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  #1  
Old 07-07-2010, 03:22 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Default Help?

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I've been with my wife for 6 years, married 4. We are both female. She left her husband of 6 years for me. Throughout our relationship we had said she could sleep with whomever she wanted, as I had a very promiscuios youth. I never believed she would act upon it.

Friday night we went out with a group of friends, and got very intoxicated. She was attrated to a male friend of mine from my childhood. I may have given my ok, Im not sure. I then interrupted them and stopped it. Yes, I behaved like an ass and have since apologized to both.

She has decided she is polyamourous, and has continued communicating with him, and intends to finish what she started.

I am trying to come to terms with a myriad of emotions; rage, hurt, inadequaceies, embarassment, love, the whole package. I've pretty much done nothing but cry and vomit since Friday. I have still somehow been able to go to work, and minimally function. I don't know how to come to terms with this, or if I can. Any advice is hugely appreciated!!!
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  #2  
Old 07-07-2010, 05:17 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Welcome aboard.

I'm going to move this thread to the New To Poly board, as it's likely to spawn a discussion and is better suited there.

I'd say that the first thing to consider is that this is not the end of the relationship, necessarily, and that the pain will pass. Your situation will get better as you work through it. Accepting the pain as only temporary can help make it much easier to deal with and less of a strain on your body.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #3  
Old 07-07-2010, 05:32 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Thanks for the relocate and kind words. I'm just so lost. It's such a double egded sword, I want her happy, and I told her to persue it, but I'm not remotely close to happy about it. I don't know if I should, or even can stay and suck it up for her. On the same token, I know shes going through alot, and keep encouraging her to talk to someone besides me or him, but she has so far declined. We communicate extremely well, and she does it with great class in an effort to protect me. She answers my questions minimally, with respect to try not to further hurt me (plus shes getting sick of seeing me hurt) and if I need more info, I ask for it and she accomodates me. The three of us run in very similaiar social circles, and I keep going through all the potentially embarassing furture scenarios in my head.
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  #4  
Old 07-07-2010, 05:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
Friday night we went out with a group of friends, and got very intoxicated. She was attrated to a male friend of mine from my childhood. I may have given my ok, Im not sure. I then interrupted them and stopped it. Yes, I behaved like an ass and have since apologized to both.

She has decided she is polyamourous, and has continued communicating with him, and intends to finish what she started.
Drunk sex isn't poly. Its...well drunk sex. Is she wanting to find someone else to love or be open to having other people to have sex with? (btw you can be both, but if its all about the shag with friends, thats more swinger style)

Quote:
I am trying to come to terms with a myriad of emotions; rage, hurt, inadequaceies, embarassment, love, the whole package. I've pretty much done nothing but cry and vomit since Friday. I have still somehow been able to go to work, and minimally function. I don't know how to come to terms with this, or if I can. Any advice is hugely appreciated!!!
Honestly, you should never have offered an open relationship so freely if you couldn't handle it. It sounds like you offered it to be the nice girl, but in reality created a bridge you weren't prepared to cross.

As to your emotional upheaval. You may need to work through why you feel inadequate. Is it because she is seeking sex with someone else? Figure that out, and ask her. Communicate the concerns. Hopefully she can re-assure you.

Embarrassment is like regret. You are embarrassed because of how you acted I think? Well you can't live regretting the past, might as well accept the fact that they accepted the apology and move on into the future Its really all you can do

Coming to terms with it all, find a way that is comfortable for you to vent and process what is happening. Personally, I like to write. I keep a journal that I use when needed. My wife has full access to it, so when I am completely off of my rocker and having challenges communicating completely, she can read my thoughts. It helps us in times of severe upheaval

I would also recommend reading a couple of books (inclusive to reading this site)
Opening Up
Ethical Slut

and this website on poly
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

All of which should help you process your feelings and slowly move the relationship into a healthy open relationship

Ari
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  #5  
Old 07-07-2010, 05:57 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
d I keep going through all the potentially embarassing furture scenarios in my head.
Ahhh that embarrassment. Well you could request they do their thing discretely until there is a time when you have processed what happened. Once you are strong and confident in the relationship structure and setup it can migrate more publicly.

