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  #11  
Old 07-07-2010, 07:52 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
I am trying to come to terms with a myriad of emotions; rage, hurt, inadequaceies, embarassment, love, the whole package. I've pretty much done nothing but cry and vomit since Friday.
That's a really strong reaction! Your wife has made friends with someone she's attracted to, and when things started to go past friendship, she stopped when you told her you weren't okay. So... what's going on here? Is this about worrying that you're in danger of losing your wife? What's underneath the emotional storm?

Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
Depends, I get the leave a spose if the gender preference isn't right, but taking on additional partners, I just don't know.
Ariakis already pointed this out, but this strikes me as a strange thing to say. Does your wife identify as bi-? Maybe it would help you to have a fuller understanding of how people experience bisexuality, regardless of whether she does or not.

As a follow-up question, would having your wife be attracted to another woman be a very different experience for you?

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Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
part of me thinks I should move into the spare room until I'm certain i can deal. I feel like I somehow need to unlove her to see if I can still love her, problem being I can't shut off how much I do love her.
I don't think I understand what you mean here, but pulling away from her is probably going to do more damage to your relationship than working through your feelings about this. A lot of people find the articles on jealousy at the xeromag site linked to above to be very helpful.
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  #12  
Old 07-08-2010, 07:20 AM
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Hi

You've been given lots of help, I'm mono so maybe I can give some additional perspective.

Firstly I know what it's like to be fine about open relationships until you find yourself in one with someone that you love to bits. I was fine with my husband having other lovers, but with my new partner it was a completely different story. My ability to handle it was obviously very dependent on the relationship and you just don't know until it happens. I also associated the desire for other relationships with the primary one being not the best. So it was a real shock to discover that even in our beautiful, sparkly new relationship, Z still loved his SO. I was even fine about it philosophically but emotions don't seem to take that much notice of philosophy.

Secondly I know what it's like to want to pull away and stop the pain. I threatened this a lot but as someone said, love is a really hard thing to pull away from, and I never managed it for long. I analyzed this behavior and what was actually behind it was that I wanted Z to really feel the loss of me and happily give up his polyamorous ways.

Dealing with this is a process, the length and success of which is different for everyone. From your reaction it sounds like you're purging some pretty heavy emotional stuff. Not all of this will be about what your partner, it's just been triggered by your partner. It certainly wont all be put right in a few days or even weeks. It might be really hard to see it now but looking back on my process I can honestly say it has been one of the most significant opportunities for personal growth I've ever had.

Nurture yourself and accept all the love that is on offer.
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  #13  
Old 07-08-2010, 04:57 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Thank you all for your help, and providing me with such invaluable resources, they have really helped me get a better grasp on this. I think where Im at is I could handle the extra-marital intercourse, but not the intamacy of this budding relationship she is building. I know it's my own damn fault for being so narrow-minded as I can't deal, I'm just at my wits end. I want nothing but complete and total happiness for her, I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to provide it to her like this.
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  #14  
Old 07-09-2010, 01:30 AM
electra electra is offline
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sorry, mispost

Last edited by electra; 07-09-2010 at 01:42 AM. Reason: posteee in wrong thread, sorry!
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  #15  
Old 07-11-2010, 02:32 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Now I findmyself searching for a way to redefine "us", Im trying to be the girlfriend who doesnt give a shit, but its so hard. I am ttrying to support her and celebrate her happiness, but i just feel awful
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  #16  
Old 07-11-2010, 06:21 PM
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I found that trying to be anything other than what I really am is a waste of time and just makes everything worse.

