My husband of 12 yrs and I decided to open our marriage about 2 months ago. I am currently not interested in dating other men but have fun fantasizing and talking about it. I am excited for a threesome experience but don't feel ready to act quite yet. Husband however found an interest that he just started seeing 2 weeks ago. Last night they slept together for the first time. I had a much harder time with this than I ever imagined. When they first kissed I was happy for him and even aroused, especially when he mentioned the three of us having a sexual encounter. But last night I found myself heartbroken when he didn't come home and I built expectations I had no reason to build. I thought he'd take it slow, I thought he'd be home earlier. I thought he'd give me all his focus today since he gave it to someone else last night. Now I feel hurt to watch him text her today and can't stop thinking overbearing possessive thoughts: how often is he going to spend the night? is he going to leave me on holidays for her? is our sex life going to suffer now that he's getting satisfaction elsewhere? I embraced our decision because of how freeing it was to realease him of the burden of providing my every happiness and how empowering it feels to be more independent, thinking more of my wants and desires instead of worrying about what he's missing and how I may fall short, or worse, unfounded thoughts of betrayal. What can I do to push past these emotions clouding my goals?
Feeling left behind
- Thread starter Monty
- Start date
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Wait. Stop. Breathe.
It will be okay.
Our expectations often lead us to interpret things from a different perspective. Around here you will often here that "Communication, communication, communication." is the key to a successful relationship (mono or poly). For me, this means NOT talking every blessed thing to death until you are tired of processing "relationship stuff" for all eternity. It means voicing your anticipated expectations and making sure you are on the same page. Oh, and you will screw this up pretty regularly at first, and then still intermittently for a long time to come. That's the thing about assumptions, they are so ingrained that it is hard to recognize them, even if we are trying to.
2 months is a very short time for you to expect yourself to adjust to the "new normal".
Ask yourself, and TELL HIM, what you need NOW - even though you know that you are working on your future reactions.
My Dude is one of the most clueless men on the planet - (Especially, in contrast to MrS, who reads me like a book.) - but even he can generally follow the lines of "I love you and want you to be happy, but I am feeling insecure as you are pursuing this new interest. Can we have TWO HOURS tomorrow, when you come home, to reconnect and reassure me that I am still special to you?"
Of course he is swept up in NRE - that is almost inevitable with a newly sexual relationship - but that doesn't mean that he can't make time for you IF YOU ASK FOR IT. Do not expect him to read your mind and give you what you think should be obvious. Spell it out. In small words. With concrete BEHAVIORS you want. Avoid nebulous requests ("I need you to prioritize our relationship." and give specific examples ("I want a shower with you before you go and a dinner out to discuss things the day after.")
Some of your fears you can discuss with him and ask for reassurance or clarification (abandonment fears, holiday/time sharing question). Other things are yours to face (you are excited by the idea of a threesome - BUT you have to realize that this may never happen)
It is definitely a learning curve. But it is doable. Some people advocate "baby steps", others (like me) are "jump in and sink or swim" types. In either case, having a strong foundation, both in yourself and in any relationships you currently have, is a good starting point.
It will be okay.
Our expectations often lead us to interpret things from a different perspective. Around here you will often here that "Communication, communication, communication." is the key to a successful relationship (mono or poly). For me, this means NOT talking every blessed thing to death until you are tired of processing "relationship stuff" for all eternity. It means voicing your anticipated expectations and making sure you are on the same page. Oh, and you will screw this up pretty regularly at first, and then still intermittently for a long time to come. That's the thing about assumptions, they are so ingrained that it is hard to recognize them, even if we are trying to.
2 months is a very short time for you to expect yourself to adjust to the "new normal".
Ask yourself, and TELL HIM, what you need NOW - even though you know that you are working on your future reactions.
My Dude is one of the most clueless men on the planet - (Especially, in contrast to MrS, who reads me like a book.) - but even he can generally follow the lines of "I love you and want you to be happy, but I am feeling insecure as you are pursuing this new interest. Can we have TWO HOURS tomorrow, when you come home, to reconnect and reassure me that I am still special to you?"
Of course he is swept up in NRE - that is almost inevitable with a newly sexual relationship - but that doesn't mean that he can't make time for you IF YOU ASK FOR IT. Do not expect him to read your mind and give you what you think should be obvious. Spell it out. In small words. With concrete BEHAVIORS you want. Avoid nebulous requests ("I need you to prioritize our relationship." and give specific examples ("I want a shower with you before you go and a dinner out to discuss things the day after.")
