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Old 07-06-2010, 08:33 PM
semprefire semprefire is offline
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Exclamation impending custody battle

Hi,
First let me apologize if there is a thread somewhere but time is not on my side in this situation.
I am the married mother of a 2 and a 4 year old who only very recently discovered polyamory. I was introduced to it in completely non-sexual manner. I became very close friends with a poly triad and they have supported my choice to leave my emotionally and mentally abusive husband. You see, he has been basically isolated me from friends I have had for years, accusing me of sleeping with them. He limited the amount of time I spent doing my volunteer work, and a myriad of other examples. I deeply love my children, and would NEVER do anything to put them at risk. The triad that considers me part of their family, are all safe sane caring adults who also care about my children. My husband is vehemently opposed to them spending time with any of them even in my presence. He feels that they are bad influences. May I add that when the idea of becoming involved with them first came up and it would have been me him and one of the other women he was ok until he found out she was not his ideal (heavierset). Then it became immoral and wrong. He is planning on using my bisexuality and polyamorous lifestyle as a way to take my kids away.

That being said I have actively exhausted most of the resources I have been referred to, so I am open to any and all suggestions. Please don't flame me and tell me I am doing poly "wrong" I don't have the time or energy to handle that right now.
Thanks in advance for your time and energy!
Semprefire
Sent from my blackberry please excuse any typos!!
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  #2  
Old 07-06-2010, 09:50 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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One thing I am confused about is whether you are actually in a poly relationship with any of these friends. If you are, then you have a big battle on your hands. If you are not and they are only friends, then that should not be usable against you (all depending on country/state laws). I doubt that you will get flamed here, so far you seem to be doing the right thing.

I unfortunately do not have any resources to give. I'm sure that there are listings available for poly or alt lifestyle friendly lawyers. I would also research local laws regarding divorce and parental suitability. Many states won't care if you are poly or bi or gay as long as the children are properly cared for. Was your husband emotionally and/or mentally abusive to your kids? If so, can you prove it? Are you living with these friends or have your own place? Who has custody of the kids now? Lots of questions will come up here and in court. But here, you are "safe" from most trolls and flaming, although you may not always like what you read.

I wish you the best of luck. You have a hard battle coming ahead, which I'm sure you already know. If you want any more help, scavange the forums here as I know there was something discussed at one point, but also if you at least tell us what state/country you live in, that might help for those of us who are Googlephiles.
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Old 07-06-2010, 09:51 PM
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sage sage is offline
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Hi and welcome

I'm sure you'll get lots of good suggestions from those experienced in these kinds of things. They will probably need a bit more information however. Where you live seems to be quite important as laws are very different in different places. Also are you going to be living with the others in your triad? I'm sure that would make a difference. Thankfully where I live you can't discriminate on these grounds.

It does feel as if you're very wound up. Threatening to take the kids is probably one of the oldest and nastiest threats that gets made in marriage splits. It's your husband's most effective tool in pulling your chain and it's obviously having the desired effect. It sounds like he's done this all through your marriage in different ways. At some point you are going to have to unhook the chain, otherwise all the same issues you had in your marriage will follow you right out of it.

Take care


Sage

Last edited by sage; 07-06-2010 at 10:00 PM.
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Old 07-07-2010, 01:21 AM
semprefire semprefire is offline
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So sorry! We are in the US, Virginia. I am a disabled military vet, he is active duty. My home of record is Maryland I am not sure where we can file.

Its a MFF triad at the moment, I have been minimally sexually involved with one of the women with my husbands blessing at the time. Once the divorce is final I do plan on becoming involved with them.
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Old 07-07-2010, 02:58 AM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by semprefire View Post
So sorry! We are in the US, Virginia. I am a disabled military vet, he is active duty. My home of record is Maryland I am not sure where we can file.

Its a MFF triad at the moment, I have been minimally sexually involved with one of the women with my husbands blessing at the time. Once the divorce is final I do plan on becoming involved with them.
First and foremost, find that lawyer. Secondly, put a hold on any and all sexual relations until after the divorce and custody is finalized, just to be safe. You don't want to give him any more ammo. But again most important is finding that lawyer. A few of the poly info sites have poly friendly professional listings if you haven't checked them out yet.

Good luck!
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Old 07-09-2010, 01:48 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Definately want to put a hold on sex while you fight this battle-yes I know that sucks.
Definately want a lawyer.
Definately need to research the laws in your area. Different states have different laws regarding what is and what is not allowed in a sexual relationship/marriage etc and that CAN be used against you in some states regarding custody.
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Old 07-09-2010, 04:38 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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My two cents:

I agree with LR and Vandalin: downplay the poly possibilities for now. Find a good lawyer asap. Get the facts on which state you stand the best chances of a positive legal outcome, and file there. You need to do that before he files on you, so don't let any grass grow under your feet.

ALSO: Work to put the focus on the abusive nature of the relationship, and on your decision to recover and reclaim your life, and make a better life for your children. Document every abusive behavior. Get statements from people who know about the abuse. Another thing: Talk to your local family crisis center; find out what resources are available to you there. In my area, the crisis center offers tons of awesome services, from individual and family counseling to housing and emergency rescue services. And they're all free. So definitely look into that. And get into counseling, for yourself, and for your children if needed. You'll be much better able to cope with what's you're facing, and it demonstrates your willingness to take concrete action to improve the situation.

Since you're both military, (and thank you for your service, by the way) look into the programs the VA offers, especially programs around PTSD and domestic violence. NOT (repeat NOT) the Armed Forces themselves, but the VA. I hope things have changed, but for many many years there was a culture of hiding and denying domestic abuse in the military. But the VA recognizes the impact PTSD can have on veterans and thier faimilies, including increased incidence of domestic violence. There are programs in place to help you deal with that aspect of it. Find them. If you need help getting started, PM me and I'll send you some info.

Good luck to you, SisterWoman. Be strong. Be smart. Fight the good fight.
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Old 07-09-2010, 05:25 AM
dancingalone dancingalone is offline
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What ever you do, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, give up custody of your children. From the little information I read, I would suggest that go straight to the nearest abuse shelter and look for help there. You may not need to to stay in the shelter but they may be able to help with resources beyond the usual. Mental and emotional abuse take an adverse toll on everyone in the household, not just the primary victim. An abuse refuge center can not only help you deal with an abusive spouse, they can help you get help with divorces, therapy for you and your children, and even restraining orders. SOmetimes the best defense is a good offense, if no proceedings have been filed yet, get a lawyers and get the divorce going yourself. Cite the abuse as cause. That's the best advice I can think of for you. Don't let him push you around and let your new friends help support you and your children. Hope it gets easier for you.
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