New and need advice

Background- I'll make this as short as I can.

I dated a guy +10 years ago, we've remained in contact ever since. 4 years ago we started talking about a relationship again, but I had just gotten out of a long term thing and needed time. He got tired of waiting and moved on. When I brought it up again, he told me he couldn't be monogamous anymore and didn't know how to be only with me (he didn't know the term was polyamorous). I refused to enter into a relationship like that and things have been a mess since. He started seeing someone new and she was informed prior to their relationship that he would not be monogamous. She claimed to be ok with that and they established rules. She never followed through on her end of the bargain. In the meantime, he and I had decided we wanted to work things out, with me remaining mono and him poly. She told him he could be with anyone but me. She and I basically hate each other's very existence. They broke up recently and have just gotten back together with the condition that she must accept me as his partner. She is bi and initially told him she was mono, but has told him she will always want to be with women also, so more monogamish (if that's the term?). It won't be me as I'm not interested in women and neither of us find the other the least bit attractive. Any advice for starting a poly relationship? Can a poly be in relationships with 2, basically mono partners? How do I do this?

IS THERE ANY POSSIBLE WAY THIS CAN THIS WORK????

-Freaking Out

Well you and her need to learn to get along. Th concept of hinge seems logical if you are I dunno, all emotionally barren and able to ignor any sadness created by issues with a partners other relationship. Provided nobody is using polyamoury as an excuse for toxic behaviour, which it sounds like he is, being he is an adult and is probably aware it's cruel to expect someone mono to bend to poly when they don't want to and probably knows that people will go along with that because they like him.

Hi kwags27,

I am thinking that the thing to do here is to limit your contact with the other woman if you can. It would be helpful if you and she could be capable of politeness in each other's company, but if you can't you can't. So can it work? Maybe. You will have to give it the old college try and see how it goes.

If you'll keep us posted going forward, we can offer updated advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you, Kevin!

I do try to stay away when I know she is in town because my presence upsets her, but we are able to put up with each other when necessary. Last summer, I invited her to several dinners in my home (the gentleman in question was living with me at the time, yikes!) and we have met for coffee on occasion. The three of us have had group conversations, as well as just her and me. She has even called to vent about him when they were having problems. I thought we could at least bond in some way, but she is stubborn. She loses control when she is angry and will send me texts or messages attacking me. In person, we are always polite.

Well that isn't a perfect state of affairs, but it sounds tolerable. Who knows, maybe things will get better in the future.

Hello again! (I replied in your other thread)


Short answer: yes, it absolutely can work. Metamours don't have to like each other or have their own relationship. Functionally, it's not much different than if he had a best friend or family member with the same attitude towards you. How would you manage that?

It is challenging, even more so considering the mono/poly blend. This requires very strong "hinge" skills from him and if he's new, he likely doesn't have those yet. I hope he's willing to research and that your communication is good. There are probably threads here discussing how to be a good hinge. Maybe check those out?

My advice is don't feel pressured to be involved with her, or his and her relationship, any more than necessary. If you don't like getting texts from her? Then don't. Don't want to hang out with her? Then don't! Definitely don't vent or discuss your boyfriend together. Don't listen to your boyfriend complaining about her to you, and ask him not to complain about you to her. Don't let it into your life. That's up to you to enforce for yourself. You choose the level of involvement she has in your life.

I would ahead of time clarify what things are private and what things aren't in your relationship with him. Emails? Texts? Talks? Sex details? Be very clear about this. Trust me; it can really hurt to assume something was private then find out it was shared because your partner didn't assume the same!

Then just focus on your relationship with him. Are you getting enough time? Affection? Be clear about your needs from him (that don't relate to her).

It truly doesn't matter what he does with his time away from you, if it's jobs, hobbies, family, friends, or her, as long as you two are getting enough from each other and invest in each other. Also remember, any actions he takes are HIS choice, not hers. He's responsible and can't blame anyone else. So deal with him. She's not your problem.

I would like to thank all of you for your advice so far! I've been checking out other posts and some of the resources here. I stopped by and asked my guy if he could do some research on becoming a strong hinge for our group and he is going to try. I have also started making a list of what I feel I need from him for this to work, and I asked him to do the same. He agreed. We have taken some time apart to work on our "project" and we are going to have a small dinner soon to discuss.

Things are not much better on the metamour front. She was at his place when I stopped by and I told him I would stay outside and make it quick. She came to the door while we were saying goodbye and, completely ignoring me, said (with great attitude of course) "it's been more than 5 minutes. Are we going to watch this movie or should I just go?" Then she gave home the death stare and waited for his reply. He said he was finishing up and she stalked off. So, no contact for us and I agree limiting that is best. We haven't spoken in almost 3 weeks.

I'll keep you all posted! I'm sure I'll need advice on jealousy soon....

Good luck and just let us know how we can help.

Hi Kwags,

If you like him a lot, then just be your best for him, ignore her but don't speak harshly of her. This might sound mean, but the aim of this is to hope that he gravitates towards you in the end because you are being the more mature adult.

Jealousy will be difficult to deal with, for both you and her. Have a look up the forum here about it.

Finally, I think it may help with the jealousy if you have a life that doesn't depend on him. Consider finding a wide circle of other friends and activities that don't involve him. Your self worth, self esteem and self confidence would be healthier if they are based on things that are not related to him. This way, when it seems like he's choosing her over you (he may not be choosing her over you, but some days it will seem like that), then you won't feel crushed. Imagine Kwags, if this relationship was the most important thing in your life and you were to spend every effort you could to make it work and you perceive it to not be working - how crushed would you be as a person and how much of a failure might you feel if you can't even get the thing you want most despite your best efforts?

I used to think polyamory was about lots of love. I think polyamory is more about loving yourself. Your partner(s) all have their own lives and their other lovers. If you don't love yourself first and foremost, then when your partner(s) are off with your other partners, you will feel an emptiness and loss if you don't also love yourself. Your partner(s) are icing on the cake of your happiness. You have to find happiness and be able to live a life on your own. Polyamory is sometimes not so much about lots of love as it is about being able to live without love, and using extra love as icing on the cake of life.