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  #111  
Old 05-25-2010, 05:49 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
But we see this term "romantic love" tossed around all the time.

And am I maybe the only one who doesn't have a real good grasp on what that means ?

How would you - or anyone define that in a way it could be identified - especially in contrast to..... say...platonic love ?
Romantic love = boyfriend/girlfriend

Platonic love = friends/parents/siblings

The "Triangular Theory of Love" explains the various forms of love very well (I just copied the relevant bits, see the article for all 7 forms of love):

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wikipedia

The triangular theory of love is a theory of love developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg. The theory characterizes love within the context of interpersonal relationships by three different components:
  • Intimacy – Which encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
  • Passion – Which encompasses drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation.
  • Commitment – Which encompasses, in the short term, the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, the shared achievements and plans made with that other.

Romantic love bonds individuals emotionally through intimacy and physically through passionate arousal.

Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. Sexual desire is not an element of companionate love. This type of love is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the relationship but a deep affection and commitment remain. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between close friends who have a platonic but strong friendship.

Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing an ideal relationship toward which people strive. Of the seven varieties of love, consummate love is theorized to be that love associated with the “perfect couple”. According to Sternberg, such couples will continue to have great sex fifteen years or more into the relationship, they can not imagine themselves happy over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their few difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other.[1] However, Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die" (1987, p. 341). Thus, consummate love may not be permanent. If passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.
Note, clearly this was written from a monogamous perspective, as polyamorists reject the idea that "they can not imagine themselves happy over the long-term with anyone else"... but the rest of it makes perfect sense to me, capturing the elements that are present in various kinds of love, and what makes different kinds of love..well, different.

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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

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  #112  
Old 05-25-2010, 06:00 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Romatic love= is sexual in nature initially and develops into a deeper affection or affinity based on intimacy and similar character and passion; though it is based on immediate lust it eventually becomes more about a commitment to mating and family bonding. SEX DRIVEN
Make sense? Agree? Disagree?
Actually, totally disagree... I do agree with the idea that romantic love necessarily INCLUDES sexual attraction...

But many friendships have evolved into romances, with the sexual attraction coming late in the game.

For me, sexual attraction only develops as I get to know a person better. I like eye candy as much as the next girl, but it never makes me wet in my pants the way intellectual things do, and you can only learn intellectual things about someone after going through some of the friendship stages.

Hell, when I met the love of my life, I barely gave him the time of day. I thought he was rather funny looking and didn't do it for me at all, until we spent some time together and he did this amazing energy thing which made me go "r-r-r-r-r-r-r". The foundation between my husband and I has always been energy-based, not sex-based.

We dated for a month, doing tantra and talking and cuddling, before we got sexual. At the time, I was in a "very lusty" relationship with someone else, and when my special man came along, my other romances paled by comparison and fell by the wayside. It turned out, sex-based relationships have nothing on relationships with deeper foundations.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 05-25-2010 at 06:08 AM.
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  #113  
Old 05-25-2010, 06:10 AM
SayYes SayYes is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Romantic love = boyfriend/girlfriend

Platonic love = friends/parents/siblings
This is interesting to me, because personally I'm capable of having sexual desire for friends while still loving them in a way that's somehow different from the way I love a significant other. I can easily conceptualize the vastly different kinds of love for boyfriends/girlfriends vs. parents/children, but friends are more of a gray area for me, in that I can feel emotionally platonic but physically romantic, if that makes any sense at all.
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  #114  
Old 05-25-2010, 12:15 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post

I hope this was meant to be humorous because I just LMAO!
It was actually serious because I happen to know that GS has been around here long enough and participated in discussions about this before, and if he doesn't know the difference by now, then he might as well give up trying.

However, the part about him being the ONLY one who doesn't know the difference is, perhaps, debatable.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-25-2010 at 12:19 PM.
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  #115  
Old 05-25-2010, 02:19 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
It was actually serious because I happen to know that GS has been around here long enough and participated in discussions about this before, and if he doesn't know the difference by now, then he might as well give up trying.

