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Old 07-06-2010, 10:28 PM
electra electra is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 9
Talking Wwyd?

HI, I'm a newbie, thanks for having me in the forums.

My husband and I have been pretty happily married (monogamous) for close to ten years, Two kids.

Last Summer I wasnt thinking straight and found myself having an emotional affair with a man that wasnt my husband. (this probably for a combination of the usual reasons). I have always loved DH. But oh boy did it feel good to be having the butterflies and a giddish excitement of a crush for the first time in almost ten years. The emotional affair lasted 2 weeks, then my DH found out and was very hurt. I cut off contact with other guy. Understandbly DH does not like this guy (though we live in a small town so they run into eachother). Other guy has wife who had affair on him, though they were swingers before that. Other guy very hurt by his wife, looked for someone to have affair with. Found me.

But I have always wondered about polyamorism. As a pubescent teen and dreamed of communes and free love. I have had four major mono relationships. No poly apart from emo cheating.

I feel remorse for my actions and poor decisions that resulted in my good husband being so hurt. We did heaps of talking, which was a good result. After more talk and thought, I told him I wanted the option to see other people. He thought about it and decided no, I felt trapped, I felt like a possession I suppose. I am not saying he made me feel that way, but just that I felt like I was being told how to live. We decided we were both giving the other ultimatums. We decided to separate (in march or so), whilst still living together and raising our children. We still make love, and I believe are good friends. For the most part we get along, enjoys eachothers company, and have fun together. We work great together, so lots of things are like normal.

Whats changed is, since he became "single" he started going out a lot more often than he ever did. It used to be the occasional party, or when a band played at the bar. Now its every wed night and usually another night too.

In May he went home and slept with a girl he went to high school with, coming home around 6 am, leaving an hour or so later for work. He told me what had happened. I felt kinda ill picturing him with another woman but I chose this so I tried to suck it up, and get through it best as possible. What made it harder is that he used no condoms, and we had talked about this (briefly) and agreed that we would. He admits he fucked up. Now we have to use protection, which we never did before.

Now a couple of nights ago he does an all nighter with friends, and ended up making out (not sleeping with, but kissing and groping he says) with what you could call a family friend. ANother fuck up because this too we also agreed would be crossing the line. It is his best friends sister. She brings her son to our house quite a bit for me to watch him/ sleepovers etc, as she is a single mom and can use the help.

I have no bad feelings toward her, as DH told her our situation. I have anger and frustration toward DH. But this whole thing I started.

I havent seen anyone else, or flirted, or gone out etc. The irony!

Other things;

-the first girl is a self admitted slut around town, and DH had 2 kinds of sex with her, no protection.

-the second girl, apart from being a family friend, is, I dont mean to be mean, not pretty. At least from my perspective she is unattractive. (I know everyone differs in what they find attractive). I feel DH is a hypocrite because he has told me in the past he finds her annoying, hard to listen to because of her accent, and that he didnt entirely trust her in our house, like she might steal something (she babysat for us once a little while back). The first girl not particular pretty either. Not to be conceited but I am a very attractive woman. So all this, my DH having sex/ making out with them makes me feel, like, really? I think he has no standards. He would stick it wherever he could. I am different, choosy, have standards. Is this the typical thing where I want love and passion and a relationship with more than just one person, whereas DH, the man, just wants to get his rocks off? Why cant he have waited and been with an attractive girl? I would truly feel better about that.

-I do really feel ill when he tells me he has been with someone else, its like there is the half of me that grew up surrounded by your typical monogamous relationships battling with something else deep in me that believes that poly can and does work, and the lifestyle can even make you grow in your spirituality because it challenges you, and involves deep communication and connection with others. It gets easier as time goes by and I dont think about it, which is pretty much how I figured it would be. Maybe gets easier over time/ each time.

-I didnt pursue anything with the guy I emo affaired with.

-please dont flame me, i know we have made some typical mistakes.

-I know DH and I need to have another big talk about his two f ups and what the heck we are doing. Which he agrees are f ups, but if we are "separated" then he doesnt have to abide by the rules, right? I know our arrangement needs a lot of work. I am sure many of you have been interested in poly but your partner wasnt. I wanted to be true to myself. I wanted the best of both worlds. Is that too greedy? SHould I have been content with my DH who for 10 years was kind, understanding, loyal, hardworking and a great father?

-I have even thought about saying lets go back to the way things were, and have this silly thought, but I was the one who wanted to be poly, have not been with anyone, yet its dh who has been with 3 people. Immature of me huh.

-DH is still affectionate as he was before, around the house, but doesnt want to do PDA now, which I can understand.

I could say more but this is enough for starters. Thanks for reading this, I really appreciate your input, and go easy on me, I am new to this and I am sure lots of you on here are much more worldy and learned.

PS how do you know when love is real?
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