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  #61  
Old 07-06-2010, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
After being introduced to poly this way, what made you realize there was something better out there? Did you end this relationship and then go looking for what you really wanted?
I'm not sure I realized there was something better, necessarily. I was (and to some degree still am) trying to find what I really want. I knew what I didn't want!

It's only been three years and I find I'm still getting used to the idea that being poly can also include all the values I hold. (I've always been so faithful). And I'm only just meeting people that have successful poly marriages and kids.

I think I latched onto the ideas he presented and decided to explore them for myself. (Being part of a poly tribe, talking about people you're interested in, negotiating, communicating... all of it).
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  #62  
Old 07-06-2010, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by jokutus View Post

he was in a loveless marriage with 2 kids and was just looking for a casual hookup!!! The underlying message - He was attempting to cheat on his wife under the guise of being poly!!! Arg, how frustrating!!

***---- End Rant ---***
Well, at least you admit you are ranting.

I'm afraid my OKC profile used to be pretty much one of those. I've been suppressing what I think are poly inclinations for 30+ years now, and the only way I could think of to relieve the stress of that was to look for an illicit patrner. Okay, I am self-aware enough to realise I am 'not just looking for quick shag' as I believe I put it; maybe others miss this point.

Look, in many social spheres there is no possibility of anything as beautiful as poly - having another s.o. automatically means rejecting the original one. Maybe he was just looking for a casual hookup, I'm not saying you misread it, but also maybe he too was struggling to understand himself.

It's hard in this mindset to reconcile a wanted partner with desires for other relationships. Maybe his marriage felt 'loveless' because - like me - he felt he didn't love her properly because he did not feel exclusive.

It's only because I was lucky enough to hook up with a woman who is so damn smart she has worked out many of the poly principles all on her own that I didn't end up cheating myself.

So cut us repressed & confused polys a little slack there, if you please.
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  #63  
Old 07-06-2010, 03:57 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRusty View Post
It's hard in this mindset to reconcile a wanted partner with desires for other relationships. Maybe his marriage felt 'loveless' because - like me - he felt he didn't love her properly because he did not feel exclusive.

It's only because I was lucky enough to hook up with a woman who is so damn smart she has worked out many of the poly principles all on her own that I didn't end up cheating myself.

So cut us repressed & confused polys a little slack there, if you please.
Nope. Cheating is not poly. Somebody wanting to cheat and call it poly is always a Bad Choice (tm).

And somebody who isn't yet ready to embrace the openness of polyamory isn't a good match for somebody who is. Another Bad Choice.

There's also no way to tell if it's somebody working through issues relating to poly or not, and giving a Bad Choice a chance in the hopes of Something Good (tm) coming of it is a Badder Choice (tm).
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  #64  
Old 07-06-2010, 04:29 PM
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Default so ... advantages/disadvantages of handling it this way..

I'm on okcupid. I mention polyamory in my profile.

I agree with the ideals, my daughter is in a poly relationship, my ex-bf is in a poly relationship (not with my daughter.... ) I'm keeping my options open. Since I've not actually been in a poly relationship.. okay, I haven't actually been in ANY relationship for several years.

So I've been contacted by a couple of cheaters on okcupid. (Thank you for the "rite of passage..." comment-- nowI feel like I belong..) Here's the response I sent to one...

"How's your wife feel about it?

"I don't mind being involved with a married man, who is in an open relationship, after I've talked to his wife.

"Polyamory is a great thing, and it involves communication with all involved. Are you part of the Poly Tampa group? It would be great to meet you guys at the next meeting."


HIS RESPONSE:
"Guess I'm out! She doesn't know I play around... Too bad for me, you're interesting! "

MY RESPONSE:
"Start talking to her. If you're bored... she may be also.

"Of course, if you've already found several other lovers.. and are already living a lie.. the poly lifestyle may not be the solution. If you enjoy the sneaking and the lying, then an open honest lifestyle is not as interesting.

"The Polytampa group is a great way to learn more about the lifestyle. http://www.polytampa.com/ But you need to know that polys are not fond of cheaters. Examine your motives before going to a meeting.

"Good luck. "


I've copied & pasted that response a couple times. Then I realize as I'm reading this thread... Am I just helping the cheaters be better cheaters? Am I giving them information on how to justify their cheating? And I realize that cheaters and polys can change--

So what are your opinions? Do I just ignore them? or try to educate them? or..??

