Feedback please! Can you convert back to being mono after discovering you are poly?

[inlovewith2]

Originally Posted by immaterial

Poly people can be successfully monogamous, as polyamory is not non-monogamy. It seems interesting to me, however, that loving many but being sexually focused on only one can be done. I have never been able to do that. Of course, I am an admitted non-monogamist, however.

This is a bit garbled. What I mean is: you don't have to "go back" to being mono if you are polyamorous. You can be polyamorous and mono. Does that make sense? I guess you could even recognize you are non-monogamous and just choose not to act on it. I haven't had much success with that, however.

Immaterial

Yeah, if I may sound like a child just for a moment "I don't wanna"!!!! Wahh!!!

Dh has asked me why I need to have sex with them. And the truth is, I don't *need* to. It is a significant want, so much so that it feels like a need, but I can't honestly say it is a need.

My first oso and I had sex and it was a reflection of both our love for each other and where we were at then (that's cryptic, but...).

My 2nd oso and I have talked a lot about it. Sex is not the be all and end all for us. But intimacy is important to us. We would like to have sex as an expression of our feelings for one another. We are respecting the boundaries dh has set, but it does feel like a constraint.

My potential oso is an experienced poly guy/swinger. It's amusing to me how slow he is moving. But it fits for all of us right now. I don't need to have sex with him. Do I want to? Yes, but I'm also scared d/t his experience. So, slow is good.

I'm composing a post about the meaning of sex, but who knows how long that will take to get posted .

I guess that was off track, but the point, I think, is that I've moved to this point with the others, and feel pressured by that even though no one is, in and of themselves, pressuring me.

I hope this makes some sense...

Christie

[rpcrazy]

i'm poly. But i'm in a monogamous relationship, and have no issues with it. Though the relationship itself has issues, nothing to do with poly vs. mono

[inlovewith2]

Originally Posted by SayYes

This quote is very salient for me. It is my biggest fear--I've sacrificed a lot for our relationship, not because he asked me to, but because I *chose* to, but it did damage for sure. What damage would this do?

You lay it out very nicely. This is at the heart of it, isn't it?

Christie

[redpepper]

@inlovewith2- I don't think its so much the wanting of sex and the love of two men, loving them in return to, but the need beyond that. Only you can answer that I think.
For me that is the need to be surrounded so I don't feel abandoned. I feel safe. I feel whole. I need that.

[inlovewith2]

Originally Posted by redpepper

@inlovewith2- I don't think its so much the wanting of sex and the love of two men, loving them in return to, but the need beyond that. Only you can answer that I think.
For me that is the need to be surrounded so I don't feel abandoned. I feel safe. I feel whole. I need that.

Ok, I can be dense ;-). What you are saying, I think, is that it's not just about sex, it's about what sexual connection and love can develop into? I don't know exactly what it's about for me, other than connection. And I love feeling sexually healthy, which is selfish, but still good.

I need help identifying what it is exactly, as dh is having the hardest time understanding the desire for sexual intimacy.

Certainly feeling safe is very important to me. Interestingly, I've had a little bit of turmoil with 2 of the guys. One misread my husband's intentions in a a letter he wrote, and made a big deal out of it, the other seems to want to rush the relationship and is impatient for dh to get to the point where he feels comfortable. So, I think you may have hit the proverbial nail on the head, RP. I need to feel safe, and prefer not to have my fear of abandonment triggered (the end of a relationship is always a risk).

What I think right now is that I need most for things to feel more settled and less chaotic. And I need to focus on my wonderful dh, which oso1 isn't going to love so much, but....I think I'll post a separate one on that if/when I get a chance.

Oh, and my dh is on this board and has gotten a lot of support (thank you!!!!). His screenname (not his real one) is David Webb (hi Bourne lovers). He and I decided that this is our journey, and it would be easiest for you all to guide us if you knew that we are a unit, a pretty great one at that!

Let me just say publicly that he is the most amazing man I've ever known. I love him to depths that I cannot explain! Yes I hurt him, and that is still so hard to deal with. We *will* work it out.