However, the part about him being the ONLY one who doesn't know the difference is, perhaps, debatable.
LOL

Trying to "know"......interesting concept.

In this context, any "knowing" refers to knowing others definition. Nothing to do with my own. I might "know" your definition and corresponding attitude. But I may not "know" the same of everyone - or even a large percentage. Because as the following posts illustrate, the term is one of those semantic traps we often fall into that leads us to have long discussions only to discover a bunch of people are in fact not even talking about the same thing !

So for conversation purposes it seems to boil down to
"romantic love" = love+sexual intensity
......for most people. But for some other percentage of people (me included) that definition comes up short.

And I guess as long as everyone can filter through the various definitions in individual posts based on overall perceptions of any given poster, it can serve a purpose.

GS
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  #116  
Old 07-01-2010, 11:40 PM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
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I'm definitely of the opinion that some people have the capacity to romantically love more than one person, and that others don't. I'm also of the opinion, based on my experiences, that there are actually quite a few people out there that believe they are mono until they run up against something different and CAN in fact open themselves up to a poly lifestyle. My SO came out as poly two years ago and I didn't like the idea at first (I didn't have the benefit of knowing what poly meant or have any kind of forum like this to turn to and boy do I ever wish I had!) and I was pretty upset that my SO could love someone else. Luckily we had a healthy relationship before that and we were able to communicate with each other about my jealousy, her feelings for M (her boyfriend), and all the other complicated issues that came up. We had to learn the hard way, through trial and error, but now at the other end of things I wouldn't go back to being mono if I could. I'm happy in my relationship with K (my SO) and happy with her relationship with M. I've met M, and have tried to be friends with him, but he's pretty uncomfortable with that idea, so unfortunately we don't have the ideal poly relationship, but we've worked out the kinks nonetheless.

My Friend J was in a relationship with a man she was really attracted to for a long time while keeping it very casual/non-committed because she is poly too and was afraid G (her love interest) couldn't accept it. When they finally did have a talk about a more serious relationship, J laid it all out on the table and G reacted how she thought he would, but saying he couldn't deal with it and basically giving up on the relationship. About two weeks after that happened G called up J and asked her if they could talk. Lo and behold, he had thought about it a lot (and missed J terribly) and decided/realized that he could compromise, that while he wanted monogamy he could let J be poly and that they could work it out. G realizes it will be difficult to navigate this kind of relationship, but he loves J and wants to be with her, so he's willing to give it a try (Yay!).

I recently met a woman on a business trip/conference type thing, and while I did not tell her I was in a relationship at first, I don't think I did anything ethically wrong. She let her interest be known (namely by hanging out with me at every spare moment and being very friendly) and I tried to be friendly and polite without giving any signs that I was romantically interested (which I'm guessing I probably failed at, I'm a bit of an open book). So after about a week of this (which boosted my ego rather out of proportion) I came right out and told her that I really liked her, and I told her about everything else, my relationship with K and her relationship with M and that I wasn't going to leave K under any circumstances but I still wanted to see her. I expected that would be the end of it right there, but luckily (I guess, I can't make myself feel too pleased with how things are turning out) we had a very long conversation, her being very much in tune with the mono philosophy, me being aligned with a poly philosophy. I'm still not sure I convinced her that I don't want to leave K, I don't think I really convinced her that a person can love more than one person at the same time, but when we both had to go back to our respective home cities (luckily enough she lives within a couple hours' drive) she told me that we'll play things by ear and that she's not going to write me off but she needs time to sort this out.

So long story short (as if that's ever going to happen with me...), if you're a poly person looking to add a third/fourth, secondary/primary etc. what ever you want to call it, don't expect that because someone identifies as mono that they are not open to the possibility of something else. I experienced that paradigm shift personally, and am very happy for it. I have seen other people re-evaluate their ideas of what a relationship can be and change their minds about being mono. I'm not saying it always works out well (only time will tell with J and G, only time will tell with me and my new interest, let's call her H) in fact it often doesn't (as with some previous dating experiences that I've had before meeting H) but the point is it's worth a try!

