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Old 07-06-2010, 04:21 AM
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Default Survival guide for dating a mono

So you are thinking of dating a mono?

Here’s one person’s perspective on some basic tips to make an informed decision.

First ask yourself why would you do this in the first place. I mean Jeezuz, you’ve read the stories on here…now go smack yourself and find a Poly!…kidding, kidding.

Are you hoping to convert the mono? Some people are conditioned to be monogamous and will welcome a different approach to relationships, others are hard wired for it and will generate more red tape then the government at tax time.

Have you fallen in love with them and are willing to take on a huge challenge? Seriously, snake charming and croc wrestling might seem easier after going down this road.

Are you open poly or the poly-fi sort of person? (this is a biggy, so be honest and up front right away)

What are your relationship goals? Looking to build a network of romances, wanting a long-term partner to share life with, just want to roll in the hay occasionally…that sort of thing. (Science has proven that a mono can in fact roll just as well as a poly given the right consistency of hay)

Next ask your potential mono partner a few basic questions.

What are their relationship goals. It doesn’t have to be their expectations until death, but at least realistic. This will protect both of you. Believe it or not, some mono people will prey on the loving nature of Poly people to achieve another sexual conquest…because it’s all about sex….KIDDING! These types would be great for a friend with benefits or one night stand but could hurt you deeply if you fall for them. On the flip side, if they are looking for an inevitable traditional marriage or family you don’t want to give false hope. Monos can be really whiny when you switch things up on them.

Have they had other substantial relationships before? Poly experience would be great but the essential experience of being with another mono is paramount. Otherwise they will probably suffer the “grass is greener” syndrome. Signs of this syndrome include saying “fuck this shit”, “what the fuck am I doing” and “I wish I was Cinderella”. (This last one even scares the shit out of monos!)

So, why is identifying what poly means to you important? Some people have found poly through the love of one additional person. The multiple nature of this relationship is specific to include an individual and not out of pursuing a “way of loving”. This is a much more stable and adaptive situation for a mono in my opinion. Yes, they will be sharing their partner with another or perhaps established others, but they have a sense of calm and stability that monos crave like a single scoop of vanilla icecream!
In an open relationship (Poly with a chance of more balls….there’s a book and movie out..ohhh wait now, that’s not the title..my bad) the constant thought of when and who will be entering your life, and therefore their life, will be a damaging drain on most monos.
Don’t assume that the mono will understand your approach to poly. Explain it to them…slowly, like your talking to some one in a foreign country who will ultimately wonder what is wrong with you. Speed it up damn it! You’re English is still English!

So there you have it…tips to date a mono in a nutshell…ok, maybe two nutshells. But not four or six or whatever other number of nutshells..just two.
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Old 07-06-2010, 05:09 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Don’t assume that the mono will understand your approach to poly. Explain it to them…slowly, like your talking to some one in a foreign country who will ultimately wonder what is wrong with you. Speed it up damn it! You’re English is still English!
OMG this is so true! I love this line.

Dating a mono is like dating someone of a certain astrological sign that you aren't used to. If you are used to dating a Leo man, then swtiching it up and dating a Cancer man is a VERY different experience... one can be stern, possessive, likes to show you off around town and buy you expensive dinners and is quick to roar and the other is emotionally fluid, likes to cave in the house in his pj's and play on-line games and make up witty jokes. Very different.

Mono folks are lovable in their own right, but a whole other ball game...
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Old 07-06-2010, 05:13 AM
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Mono folks are lovable in their own right, but a whole other ball game...
And to think you bought tickets! Crazy woman you
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Old 07-06-2010, 05:46 AM
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Oh my god, Mono, you crack me up!! I actually laughed out loud. (Laughing out loud in a cabin all by yourself is very close to being crazy so I choose my jokes carefully).

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper
Dating a mono is like dating someone of a certain astrological sign that you aren't used to. If you are used to dating a Leo man, then swtiching it up and dating a Cancer man is a VERY different experience... one can be stern, possessive, likes to show you off around town and buy you expensive dinners and is quick to roar and the other is emotionally fluid, likes to cave in the house in his pj's and play on-line games and make up witty jokes. Very different.

Mono folks are lovable in their own right, but a whole other ball game...
This is so true!!

I don't get how mono/poly folk are all that different?
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Old 07-06-2010, 05:52 AM
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Oh my god, Mono, you crack me up!! I actually laughed out loud. (Laughing out loud in a cabin all by yourself is very close to being crazy so I choose my jokes carefully).