And to those of you who said that I moved too fast, please know that I know that; my head is spinning too.

Thanks to all!!!!

Christie

[Erato]

Wow, I'm in a very similiar boat to you, inlovewith2.

My partner is monogamous (and happy/proud of it) and I have only come to realise during the time I have been dating him that I *am* poly, not that it's a lifestyle choice which might work for me.

I still can't explain about the reason why I desire more than one lover at a time. There was a counsellor I saw once who said something like: "We could explore why you feel you need it, what you get from it." And the only answer I can think of for that would be "love".

You can never have too much love, right? I know you can certainly have too little. A group can achieve much more than a single pair.

I'm holding back on taking other partners but it does feel like trying to "convert back to being mono" for me. If it were just painful then I think I would do it, I really love this guy, but the problem I really face is that I'm not sure if I can and I'm not sure how to figure out if I can without long periods of suffering on both our parts.

I hope you guys work it out, sorry I couldn't give any advice on it, and thanks for showing me that there is someone out there who knows what I'm going through to some extent!

[MonoVCPHG]

I think a disciplined person can force themselves to live any way they want to or have to....but I doubt if they would be as healthy as they could be if they lived the way they were meant to. Mono and poly can both put masks on but hopefully we all have the strength to take them off no matter how painful so people can see our true faces.

[jkelly]

Originally Posted by inlovewith2

So, now what? Can I just “go back” to being mono? Regardless, I know that I need to put things on hold with my secondaries, but damn if that's not hard on many levels...

Well, I imagine it's probably pretty hard for your "secondaries", too, since they're having their relationship with you stop and start at the whims of you and your partner.

Anyway, I think that this identity stuff; "I'm poly-, he's mono-, she's polyflexible" etc. can just confuse things, at least some of the time. Plenty of people in long term monogamous relationships find themselves attracted to, or falling in love with, someone other than their partner. They then decide whether to explore that, either by cheating or leaving, or not.

I don't think that "being poly-" makes much of a difference in all this, with one exception. If one finds oneself interested in someone who is themselves interested in being poly-, that makes it a lot more tempting to leave, because one can then have the kind of relationship one has been wanting to have. Other than that, an identity or relationship style preference doesn't drive one into new relationships; we all deliberately choose to do that each time.

[inlovewith2]

Originally Posted by Erato

My partner is monogamous (and happy/proud of it) and I have only come to realise during the time I have been dating him that I *am* poly, not that it's a lifestyle choice which might work for me.

I still can't explain about the reason why I desire more than one lover at a time. There was a counsellor I saw once who said something like: "We could explore why you feel you need it, what you get from it." And the only answer I can think of for that would be "love".

You can never have too much love, right? I know you can certainly have too little.

I'm holding back on taking other partners but it does feel like trying to "convert back to being mono" for me. If it were just painful then I think I would do it, I really love this guy, but the problem I really face is that I'm not sure if I can and I'm not sure how to figure out if I can without long periods of suffering on both our parts.

I hope you guys work it out, sorry I couldn't give any advice on it, and thanks for showing me that there is someone out there who knows what I'm going through to some extent!

Erato,

I hear you. It's an odd juxtaposition of feeling like I'd do anything for him and yet knowing that no matter what I did, in terms of letting go of partners, I'd still be poly. Then again, he has no issue with me being emotionally intimate, only physically. I don't know. I hope you work it out too. I hope to look for more posts from you; perhaps we can share this journey together!

Best of luck,

Christie (no need to spell out inlovewith2, and it's such a weak name anyway ;-)).

[DavidWebb]

Hi Sage... I took your advice and joined.
An interesting read into my beloved's mindset this thread was... (why am I talking like Yoda all of a sudden?)

SayYes, you're reply makes sense, but boy does it seem harsh.

My heart says I *want* to be with one person and I want that person to *want* to be with just me. For the past 15 years, up to last year, I knew who that person was.

Christie means too much for me to just say this mono/poly difference is too much to handle without trying to understand everything I can about it. So I'm reading Opening Up, chatting with poly folks, and will now be on this forum.

-DW