend, he took the kids out to the park on the Sunday morning so our friend and I could stay alone together to talk and on our outings he arranged it so he took our six year old (and another family friend) in his car so that I could travel alone with our 2 year old and my ex so that we could talk further. I am so in awe of his thoughtfulness and kindness and the trust he placed in us.
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  #37  
Old 07-13-2010, 12:16 AM
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Actually its really nice to hear post NRE posts. They speak volumes to what comes along later and how "normal" comes around eventually. Thanks for posting your dull, yet inspiring post
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  #38  
Old 07-13-2010, 01:04 PM
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I'd like to see more "dull" posts. It seems this forum gets a lot of the DRAMA of the coming out, the NRE and the Jealousy struggles.

I like seeing the progression to a new comfortable "normal."

Heck, I'd like to see the end of some of the older introductions... how are they doing? How did it work out?
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  #39  
Old 07-13-2010, 02:28 PM
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Yes I love hearing how things work out. I'm fortunate enough to have lots of fb friends I met on the forum and get to see that of course the venue is totally different and we all get to be far more light there. Its interesting to see where peoples lives go and I have learned a lot about what dynamics works and what don't from continued friendships
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