So far as broaching the subject with a possible love interest, it's true that laying it all out from the very beginning will scare some people off. While some people might find this the wrong way to go about things, (and I'm not going to try to say this IS the right way to go about it because I'm not sure myself) I try to give a person a little bit of time to get to know me first; if you think someone is interested in you, or you know they are, let them get to know what kind of person you are at least a little bit before you have 'the talk'. Don't let things get physical and don't let this person get too emotionally invested in you, or you them. I'd say give it a couple of dates/outings, there's no right or wrong number, but don't drag your feet about it under any circumstances. Don't lie; if this someone asks you if you are involved, then it's time to have 'the talk'. If this someone comes right out and tells you how much they like you, that's an appropriate time as well. If you feel like you really like this person and you could see them potentially being part of your life, it's definitely time to tell them. In this situation it is always best to bring it up too early rather than too late because if it's too early the worst that could happen is your potential love interest will simply walk away, if you leave it too late then you're acting unethically and you're going to hurt someone and quite possibly yourself too. It's a fine line to walk because if you bring it up on the first date, the person may like you but they may want to cut and run rather than have to deal with uncomfortable emotions and the intricacies involved in a poly relationship; people stick to what they know and are already comfortable with. If you bring it up too late, the person will feel like you've deceived them (and if the dating/hanging out has turned into a relationship and you still haven't told them, then you ARE deceiving them and it IS too late). Like I said, I'm not sure if this is the right, ethical thing to do, but since much of the normative North American culture is based on a mono philosophy and many, many people have misconceptions as to what it means to be poly, I feel like it's the best workable, ethical, and moral solution. The ideal way to do it would be to meet the person, talk to them for an hour or so to see if you even like them, and then lay it out point blank and let them take the ball from there, but in my experience that simply does not work out. I have gone on dates and laid it out point blank before the evening was over, and that I can say does not work. I have tried the online dating scene and have explicitly wrote in my profile that I am a polyamorist; three guesses how many replies I got on that site.

On the other side of the coin, it wastes a lot less time and emotional butterflies if you are up front about being poly, and any people who are still interested after you tell them are much more likely to be ok with a poly relationship. Again, I have to stress that I am of two minds about the approach that I've laid out; on one hand I stand a higher chance of getting what I want, on the other hand I might piss somebody off or hurt them emotionally. So far I haven't hurt anyone or pissed them off with this approach, mostly just delayed the inevitable, "I don't think I can do that." response and been disappointed, so in that aspect it has been successful for me. On the other hand, I feel like if I had told H at the outset that I was in a relationship at the first sign she might be interested in me, I highly doubt she would be giving us as much thought as she now is and I know she doesn't feel deceived or hurt because I asked her about it.

In any event, my two cents...

R
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  #117  
Old 07-02-2010, 10:23 AM
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Sorcha17 Sorcha17 is offline
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Wicked good post, I like the visual prop!

So many threads to read and alot of them are really long. So where do I find like-minded individuals in the Boston/Cape Cod area
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  #118  
Old 07-05-2010, 11:33 PM
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PixieStyx PixieStyx is offline
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Default Poly Dating sites

What are some good polyamory dating sites? My husband has a profile on OKCupid and we've found a couple prospects but we want to be sure that we find someone who is open to poly. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Jamie
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  #119  
Old 07-05-2010, 11:47 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2835

Big ole sticky on the ins and outs.

Best of luck in your search
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  #120  
Old 07-06-2010, 12:29 AM
ironhed85 ironhed85 is offline
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Default Polyamoury dating sites

Jamie,

I have been stuck in the quagmire of the swinger scene for the last year with my girlfriend who is an ex-swinger. The relationships that have I formed within the scene have helped me better understand myself and realize that I have no business there. I have been trying to tune into the polyamoury scene as that is my true orientation but have found there are very few resources on the interenet for dating and organizations. I personally think that AFF, Ashleigh Madison, sexsearch.com, are a waste of time as the ratio of men to women is obscene.

I am sorry that I cannot offer any suggestions as to polyam dating sites, If you find anthing good that is regional, please let me know.

Regards,

Philip
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