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  #11  
Old 07-09-2010, 07:45 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Imperfect View Post
I guess my thoughts and feelings are safer to stay in my own head than on here. I bash myself for my complex feelings on loving more than one for the last year, I didn't need it here as well.

I guess the census is that I should ignore the love in my heart for L and force my heart to only love Hurt...I tried that for a year, it isn't that easy. I have tried to push back my feelings but then I feel sad and close myself off from the world. I don't do well when I have to keep things in, makes me feel like I'm being dishonest.
You haven't been dishonest and no you shouldn't keep your love in...or your thoughts. Whether you do on hear or not, because some one pushes you is up to you, but remember we don't know you and you don't know us... you don't know what buttons you press with any of us and visa versa...

It's important to remember that we are all trying to figure shit out and you can either take it or leave it in terms of what people say, but getting emotionally involved with what others say on here is a waste of your time and energy... you have enough on your plate I would think. Just listen, take it in, use what others say and toss what isn't needed aside is my way of doing it. I like to remember also that people spend a lot of time and thought when they post on here. It is a gift that anyone responds at all I think... they don't have to, I could go to therapy and pay.

Poor Hurt, I can totally relate to him and his feelings of not being able to look at you. He said he would look at you differently and he does... you have broken something that our culture holds sacred. Our fidelity to our husbands. That is big to some people. It is big to me still and we are in a functioning poly relationship. It's hard to shake what has been so enground.

I hear you when you thought that it wouldn't work to get the men together, but seriously, it won't work any other way I don't think.

I am thinking that you are immersed in the residual emotions of what has happened, but really... when you are finished what seems like emotional turmoil from this end and you decide that rather than beating yourself up for loving two men and sitting in the pain you have caused everyone (pain that was unavoidable btw), then please read these forums again and look for how people do this properly (as close to properly as can be that is), before going off on another week or two with your other man....

As much as you want to hog him for yourself, it will not work unless you involve him with your husband. You will never have the chance to hog him for yourself without shame and guilt unless you create a relationship based on three. I truly believe that is the way to do it for the long haul. Your husband, sounds like, is not the type that will survive you going back and forth between men forever. He sounds like the type that would get it better if he knew who you love so much.

Other than that I really don't know what to say... it sounds like you have to get through a lot of strong emotions before moving forward on anything. Or that sounds like the reasonable thing to me anyways.
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Last edited by redpepper; 07-09-2010 at 07:52 AM.
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  #12  
Old 07-09-2010, 11:26 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by Imperfect View Post
I bash myself for my complex feelings on loving more than one for the last year
You should let go of that. Loving more than one person is not something you should feel guilty about. It's likely to make you defensive and not take the feedback you're getting in the spirit it's intended.

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Originally Posted by Imperfect View Post
I guess the census is that I should ignore the love in my heart for L and force my heart to only love Hurt
Well, I don't think that. Look... I think maybe if you were to let go of the idea that you have to defend having feelings for L for a moment and ask yourself if reconnecting with L could have gone a bit better, you'd agree that things weren't done with perfect elegance. That's normal; we're human, there is not much support for this kind of thing, etc.

The poly- community is full of resources on how to do multiple romantic relationships well. You should make use of them. It will make everyone involved's lives better if you can put some time and energy into developing poly- relationship skills, ask for advice and get feedback, and learn about ways to support Hurt in what he's going through.

Last edited by jkelly; 07-09-2010 at 11:26 PM. Reason: Formatting
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  #13  
Old 07-10-2010, 01:12 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
You should let go of that. Loving more than one person is not something you should feel guilty about. It's likely to make you defensive and not take the feedback you're getting in the spirit it's intended.

The poly- community is full of resources on how to do multiple romantic relationships well. You should make use of them. It will make everyone involved's lives better if you can put some time and energy into developing poly- relationship skills, ask for advice and get feedback, and learn about ways to support Hurt in what he's going through.
Great post jK! It is very true,this forum is great for diverse feedback but there are so many other resources you can tap into as you are going through the transition going from mono to poly, or mono/poly relationships.

Imperfect- it is really hard sometimes to hear opinions when you are not ready to admit to yourself what your actions have caused, no matter the intention. No one thinks you should giveup on either of your loves. They are just saying there is a process and it ain't easy going. As far as divorce, you have to be realistic in thinking that it is always a possibility because not everyone can accept/embrace. I am a perpetrator of "hurry up and get there" tactics...doesn't always (cough-usually) ever work. There have been some real rough times for me, my husband, KT and 2Rings over the course of our year and a half journey. But I have found most people who post on here, do so with respect and best intentions. So as sensitive as you may be feeling...don't let it discourage you.
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  #14  
Old 07-11-2010, 07:46 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Great post jK!
Oh, thanks!
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