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  #11  
Old 07-09-2010, 05:08 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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The key to my being fulfilled in my relationship as the mono secondary is simple. I put the health of the primary relationship ahead of my own. Because I give as much as I can, what I need comes to me naturally. The health of their relationship is my responsibility because the health of my relationship with Redpepper depends on it. The other part of that equation is genuine love for her husband as a brother essentially. If you are looking for "family", nothing else will do in my opinion.

All these relationships come down to a basic idea: identifying what we want out of them. What do you want? What do they want? Once you all know this, then you can better decide how much interaction with his wife is needed.
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  #12  
Old 07-09-2010, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
@Red Pepper, according to my understanding of the wiki definition of polyamory anyone who is accepting/involved with polyamorous relationships is polyamory. So as a SO newbie already is poly. Just makes us monos feel more included.
hmmmm.....Mono would not agree I think. He does not want inclusion or to think he is in a poly relationship. When I am with him, we are monogamous, right down to monogamous friends... (although we hang out with poly friends too). It is our way of making sure that he feels "normal" in the context of mono life. He is mono, he needs to have his peeps, just as poly people need their peeps!

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Thank you for laying this out for me so clearly. I think that is what A has been trying to convey to me, but he didnít want to be as direct about it. Youíre right. Thatís his job, not mine.....

At one point, I did arrive at the conclusion that A and his wife voluntarily and intentionally opened up their marriage before A even knew me, so any byproduct of that decision was theirs to discuss and address.
I actually agree with this only to a point. If this is a short term thing that you are only interested in for the moment, then yes... it is his problem only and nothing to do with you, but is sounds like you want this to be for the long haul... therefore, it eventually needs to be about you too. Poly brings on not only fights/discussion between a coupling within a tribe, but fights/discussions between everyone or any number of people involved. This is what makes it work for a longer time is because everyone is being open and honest... everyone is sharing their feelings and dealing with others.

Eventually you will have to meet her and become closer... there is no way I have seen this to work to everyone's comfort otherwise.
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  #13  
Old 07-09-2010, 10:02 AM
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Hi Newbie
I'm happy to share my experience. This will bring you up to speed in a nutshell: I was in very long term marriage and had tinkered with opening it up. So when it ended I was philosophically open to polyamory when I met my poly partner. I thought I'd be OK with it but as my love for him grew my anxiety about it grew and my desire to have anyone else disappeared.

Just like your lover's wife will have to do I had to work through it. Most of that work was done between my partner and I. I can honestly say that i have never really blamed his SO. I have had issues with the way she has handled herself at times but that is a whole other story. I have told her how I felt when I've had a problem, nicely of course, and she's always respected it when I've asked for certain boundaries. We are at the stage where I am now actively trying to build a relationship with her, and having some success. As the partner in the V I would rather be more of a triad, I just think it would work better all round and it's what my partner wants. That's one of the reasons why I consider myself a polyamorous mono (at this stage). It's taken me two years to get to this point I might add.

I can see where your lover's wife has found your relationship a bit hard. You can "academically" accept something but you never know how it can throw you until it actually happens. I can see how the intensity of your relationship may have pushed her. But she signed on for it. At this stage anyway I don't think you should be worrying about it.

Oh and I've learned the hard way about telling other people. I wouldn't tell anyone until you are very sure of yourself, or they were polyamorous. Other people just reflect back to you your own anxieties which is useless to you. I started moving ahead in leaps and bounds when I started looking for the positives in my situation. If your friend can't/won't respect your relationship you may have to pull back from her for a while. At the very least don't vent to her, don't discuss your relationship with her and ask her just to respect your decision. I have had to do that with my daughter who thinks I'm "abnormal" and it seems to be working.

Good talking with you

Last edited by sage; 07-09-2010 at 10:06 AM.
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  #14  
Old 07-09-2010, 02:23 PM
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Thanks so much for the advice! I genuinely appreciate it, and although Iím feeling really nervous about bringing these things up with A, Iím also feeling so much more clarity. So, thanks!

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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
All these relationships come down to a basic idea: identifying what we want out of them. What do you want? What do they want? Once you all know this, then you can better decide how much interaction with his wife is needed.
With all of my confusion and uncertainty, I hadnít been able to break it down this simplyóthank you. This gives me a concrete starting point. Until we answer these questions, I guess my worrying and speculating are pretty pointless.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I actually agree with this only to a point. If this is a short term thing that you are only interested in for the moment, then yes... it is his problem only and nothing to do with you, but is sounds like you want this to be for the long haul... therefore, it eventually needs to be about you too.
I think Iíve known this is true; Iím just scared of the potential consequences. I guess Iím afraid that Iíll find out that she doesnít want to meet me or dislikes me orÖsome other thing that will rock the boat and negatively affect the entire situation. But I guess if thatís the case, I need to know that. Thanks

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Originally Posted by sage View Post
I can see where your lover's wife has found your relationship a bit hard. You can "academically" accept something but you never know how it can throw you until it actually happens. I can see how the intensity of your relationship may have pushed her. But she signed on for it. At this stage anyway I don't think you should be worrying about it.
Thanks so much for sharing your story! And thank you for emphasizing that things take time to develop. I guess I just wanted things to jump to stable place where I know where everyone stands and what the future holds. But apparently I need to slow down and let things unfold at their own pace.