There's no other way than to be honest and be vulnerable and let her love you and help you through. In a polyamorous relationship you get to be loved as well you know, especially when you need it most. Does your partner understand that? Try and work out what is at the core of your upset, bring it up and work through it with your partner.
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  #17  
Old 07-11-2010, 06:42 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Thanks Sage. Weve been talking alot, I think communicating well. I just feel like calling her my wife is a lie. I love her madly, but dont know if Ill ever be able to share the intamacy. Its not that shes having sex, I could care less about if she wants a little on the side. Its the not being mono out heart Im strugggling with. Im trying to build to acceptance, which feels like an impossible task. Im really trying to be as loving as I can,
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  #18  
Old 07-12-2010, 02:59 AM
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Oh yes the big philosophical questions, I struggle with those at times too. Like I will never be able to call him my own, there will never just be us two, I will never be all that he needs. I feel lonely when I think that I do not have a partner who I can probably ever quite satisfy, or that I am not someone's one and only, forsaking all others etc,

At times I am impacted emotionally by it. I'm doing some writing around it and on Saturday night I wrote "I will never wear his ring because I will never complete his circle". Well that completely set me off into misery land. It still brings tears when I write it here. But I try to see it as cultural conditioning and remind myself that even with all that stuff I will never have, I still have more than anyone I know.

I can accept his feelings but I don't pretend to understand them. He holds me and tells me how incredibly he loves me and yet in my head I'm still thinking "but how can you when..."

It's a process and it will take time, it's not something I can come to terms with in a few months or even years probably. I also accept that now.
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  #19  
Old 07-12-2010, 07:58 AM
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I am reminded of when I first got into poly when reading your post. I had been married to a woman for about five years at that time and met my now husband when we decided to be non-monogamous. She tried her darnedest to now care, to join in, to hide it from our lesbian community. I tried to deny I loved him, tried to frame it in terms of fun and sex, told none of my lesbian friends... In the end we all just had to be what we were and go on the path that was before us.

When we decided to just leave it alone and slowly allow it to become what it was to become, it turned out that we broke up because she wanted to travel and I wanted kids. She now has traveled extensively and is still not settled.. still moving around. She is still a love of mine and very much a apart of my life, it just was meant to be like that. We would of gotten there, but we could of saved ourselves pain and hardship if we had started by just being ourselves and expressing whatever came up for us. Stopped denying what was happening for us.

I really do believe that such matters need to go at the pace of the one who is struggling the most. That would be you. I think that she needs to slow things down to a mere trickle in order to maintain some kind of balance for your sake. You are needing time to figure out what your needs are and where you fit. How your community will react. How to create a team approach to this in the face of your community, because I can tell you, it's no picnic when just as you need support, lesbian friends drop like flies in disgust and through lack of empathy and understanding or accepting.

No doubt she is experiencing some gleeful girlish emotions (NRE) in this that she will need to keep in check if she is going to be able to consider your needs. That will be hard, but in the long run it will create a good foundation and encourage you to believe that she loves you still and isn't going anywhere.

Sure this stuff hurts, but it doesn't have to crush you. You can come out of it emotionally damaged and unhealthy if you allow progression that is making you feel you should sleep in the spare room and cut yourself off from caring. That is never good and you won't learn how to function that way, just how to deny yourself your needs.

keep at it. It will be a long haul, but it doesn't last forever. One way or another you will get to the bottom of what is going on for all of you and it will all work out as it should.
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  #20  
Old 07-12-2010, 01:26 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Thank you!! All the feedback has been of great assitance. Words can't express how much help talking with you all has been. She went to him last night, I moved to the spare room. This morning I was able to look her in the eye, tell her I hope she had a fantastic night, and actually mean it. He's now starting to contact me out of guilt (hes married), Im doing my best to be kind and non-bitter, and it really seems to be shoring up my emotions. Thing is, I know this guy, we grew up together, he's not a noble man. I guess where I am is this sure would have been easier if it were just sex, and/or she actually picked a good guy.

We're not hugely active in the LGBT community, but Im not talking to anyone accept 2 friends that were there about it. This is mostly to allow her to do it at her own pace, my own embarassment, and for the sake of his marriage/wife/kids.

Today is starting to be a better day. Maybe...time..I don't know...
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