Some of your fears you can discuss with him and ask for reassurance or clarification (abandonment fears, holiday/time sharing question). Other things are yours to face (you are excited by the idea of a threesome - BUT you have to realize that this may never happen)
It is definitely a learning curve. But it is doable. Some people advocate "baby steps", others (like me) are "jump in and sink or swim" types. In either case, having a strong foundation, both in yourself and in any relationships you currently have, is a good starting point.
I agree with JaneQ. The topics you voice don't sound insurmountable, but it will be a learning curve.
Of course, expect answers to evolve. Don't ask for promisses that he will never spend vacation -- maybe just sort out your vacation plans for this summer in the next few months, as you would anyway.
This part is unspoken expectations. You take the lesson, and next time you'll ask him about his intentions, voice more of your hopes a requests. He may be willing to take it slow, or not. He may be able to give you full focus next day, or not.
All of these are valid concerns, not unfounded fears, so you should difintelly find some time to talk about those.
Of course, expect answers to evolve. Don't ask for promisses that he will never spend vacation -- maybe just sort out your vacation plans for this summer in the next few months, as you would anyway.
Ravenscroft
Banned
Heya, Monty. Apologies, but I can't shake the feeling that you are the husband, trying to tell the tale from (what he imagines to be) his wife's POV, in hopes of figuring out how to make Monogamy But more palatable -- either that or you seem always on the brink of blaming yourself for everything. The wording indicates melodramatic Romance at least, a soap opera waiting to happen.
But, setting that aside, maybe you should cultivate having a life that's less centered around The Sacred Couple. It's not like you feel the need to go chasing off after your own New True Love. Take a class, join a gym, find someone to go dancing with.I built expectations I had no reason to build.
I embraced our decision
because of how freeing it was
to realease him of the burden
of providing my every happiness
and how empowering it feels
to be more independent,
thinking more of my wants and desires
instead of worrying about what he's missing and how I may fall short, or worseunfounded thoughts of betrayal.
Appreciate the feedback!
Jane,
Thank you so much for kind and wise words. This really helped slow the spinning wheels in my head that were in overdrive. Just in the past few days it's been easier to communicate because I'm trying hard to be more specific about my needs and hopes so that I can properly manage my expectations. DH was very responsive to this and even apologized for overlooking some of my needs.
Tinwen,
It was really encouraging to hear my fears aren't unfounded and I appreciate the guidance as to how to approach dealing with them. We've had a good talk and it seems like this is just how adjusting goes, we make "mistakes" in our communication, take the time to figure them out on our own and then meet up to check in. It's nice to not just be in my own head trying to decipher what's rational and what's purely memorized emotional response from monogamous life.
Kevin,
Thanks for the input! I'm learning that giving each other freedom does not necessarily equate to never compromising again. It's comforting.
Ravenscroft,
I'm not sure what you mean by this being husband's POV, but I appreciate that you are coming from a helpful place. I struggled with depression and anger management issues since long before my marriage so yes, "melodramatic" is something I used to thrive on and it continues to be something that creeps out of me here and there. And while no, hubs isn't perfect and in most relationships you can see how both people can be at fault, I can, with perspective, counseling and therapy to heal my neurological issues, say that much of our marriage was unnecessarily melodramatic and pained by my condition, and he took it like quite a gentlemen... for years... and years. So, yes, I do take lots of blame, for our myriad of situations that my condition caused. But both he and I recognize how far I've come in the last few years and I know I'm not to blame for conditions caused by childhood trauma/mental disorders. (and of course he's had his share of baggage, just not really "need meds" baggage) Recognizing how it affected my life and taking responsibility for my actions has helped me heal greatly. So there's the background on that. Part of the solution is absolutely focusing on other things! I'm trying to take more and more alone time doing things that make me happy. And a dance partner would be a dream! I'm still in the "plan made" phase of that one. Being social has always been a challenge for me. All this feedback is quite nice.
Thanks all! This means alot!
Jane,
Thank you so much for kind and wise words. This really helped slow the spinning wheels in my head that were in overdrive. Just in the past few days it's been easier to communicate because I'm trying hard to be more specific about my needs and hopes so that I can properly manage my expectations. DH was very responsive to this and even apologized for overlooking some of my needs.
Tinwen,
It was really encouraging to hear my fears aren't unfounded and I appreciate the guidance as to how to approach dealing with them. We've had a good talk and it seems like this is just how adjusting goes, we make "mistakes" in our communication, take the time to figure them out on our own and then meet up to check in. It's nice to not just be in my own head trying to decipher what's rational and what's purely memorized emotional response from monogamous life.
Kevin,
Thanks for the input! I'm learning that giving each other freedom does not necessarily equate to never compromising again. It's comforting.