There is a term used in poly. NRE (new relationship energy)

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2997

This thread covers the pros and cons of the ride called NRE. You might want to understand where she is coming from, she might want to understand it to. Its intoxicating and potentially dangerous, something to be aware of ...As bad as I just made it sound, it has positives too...
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  #6  
Old 07-07-2010, 05:59 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Thanks again for your help..sorry I'm too newb to quote correctly.

"Drunk sex isn't poly. Its...well drunk sex. Is she wanting to find someone else to love or be open to having other people to have sex with? (btw you can be both, but if its all about the shag with friends, thats more swinger style)"

While it started as drunk sex, they have been communicating daily, had lunch, had a cocktail...

"Honestly, you should never have offered an open relationship so freely if you couldn't handle it. It sounds like you offered it to be the nice girl, but in reality created a bridge you weren't prepared to cross. "

Very well said, you're absolutely correct, I just feel like I want to fast forward through it all.

I'm more embarassed of what our friends will think of us, and particularly of me, as a Lesbian, who cant satisfy her wife, so her wife went to a man?


Thanks for the book suggestions, I need all the help I can get right now.
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  #7  
Old 07-07-2010, 06:10 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quoting is done 2 ways. You can click quote on the message you want to quote in the bottom right hand side of the message itself.

Or you can surround what you want to quote in

[ quote ] I want to quote this [ /quote ]

Removing the spaces so it looks like this

Quote:
I want to quote this
Hope that helps
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  #8  
Old 07-07-2010, 06:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
While it started as drunk sex, they have been communicating daily, had lunch, had a cocktail...
Ok, makes sense

Quote:
Very well said, you're absolutely correct, I just feel like I want to fast forward through it all.

I'm more embarassed of what our friends will think of us, and particularly of me, as a Lesbian, who cant satisfy her wife, so her wife went to a man?
I can't help here to be honest. I know there are others here who will be able to relate and relay their stories. Any story I relay would be from my point of view and I doubt that would help. I have been in a similar situation but as the guy in the equation.

I can pose this though, what do you think of men whose wives decide they want to be with women. Are those men not satisfying their women or are those women craving something their men are absolutely incapable of giving.

Men and women love differently. Period. It isn't better or worse. Just different I unfortunately cannot fulfill my wifes need for women. I am way...way too male for that haha

Quote:
Thanks for the book suggestions, I need all the help I can get right now.
No prob

Ari
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  #9  
Old 07-07-2010, 06:37 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Ok, makes sense


I can pose this though, what do you think of men whose wives decide they want to be with women. Are those men not satisfying their women or are those women craving something their men are absolutely incapable of giving.


Ari
Depends, I get the leave a spose if the gender preference isn't right, but taking on additional partners, I just don't know.

It's like my whole world just got ripped apart, I only want her happy, but I don't know if I'm the one to be able to do this with her. I don't want to push away from her, and really haven't that much, but part of me thinks I should move into the spare room until I'm certain i can deal. I feel like I somehow need to unlove her to see if I can still love her, problem being I can't shut off how much I do love her.
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  #10  
Old 07-07-2010, 06:45 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
Depends, I get the leave a spose if the gender preference isn't right, but taking on additional partners, I just don't know.
By the way you worded that you seem to be dismissing bi-sexuality? Gender isn't "right" is very limiting ...

Quote:
It's like my whole world just got ripped apart, I only want her happy, but I don't know if I'm the one to be able to do this with her. I don't want to push away from her, and really haven't that much, but part of me thinks I should move into the spare room until I'm certain i can deal. I feel like I somehow need to unlove her to see if I can still love her, problem being I can't shut off how much I do love her.
Honestly, I would think the best thing to do would be for her to slow down with the guy until you are settled. Poly isn't built on a shaky foundation. Once you are ready and understand what its like to open up, then she can begin looking at other relationships.

Thats my take anyways. ...

If only it were that easy to turn off love. Like a valve of love. Well keep reading and posting on here. Its mid day so most people are at work, I am sure more people will come online.
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