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Originally Posted by sage View Post
If your friend can't/won't respect your relationship you may have to pull back from her for a while. At the very least don't vent to her, don't discuss your relationship with her and ask her just to respect your decision.
Iím having a really hard time with this one. Iím used to telling her pretty much everything. But I guess I need to just suck it up, at least for a while, and find more appropriate means of venting and discussing when I need to.

Again, thanks for all the advice, everyone. Iíll work on mustering up enough courage to discuss these things with A. And Iím sure when that happens, Iíll be back with even more questionsÖ
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  #15  
Old 07-09-2010, 08:08 PM
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You seem like a really lovely person and I wish you all the very best.

My daughter is my best friend (apart from my partner), so I know how much of a struggle stepping back from that relationship is especially when you're going through new things that are both challenging and wonderful. You want to share and I used to share just about everything with her. I suppose in a way I have replaced parts of my relationship with her right here on this forum. We still have a great relationship but as I can't talk about such a significant part of my life with her it isn't what it was.

You are in an even more difficult position because your love doesn't live with you, so why don't you start a blog in the blog and life story section. Just share with us how things are going, your achievements and challenges. I for one am very interested to know how you go.

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  #16  
Old 07-09-2010, 09:35 PM
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I can't respond to this from the point of view of a mono partner, but I am in a similar position to A; I'm married and also have a boyfriend. My boyfriend isn't mono, but so far he only dated someone else for about a month of the time we've been together, so my experience has essentially been that of being his only partner. Obviously I can't speak for A, but I can say that in my situation, I don't want my boyfriend to ever feel like he comes second or that our relationship doesn't have equal consideration in my life. My husband and I have a daughter, and so in some ways the family has to come first. But I don't think of the two relationships in a hierarchical way, and it sounds like that's the same way A feels about you. I think you should enjoy your relationship and not put too much weight on the "what ifs" for the future. Like others have said, it's totally possible that you *can* end up eventually being included in A's family and his life the same way a monogamous partner would be. There was a period of time when I kind of struggled with guilt over not ever being able to offer my boyfriend the possibility of a "traditional" future; even though he would never want a marriage regardless, it was strange getting used to the idea that we were together but without a possibility of even moving in together eventually, progressing along those typical mono lines. But now I realize that there's no reason we can't have a future, it's just a future that looks different than what we're used to thinking about. Now, we talk about the possibility of all living together someday, and my boyfriend is definitely increasingly becoming part of my family. I think as long as you love each other, and you can be comfortable with his situation with his wife, there's no reason to think that the possibilities for your future are severely limited.

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Originally Posted by newbie View Post
Now that Iím thinking about it, my fears/concerns about Aís relationship with his wife stem from my friendsí judgments about this relationship. My best friend is trying to be supportive but canít understand how any of this is ok. At one point, I did arrive at the conclusion that A and his wife voluntarily and intentionally opened up their marriage before A even knew me, so any byproduct of that decision was theirs to discuss and address. All that really mattered to me was that I love A and love being in a relationship with him. But my friend said that my attitude made her sad and, without actually saying it, made me feel like Iím selfish and have the capacity to be a homewrecker.
I have no real advice in regard to this, but just wanted to say that I completely sympathize. My boyfriend has friends who think that it's absolutely unethical of him to be with me, and many of my friends try to be supportive but just can't understand. For me, one of the most difficult things about this journey into poly has been the loss of a support system; friends I'm used to turning to about everything are no longer able to understand my life at all. It can be lonely sometimes.
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  #17  
Old 07-10-2010, 05:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
You are in an even more difficult position because your love doesn't live with you, so why don't you start a blog in the blog and life story section. Just share with us how things are going, your achievements and challenges. I for one am very interested to know how you go.
Thank you for the kind words, and for this suggestion! I actually will do that.

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Originally Posted by SayYes View Post
But I don't think of the two relationships in a hierarchical way, and it sounds like that's the same way A feels about you. I think you should enjoy your relationship and not put too much weight on the "what ifs" for the future. Like others have said, it's totally possible that you *can* end up eventually being included in A's family and his life the same way a monogamous partner would be.
Thanks for sharing your perspective! It sounds like A does approach things in much the same way, and itís reassuring to hear that it, in your case, it has resulted in mutually rewarding relationships for everyone involved. Iím trying to let go of the ďwhat ifs,Ē but that approach to life is kind of hardwired into me. Iím a worrier. I get it from my grandmother. But Iím working on it!
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