Ravenscroft,
I'm not sure what you mean by this being husband's POV, but I appreciate that you are coming from a helpful place. I struggled with depression and anger management issues since long before my marriage so yes, "melodramatic" is something I used to thrive on and it continues to be something that creeps out of me here and there. And while no, hubs isn't perfect and in most relationships you can see how both people can be at fault, I can, with perspective, counseling and therapy to heal my neurological issues, say that much of our marriage was unnecessarily melodramatic and pained by my condition, and he took it like quite a gentlemen... for years... and years. So, yes, I do take lots of blame, for our myriad of situations that my condition caused. But both he and I recognize how far I've come in the last few years and I know I'm not to blame for conditions caused by childhood trauma/mental disorders. (and of course he's had his share of baggage, just not really "need meds" baggage) Recognizing how it affected my life and taking responsibility for my actions has helped me heal greatly. So there's the background on that. Part of the solution is absolutely focusing on other things! I'm trying to take more and more alone time doing things that make me happy. And a dance partner would be a dream! I'm still in the "plan made" phase of that one. Being social has always been a challenge for me. All this feedback is quite nice.
Thanks all! This means alot!
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Did you husband spend the night with his new gf of 2 weeks already? "Sleeping with" is such an inaccurate term for adults to use. Just my pet peeve.
If he had a few dates with making out, and you said, after 2 weeks they had sex, I would be less confused. If he actually spent the night, without telling you he was going to, no check in from her place, I would find this inconsiderate and unacceptable. My gf did that way back when we were first together and I went around the bend with jealousy. (It felt like jealousy but was really fear of loss. I didn't know if she actually spent the night with her new bf, or if she was raped/kidnapped/beaten or killed, taking public transportation and walking night time streets to his place. And it was Halloween!)
So, new arrangement might be: if h (or you) is going to spend the night with a lover, tell each other ahead of time. If the sleepover is spontaneous due to pleasure and losing track of time, falling asleep unexpectedly being tired from sex, or because of a medical issue or whatever, inform your anchor partner beforehand or as soon as you can, even if it's 3AM. It's very hard to sleep when your spouse is gone unexpectedly overnight! Not to mention, chores he might have done, like childcare pet care, dishes, go undone, or you have to do it yourself, which can cause resentment.
If he had a few dates with making out, and you said, after 2 weeks they had sex, I would be less confused. If he actually spent the night, without telling you he was going to, no check in from her place, I would find this inconsiderate and unacceptable. My gf did that way back when we were first together and I went around the bend with jealousy. (It felt like jealousy but was really fear of loss. I didn't know if she actually spent the night with her new bf, or if she was raped/kidnapped/beaten or killed, taking public transportation and walking night time streets to his place. And it was Halloween!)
So, new arrangement might be: if h (or you) is going to spend the night with a lover, tell each other ahead of time. If the sleepover is spontaneous due to pleasure and losing track of time, falling asleep unexpectedly being tired from sex, or because of a medical issue or whatever, inform your anchor partner beforehand or as soon as you can, even if it's 3AM. It's very hard to sleep when your spouse is gone unexpectedly overnight! Not to mention, chores he might have done, like childcare pet care, dishes, go undone, or you have to do it yourself, which can cause resentment.
Agree
I agree with the above poster. Was the potential of your husband spending the night with the new woman discussed?
One of the boundaries my husband and I have is that 1), we always check in at agreed times when out with another partner and 2) overnights (at this time) are not allowed. The only exception to overnights have been if myself or my husband are away on a trip and even then, not our house of residence. These are the rules that work for us (not necessarily everyone) at this time as we are still new to poly.
When I'm with my other partner, I usually leave between 10 and 11pm and am home by latest 12am/12:30am which is the agreed time. I always let my husband know when I'm coming home or if I'm running late. No excuses. While falling asleep is possible after a session, one of the things I do is have an alarm set on my phone before seeing my partner to avoid this because it's important that I am home on time for my partner as we agreed, that consistency is vital for building and maintaining trust.
Having something like that in place might assist with the start of a new relationship while you work through it?
I agree with the above poster. Was the potential of your husband spending the night with the new woman discussed?
One of the boundaries my husband and I have is that 1), we always check in at agreed times when out with another partner and 2) overnights (at this time) are not allowed. The only exception to overnights have been if myself or my husband are away on a trip and even then, not our house of residence. These are the rules that work for us (not necessarily everyone) at this time as we are still new to poly.
When I'm with my other partner, I usually leave between 10 and 11pm and am home by latest 12am/12:30am which is the agreed time. I always let my husband know when I'm coming home or if I'm running late. No excuses. While falling asleep is possible after a session, one of the things I do is have an alarm set on my phone before seeing my partner to avoid this because it's important that I am home on time for my partner as we agreed, that consistency is vital for building and maintaining trust.
Having something like that in place might assist with the start of a new relationship while you work through it?