Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 07-29-2009, 06:21 PM
Nyx Nyx is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: north america
Posts: 53
Wink A little introspection

Something another person wrote on here made me want to post a little more about my situation.

My bf and I are taking a "break" from each other for a few weeks. I find that getting back to myself and really digging deep into my feelings without his actions or presence aggravating things is helping a little.

I have to work on my own self-esteem. I bring all kinds of issues from the way I was brought up (and the way I have been treated in past relationships as well) into my current relationship that are not right and not fair.

My father ran around with other women sometimes. I just remember my mom talking about it and her pain was so large. She has never been the same since, she shut herself off from men completely and has not had a relationship since theirs failed 25 years ago.

I have this deeply ingrained sense that if your partner is sleeping with someone else, or even just being emotionally close, that means they don't love you and you are worthless. My mom based her entire existence around what my father did. To this day, she suffers from self-hatred because her relationship failed.

Growing up, my mom spoke of his freedom with such poison and hatred and jealousy, at the time it made me feel afraid, that my father is untrustworthy and cruel because he liked other women.

Then when I grew up and had my own relationships, two of the most important men I was ever with cheated on me and dumped me for the other woman. Even my daughter's father left us when she was four months old to be with his new gf.

Both of these men told me what they preferred about the other women, why I wasn't good enough for them and the other women were better than me (the reasons ranged from "she's thinner than you" to "she's fun to be with and you are not").

I fight those ingrained values and beliefs about my self every day. They are not right, they cause sickness, grief, and anger. When I feel free with my bf I am so happy. I want nothing more than to give him as much freedom and unconditional love as he gives me.

It's a struggle to get away from my roots and the pain I correlate with men "straying".

But what I am fighting for is so worth it. I love my bf so very much and despite my fears, I know he loves me and thinks I am wonderful. I can believe I am a great and worthwhile person when I am with him.

Thus the break. If I can feel worthwhile to myself independent of him or anyone else, then I have won.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-29-2009, 06:57 PM
redsirenn's Avatar
redsirenn redsirenn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 293
Default

When my marriage failed I suffered a great deal. After months of thinking about why I was so upset, I realized it was not because I mourned the loss of our relationship, but because I felt insecure, unworthy, and feared being alone forever. The truth is, the relationship was crap. I was conditioned to believe I was not worthy. I am totally worthy of love - real love in the form that I want it. Once I realized all that pain was actually caused by my own beliefs in myself, I knew I would never again feel pain like that from the ending of a relationship.

It is an incredibly important thing to feel strong within yourself. The challenge, for me atleast, is to balance compassion, loving, vulnerability, and care with a strong sense of self esteem and the ability to stand up for yourself.

I truly hope you find what you are looking for. It sounds like you have some understanding of what that is already.

good luck.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-29-2009, 08:04 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
I have this deeply ingrained sense that if your partner is sleeping with someone else, or even just being emotionally close, that means they don't love you and you are worthless.
I don't know how it is in other cultures, but here in the USA, this attitude is almost ubiquitous. Movies, television, love songs..., parents, friends, colleagues, churches..., everyone seems to be entirely convinced that for it to be true love it must be exclusive and dyadic [http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dyadic]. (I like to provide dictionary definitions, sometimes, when I'm using infrequently used words.) So, naturally, it can be very challenging to come to understand that this particular myth about "true love" is entirely wrong, false... poppycock. That it is poppycock can, in fact, be a world-shaking realization. It may cause one to question many other basic or fundamental beliefs which are almost ubiquitously held. But that it is popycock isn't wild speculative opinion. It's a fact that this belief is simply untrue. Lots and lots of people experience intense, happy, healthy multiple loves life. That's a FACT.

And it's important to know and understand this fact, because in this matter of public opinion, the overwhelming majority are simply WRONG. And it's often, if not always, extremely challenging to go against the cultural current in significant ways. Ignorant people will misunderstand or even condemn you. It's unjust and unfair..., but if you keep mindful of the facts their ignorance needn't deter you in attuning your attitudes to what is real. And that's a journey, since you have acquired the popular -- but erroniously based -- assumption as an attitude. That is, you say that if your boyfriend also has other girlfriends, that it sometimes feels as if that must mean he loves you less than if he were exclusive with you.

But that would be insufficient evidence that he loves you less. He'd have to provide better evidence, as in the form of some real and concrete abuse or neglect, some truly unloving behavior. Exclusivity is no proof of love: only loving behaviour is proof of love.

Don't lose track of the facts as you take this journey of discovery about love.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-29-2009, 11:54 PM
Nyx Nyx is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: north america
Posts: 53
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post

But that would be insufficient evidence that he loves you less. He'd have to provide better evidence, as in the form of some real and concrete abuse or neglect, some truly unloving behavior. Exclusivity is no proof of love: only loving behaviour is proof of love.
I cringe as I read this because I know that in my jealousy I have behaved less than lovingly towards him at times. He cited me for it the other day, used the word "abusive" and that was my deciding factor in taking a break from our relationship.

I feel this guilt inside that maybe my love for him is false - if I truly loved him, how could I possibly hurt him?? But then again, it has also been part of my upbringing/culture to react to pain by causing pain. It is difficult to shrug off these beliefs. As you describe above, these kinds of things are false!

It's like transforming my entire value system! And I'm gonna do it, because the current one is f**ked.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-30-2009, 02:48 AM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Nyx,

It's not easy to ask such questions seriously and honestly. But you're beginning to do so, and that takes courage, strength, and a commitment to reality and truth. Stay with that and it will take you all the way. Ultimately, there's no real evasion of it, anyway. So, good on you! I have faith in the process you're engaging! Ride that horse!
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-30-2009, 02:58 AM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
It's like transforming my entire value system! And I'm gonna do it, because the current one is f**ked.
In reading this, I'm reminded of a bit of wisdom from a participant in this forum from some time back, Padma..., who encouraged people here to be friendly toward themselves in whatever they were feeling, even as they are undergoing changes in those attitudes. Padma became a very close friend, though we've never actually met, face to face. We "talk" frequently, online. He lives in England, and I in "The States". He's planning to come visit with me next summer, or so!

Please be tender and loving toward yourself as you inquire into and question your most familiar attitudes and beliefs. You are not REQUIRED to change. In any case, we bring the best love to others when we bring it to ourselves. Do that, changes or otherwise. Love yourself -- that you may then love others. However you do that.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-30-2009, 03:46 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369
Default

Reading everything you've been through, I think it's amazing how far you've already come. As children, our values are defined for us. As adults, we have the ability to define them ourselves. However many times over we want/need to do that. We all have baggage from our parents, friends, previous relationships, etc. It's no different for poly as it is for mono people. So please don't be angry at yourself for dwelling on some of the more negative aspects of your history. First, let go of your self-destructive anger. Then you can start to put down the baggage as well. I think you're doing a wonderful job and are more self aware than alot of people I've talked to.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:31 AM.