Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 07-29-2009, 10:04 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by distraughtinNJ View Post
Yes it is what is on offering and I am having a hard time dealing with that.
Probably, the only hope you have to deal with it well is to find out precisely, exactly, down to the nitty gritty emotional and conceptual details, why this is so "hard" for you.

And that's only the start! Then, you will have to stare it down. I mean, really look at it long and hard, and find out whether what you think and feel is, ultimately, true, good, and right.

Right now, odds are, you're just thinking and feeling what was implanted in you -- and most all of us -- while growing up.

Most everyone in this forum is grappling with that conditioning; and some of us are much further down the road than others.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 07-29-2009, 10:27 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

http://www.polyamory.org.uk/jealousy_clewis.html
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 07-30-2009, 12:19 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: north america
Posts: 53
Default

Distraught - I might be able to help in some way, if nothing else than to tell you I have a similar quandary myself. I have other posts on here explaining more, but basically I have been momogamous but involved with a man for over a year who told me he was poly from the start, but TRIED to be mono with me for several months, could not, and now it is my turn to try his way.

First off, I am asking myself: What is love? What does it mean to be in love? What am I getting out of this relationship that it means so much? What exactly is wrong with my bf being with other women? What exactly am I afraid of and is that fear based on reality or fantasy?

Here are some answers I have pondered: Love is a reciprocal relationship between people where all parties get their needs met in regard to support, companionship, positive regard, attention.

I am still working on what it means to be in love...there are a myriad answers to this, same as there are many answers to the above question as well.

As to what is wrong with my man seeing other women....I come up short-handed on good answers there. My bf has been honest with me about who he is seeing and when. He has been respectful (mostly, although we have had many miscommunications too) of my feelings.

My one argument was STD's and that was resolved by his promise to be safe and communicate with his lovers before sexual encounters (that hasn't even come up yet though). But that doesn't make me entirely comfortable with the idea of him sleeping with other women, it helps though.

Other than that, I know that he loves me the same amount regardless of who he spends time with. But it is another thing entirely for me to live that knowledge, put it into practice, believe it.

We can't have someone's attention all the time. It seems to me like the most difficult hurdle you have already been dealing with: sharing him with his wife. If you can come to terms with the fact that he sleeps with you both that's a major accomplishment.

I understand your fear. It's about losing control. It's about uncertainty. All valid fears. But you can work through them if it's important enough. I have a long road ahead myself. But I am committed to exploring my own internal fears and insecurities. I hope things work out for you and please keep us posted.

Oh and as far as worrying what other people think - I started by edging around the subject with people I felt might understand and quickly realized that my friends and family were more understanding than I thought they would be. Some people, however, like my mother would not understand. I did mention to her my bf's decision and she was disgusted so I avoid conversations with her about it.

Last edited by Nyx; 07-30-2009 at 12:22 AM. Reason: Forgot!
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 07-30-2009, 01:56 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by distraughtinNJ View Post
I do not want to lose him. I connected with HIM and want to have a relationship with HIM. I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife.
My understanding is that when you began your relationship he was in the process of leaving his wife. This implies you were prepared and intending to enter a monogamous relationship. If that is the case than I see his changing his mind as a breach of the expected dynamic and an extreme one at that.

If he follows through with rebuilding his marriage then based on your own statement you are probably not going to be healthy in this. Your choice is clear to me.

"I did not sign on to have to have share him with his wife".

Let him go.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 07-30-2009, 02:33 AM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
My understanding is that when you began your relationship he was in the process of leaving his wife. This implies you were prepared and intending to enter a monogamous relationship. If that is the case than I see his changing his mind as a breach of the expected dynamic and an extreme one at that. [....]

Let him go.
Mono..., Don't you think the situation is a little more nuanced than that?
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 07-30-2009, 02:41 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
Mono..., Don't you think the situation is a little more nuanced than that?
I think there might be a tinge of denial in it. Nyx seams clear she does not like or want his wife's involvement. That is not sustainable in light of how much of him she wants I think. I am just concerned that people don't settle for some of what they want, poly or mono. Go for great, not good.

