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Old 07-11-2010, 05:37 AM
dancingalone dancingalone is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Wilds of Wyoming
Posts: 17

My best advice is to call the nearest rape trauma center or abuse refuge center. They will help you find the right kind of help(therapy and support) to overcome this trauma, and maintain your relationship with your SO. These centers are targeted specifically toward the abuse you've suffered and they will not trivialize your feelings. They are your best bet for getting the right kind of help.

I would also like to reiterate: YOU did nothing wrong. You are not at fault. Men have the right to say NO, too. Regardless of the basis of her behavior, she crossed the line, you didn't. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I hope that this helps you.
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Old 07-11-2010, 08:10 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Arizona
Posts: 135

It may also be important for you to hear that you don't need to talk yourself out of any of your reactions to the event. You don't need to get to work on changing how you feel. Men are always trying to change how they feel. I guess women are too, a lot of the time, but men who have experienced trauma are amazing this way. I know many men who have been through abusive situations and who have been sexually assaulted and really minimize these experiences and try to talk themselves out of their feelings. "Nothing happened, she was just a little aggressive, I should have just not gone in the tent," etc., etc. The thing is to feel, to just let those feelings be whatever they are. This terrifies a lot of people but men especially. Speaking from experience! The last thing I want to take seriously is my emotional response to having been violated. I will fight, fuck, drink, become bitter and cynical and hide my heart away rather than feel these feelings of being vulnerable, of having been used, hurt, ridiculed by the acculturated voices in my head or somehow having been "less than a man." These wounds to our male pride go very deep indeed and we are bound to "be strong" and "toughen up" and "get over it" way more quickly than is humanly possibly simply through the tidal power of denial and avoidance.

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Old 07-11-2010, 04:54 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 96

Originally Posted by otter View Post
quote[ I have to work a little harder at this part because I have always had an uneasy relationship with anything sex related in the first place ] quote

After reading this I understand why this is hitting you so hard. This problem runs deeper then just this one encounter. I would like to incurage you to seek help. You really need to find out where these feelings are coming from. You need to come to peace with them before you can truly come to peace with your self.
I wish you the best of luck. It is horrible what she did to you, but it truly sounds like a deeper problem.

Well, that's the thing. I know exactly what the deeper problem is and, as per a lot of therapists, there isn't a lot to be done about it.

In a nutshell, I believe very, very strongly that my life would be infinitely easier without sex and the desire for sex(I also theorize that the same is true for most people, but I don't want to speak for them). If I look at the relationships I have had, almost all of the poor decisions I have made can be attributed to the desire for sex. I have talked with therapists, biologists, monks, priests, and everyone else I could get my hands on(this was something that from the ages of around 16-26, it was one of my primary pursuits). What I have found out is that my desire for sex is not higher than the average person for my age group and gender and there are no means to eliminate or reduce it significantly. I also found out that most people in my age group and gender have the exact same things happen and that my experience isn't unusual. The only difference in my case is that I saw the pattern while most people don't.

So, yes, there is a deeper problem. Unfortunately it is a deeper problem that people have been trying to resolve since Saint Augustine and I don't think that I am better than the best minds of Christendom.
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Old 07-11-2010, 05:46 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 96
Default Ok, here's an update...

I went to the gym this Friday and it was a trainer day.

Even though I know that I shouldn't repress my feelings, there is something very helpful about setting aside feelings for an hour or two while focusing on something else. The hurt in my shoulders and my arms is something that I can relate to immediately and the weakness in my arms is something that is very present.

I have had a little bit of time to think about things. It isn't my fault, but that doesn't mean that I am certain that I couldn't have prevented it. I can't help but be irritated at myself for that.

Right now I'm splitting my time between sitting with my feelings, not allowing myself to get mired into them, and trying to think of how to keep this from happening again.

The feelings involved are pretty unpleasant to say the least. Anger and hate(two emotions that I do separate, though they do feel very similar) compete with a lot of sadness and hurt. The thoughts come and go as I sit, waiting for the thoughs to die down so I can rest. Unfortunately the thoughts right now have a lot of momentum, but that just means(in my experience) that I just need to sit a bit longer. As per my religious tradition, I try to dedicate the hurt in the following way, "May my feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger be dedicated to all those who have suffered in this way so that no people may suffer in this way ever again." I know to someone who is not of my tradition it sounds odd, but it does help and it is something I feel very sincerely. Not only do I wish that I didn't feel this, but I wish that nobody would have to feel this.

I'm also trying to keep busy so that I don't let the feelings overwhelm me and go into a full depression. I got some more straightening done around my apartment, I have another gym visit planned for today, and am planning on getting some laundry done. To the outside observer this might not be a lot of stuff to do, but as someone who(long before this happened) was diagnosed with depression, it is significant in regards to keeping the "Black Dog"(as Churchill called it) at bay.

I've found everyone's responses very helpful in this thread. Thank you for providing them.

I think the one good thing to come from this is that my want for another girlfriend has dimmed quite a bit and sex from anyone isn't even a concern and probibly won't be for awhile.
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