This is so true!!

I don't get how mono/poly folk are all that different?
Ohh we are so very different in one very important way. A poly person's love is infinitely infinite for many where a mono person's love is infinitely infinite for one. That's my take anyways.

Glad I made you laugh like a crazy cabin woman
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Old 07-06-2010, 06:12 AM
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I don't get how mono/poly folk are all that different?
come to poly camp this weekend where the three of us will fill you in during the workshop we are doing... that and one on poly vees/triads.

anyone want to add any insight? We sure could use the help! We are trying to make it as light as possible I think, but send the message that it's serious business, if you know what I mean.
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Old 07-06-2010, 06:35 AM
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This is really fantastic, Mono... really. For many of us who cannot relate well to a monogamous perspective, it helps to have it spelled out in a straightforward but caring way.

I particularly like how you focus on needs rather than assumptions. Many of us who are poly have had our hearts broken by trying to navigate relationships with monogamous folks (or had partners who have done this, which amounts to much the same thing) and by looking at the situation in terms of specific needs it becomes much easier to see where people can either meet.. or diverge.
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Old 07-06-2010, 02:58 PM
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(or had partners who have done this, which amounts to much the same thing).
This was patrially my motivation for writing this..as well as another friends recent troubles. Glad to contribute
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  #9  
Old 07-06-2010, 03:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
So you are thinking of dating a mono?

Here’s one person’s perspective on some basic tips to make an informed decision.

First ask yourself why would you do this in the first place. I mean Jeezuz, you’ve read the stories on here…now go smack yourself and find a Poly!…kidding, kidding.

Are you hoping to convert the mono? Some people are conditioned to be monogamous and will welcome a different approach to relationships, others are hard wired for it and will generate more red tape then the government at tax time.

Have you fallen in love with them and are willing to take on a huge challenge? Seriously, snake charming and croc wrestling might seem easier after going down this road.

Are you open poly or the poly-fi sort of person? (this is a biggy, so be honest and up front right away)

What are your relationship goals? Looking to build a network of romances, wanting a long-term partner to share life with, just want to roll in the hay occasionally…that sort of thing. (Science has proven that a mono can in fact roll just as well as a poly given the right consistency of hay)

Next ask your potential mono partner a few basic questions.

What are their relationship goals. It doesn’t have to be their expectations until death, but at least realistic. This will protect both of you. Believe it or not, some mono people will prey on the loving nature of Poly people to achieve another sexual conquest…because it’s all about sex….KIDDING! These types would be great for a friend with benefits or one night stand but could hurt you deeply if you fall for them. On the flip side, if they are looking for an inevitable traditional marriage or family you don’t want to give false hope. Monos can be really whiny when you switch things up on them.

Have they had other substantial relationships before? Poly experience would be great but the essential experience of being with another mono is paramount. Otherwise they will probably suffer the “grass is greener” syndrome. Signs of this syndrome include saying “fuck this shit”, “what the fuck am I doing” and “I wish I was Cinderella”. (This last one even scares the shit out of monos!)

So, why is identifying what poly means to you important? Some people have found poly through the love of one additional person. The multiple nature of this relationship is specific to include an individual and not out of pursuing a “way of loving”. This is a much more stable and adaptive situation for a mono in my opinion. Yes, they will be sharing their partner with another or perhaps established others, but they have a sense of calm and stability that monos crave like a single scoop of vanilla icecream!
In an open relationship (Poly with a chance of more balls….there’s a book and movie out..ohhh wait now, that’s not the title..my bad) the constant thought of when and who will be entering your life, and therefore their life, will be a damaging drain on most monos.
Don’t assume that the mono will understand your approach to poly. Explain it to them…slowly, like your talking to some one in a foreign country who will ultimately wonder what is wrong with you. Speed it up damn it! You’re English is still English!

So there you have it…tips to date a mono in a nutshell…ok, maybe two nutshells. But not four or six or whatever other number of nutshells..just two.
I seriously just laughed out loud for about 3 minutes reading and rereading this!!! And FYI my husband's Irish-English is definitely different than my American-English as is some Canadian-English--oot and aboot!LOL! Anyway Mono you need to write a book! I think just your blogs will do the trick, publish it man!
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:28 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Anyway Mono you need to write a book! I think just your blogs will do the trick, publish it man!
I would but I doubt any publisher would print only one copy of any book..I've got to stick to my principles
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