I know what living unfullfilled feels like. I don't do that anymore and I wouldn't want it for any one else.

That's all, but I can be pretty simple sometimes
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 07-30-2009, 03:35 AM
XYZ123 XYZ123 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Posts: 369
Default

JRiver- I have to agree with Mono. If she can look deep down into herself and say "This is worth it. I can do this." great. But, if not, or if she's "settling" as he puts it, she needs to move on.
You talk alot about how "conditioning" is why people feel they need to be mono and how it is "false" and can be "overcome". But it isn't false. And it isn't always about conditioning. Sometimes....people are just mono. Because that's who they are. Just as they are poly, gay, straight, bi, etc. And we can love more than one person, yes, but that love takes different forms. Maybe only one love can be romantic.

Distraught- It seems as if, if you decide to stick with him, you will have to share him. It doesn't mean he loves you less because he loves his wife. It doesn't mean that, given time and effort, you can't establish a more friendly and respectful relationship with his wife. And it doesn't mean your relationship with him is threatened-at least not in his eyes. What you have to do is basically what Nyx suggested. Take a good look at yourself, your emotions, your thoughts, and your relationship with him. Then decide if what you gain from it is worth what you feel you're losing. All relationships are compromise. But none should feel one sided or settled for.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 07-30-2009, 03:08 PM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,894
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
JRiver- ....
You talk a lot about how "conditioning" is why people feel they need to be mono and how it is "false" and can be "overcome". But it isn't false. And it isn't always about conditioning.
I never said that monogamy, per se, is "false" -- which would be a plenty weird thing to say -- what could that mean? Rather, I said that the BELIEF that only monogamous (or pair-bonded, dyadic) love could be true love is false. And it is false, and that's a fact and not merely an opinion. Apparently millions of people are able to "romantically" love more than one person at a time and to have very happy and healthy polyamorous love. I keep repeating this fact in order to help counterpoise the nearly ubiquitous attitude which denies this reality by insisting that only dyadic love is "true love".

Monogamy, per se, is neither true nor false. It is monogam-ism which is false. Monogamism is the belief that only monogamous love is real and valid, and nonmonogamy is always inferior or morally wrong.

It may be true that some folks just aren't cut out for polyamory, in the sense that they simply cannot live and love this way. But I believe this is a changable condition, not a permanent one. I was myself once such a person. I changed. And I'm extremly happy that this change has occurred in myself. It's one of the most valued changes I've gone through, for I have learned many other things through the process, besides. And I feel that I much better understand what love is, because of it. True love isn't fearful and possessive, or jealous. Yet we all grew up with movies and tv shows and radio songs..., and parents, and friends, and churches..., saying that it is. Well it isn't! That, too, is false. Jealousy and fear and possessiveness... are symptoms of insecurity, doubt, and fear of lack. That's all they are. They surely are not symptoms of love. Love is much better without them.
__________________
bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 07-30-2009, 07:46 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JRiverMartin View Post
That, too, is false. Jealousy and fear and possessiveness... are symptoms of insecurity, doubt, and fear of lack. That's all they are. They surely are not symptoms of love. Love is much better without them.
This is not meant to an argument but just another viewpoint that I hear from many.

Selfishness, neediness, and putting yourself first are also not symptoms of love and to a large number of people in the straight and queer communities that is what polyamory amounts to.

Wanting multiple loves/lovers can also be attributed to a degree of insecurity as well.

There are too sides to every coin.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 07-30-2009, 07:55 PM
distraughtinNJ distraughtinNJ is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 10
Default

Thanks to all of you. I had a visit to my shrink today and she, as well as I, want to know what the benefits are to polyamory that can convince a "conditioned mono".
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:45 AM.