I'll be at the polytampa meeting later this month, if you read here, feel free to message me. (and the bound love meeting Thursday night).

claireinph (if you're wondering who I am on okcupid).
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  #65  
Old 07-06-2010, 05:52 PM
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I think that's awesome Claire! I applaud you for trying. Cutting and pasting ever time means minimal energy expended I think.

I find most people aren't interested in going to meetings however. Personall I would leave that out and give them links I like instead, but whatever works for you really. Keep at it, safe the cheaters, one at a time... haha!
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  #66  
Old 07-06-2010, 07:04 PM
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This is intriuging. I started off as that guy cheating on his wife - looking for the occasional fling because I wasn't getting what I needed/wanted at home.
I ended up accidentally falling in love with the last "fling" last fall (right, like you can ever plan on falling for someone ).

So, now I'm reading this post about guys using poly as an excuse to do exactly what I was doing (without the excuse), and it makes me angry. And I'm not too sure why yet... but that sort of emotional response, or more accurately the reason for it, intrigues me.

It sounds vaguely hypocritical to me. Then again, even though I don't have permission from Mohegan to sleep with gf, I still haven't felt the need to cheat since everything came out and we started fixing problems, so maybe I'm changing a bit....
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  #67  
Old 07-06-2010, 07:11 PM
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The same thing annoys me too. So many people equate poly with being easy. Sorry guys, my being poly doesn't mean you will have an easier time getting me to help you cheat.
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  #68  
Old 07-06-2010, 07:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think that's awesome Claire! I applaud you for trying. Cutting and pasting every time means minimal energy expended I think.

I find most people aren't interested in going to meetings however. Personally I would leave that out and give them links I like instead, but whatever works for you really. Keep at it, save the cheaters, one at a time... haha!

I doubt they'll come to the meetings, either. I decided to not include this link, because I want them to work at finding this place. I don't want it clogged with the Internet version of Ugly Tourists. There are some links like Franklin's poly FAQ that I could use.. Good idea...Thank you!

The first message surprised me, and I jotted that out in a couple minutes. Then ran it through the "Did I insult or offend him" filter, and hit send. C&P is makes it an easy response. I am not interested in them. Maybe they (Mr. Cheater & wife) can make the jump to poly.
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  #69  
Old 07-06-2010, 10:41 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Quote:
When I have an OKC account (pulled the last one off a few months back and haven't put up a new one yet), I direct anybody who seems interested to go chat with my wife. That's an extension of my decision to have anybody I meet in meatspace to go chat with my wife early on.
Ding ding ding! Winner!

The reay crappy thing about this phenomenon (cheaters/swingers posing as poly, and everywhere, not just online) is that it rubs off the wrong way 'round; now when I talk about poly, people who've run into this crap (whether they're poly or not) have negative views of the whole concept. PISSES ME OFF.

In my OKC profile I actully rant about this for about a paragraph, lol. And I have a link to Violet's profile and encourage people to get to know her or at least inquire with her about our relatioship and our poly ways. IMO, anybody who claims to be poly and in a poly relationship should have no qualms about holding their SO(s) up for theworld to see, ESPECIALLY prospective new partners!
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  #70  
Old 07-06-2010, 10:57 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
The reay crappy thing about this phenomenon (cheaters/swingers posing as poly, and everywhere, not just online) is that it rubs off the wrong way 'round; now when I talk about poly, people who've run into this crap (whether they're poly or not) have negative views of the whole concept. PISSES ME OFF.
Hmmm my issue with this is cheaters and swingers are not the same. And why, by your implication, do they have to be mutually exclusive? I can identify lightly as a closed swinger and poly...(definitely not a cheater)

It pisses me off when everyone assumes, when I mention poly that I want a love in commune setting bordering on cultlike love fests. Actually at a recent munch, where they know I am poly, politics came up. People were blown away that I am conservative. They assumed I was a pagan hippy looking for a large family. Its a REALLY annoying way to be identified...

Actually this entire tiny subset I have just thrown at you is exactly why I identify as non-monogamist or just open. Poly comes across as too restrictive in its extreme, swinging is too...slutty in its extreme. I fit somewhere in the middle ...Poly is what I am capable of to be sure as I can love multiple

Also, I wonder how many people assume instantly that if I identify as poly that I am going to fall in love with them. I don't fall in love with everyone I shag or pickup when monogamous how is that going to change identifying as poly. I pick a girl up, date, shag,....wow look at that, I am not falling in love with her. Is that swinging, because I had sex with her without love. Maybe its not the swinger/poly's fault someone assumed there would be love.

I see this as a slippery slope, anyways, sorry about the rant, your post struck a chord in me apparently.
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