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  #1  
Old 07-05-2010, 03:40 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Default I can't believe this happened..

Well, I went to a festival in upstate New York where there was a woman that I had been talking to in advance.

She had shown interest in me in the past two weeks since we had met online but I was uncertain and didn't make any promises as we hadn't met yet.

I spent time with her the first day I arrived and realized very quickly that dating her was a terrible idea. The reason being is that she is, by her own admission, very high maintenance(like middle of the night phone calls for obscure emotional reasons on a routine basis) and she lives over 10 hours away. So, I gently(but directly) told her this and she seemed to accept it.

Then she started insinuating that she wanted to have sex with me. As a core part of my relationship agreement is that we have to be seeing someone for three months before sex happened I, at first, steered the conversation away from that. Then she became more blatant about her requests for sex. I became absolutely crystal clear about the fact that I did not want to have sex with her at that point or any other point and explained why. She was irritated and petulant but she accepted it at first.

The evening progressed and she asked me to walk her to her tent. I had done a very intense stage performance about an hour or so before and, to be blunt, was extremely out of it(I am still a little hoarse and this happened two days ago).

Once we got to her tent she invited me in for a moment and I said that I didn't think that was a good idea. She reassured me that it was a good idea and gently pulled me into the tent against my protest. Then after asking me to take my shoes off she lunged at me. I said again and again that I didn't want to be intimate with her and she tried to pull me down on top of her.

After pushing her off of me more than once she laid down limp on the floor of the tent and I left.

I know that it was really stupid to go into her tent, but in my own defense I told her vaguely on some occasions and in great detail on one occasion(not 5 hours beforehand) that I did not want to have sex with her and would not want to have sex with her at any point in the future.

I ended up leaving the festival early because I realized that at this point she wasn't respecting my statement that I wasn't going to have sex with her and that by being there I was(in her mind at least) consenting to having sex with her. I informed the organizers of what was going on and left immediately thereafter.

I feel very fragile and tired right now. I feel stupid for having gone to this event, I feel stupid for being nice to this woman in any way, and I feel triply stupid for thinking that me saying no had any weight at all and going into that damned tent. My only comfort right now is that I honored the relationship agreement with my primary.
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Old 07-05-2010, 03:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Women like this exist. And for them, sex is a big boost. They rarely get refused because, honestly, most men won't say no.

Don't feel stupid, why do you feel guilt because she didn't get it. Don't be the victim be proud of your own resolution.
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Old 07-05-2010, 04:12 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Women like this exist. And for them, sex is a big boost. They rarely get refused because, honestly, most men won't say no.

Don't feel stupid, why do you feel guilt because she didn't get it. Don't be the victim be proud of your own resolution.
Thank you.

Early in the process, when she first started circling, a friend who knew her said that she had never really been told "no" before and she didn't know what to do.

And you are right. I'm still lagging a bit in my internal rephrasing(not changing the events, but changing my view of the events). I guess part of me thinks that I wasn't clear enough. But then I remind myself that I couldn't have been any more clear. It isn't that she didn't get it. It's that she got it and just didn't care.

Also, I made sure to remove any ability she had to contact me.
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Old 07-05-2010, 06:01 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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I second the sentiment of "good job" for sticking to your agreement.
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  #5  
Old 07-06-2010, 12:48 AM
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Nothing for you to be ashamed of here, quite the opposite actually.

Crazy people will be crazy. You can't help that fact of life. This woman was convinced you were going to sleep with her, and was willing to ignore everything you had repeatedly told her to make it happen, when it was clearly against your wishes and desires. This shows a completel lack of respect for you and your SO in my mind, and the fact that she tried to manipulate you after you dumped so much energy and emotion into doing something like a stage show tells me that this person really has no scruples to speak of.

You, on the other hand, thought everything through from the point at which you met this woman face to face, made a responsible decision about her, and stuck to both your decision and you and your SOs rules, even in a moment when you were not at your 100% best. Well done, sir. (Umm.. I think you're a 'sir', anyway ).

Seriously, you should treat yourself to a good thick steak and an expensive beer, simply for dealing with this mess the way you did.
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Old 07-07-2010, 01:06 AM
otter otter is offline
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You are one of the good guys in the world.
Thank You.
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Old 07-08-2010, 08:28 PM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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For anyone who reads this, reverse the gender roles. A lightbulb is sure to go off. All of your feelings stem from having been *sexually assaulted*. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too. Your experience is a case in point. If a female had written the original post, I'm quite sure the replies would be along different lines.

You have some healing from assault trauma to work through. Whatever your feelings are, you have to write them out, honor them, take them seriously. You were the victim of a sexual assault, plain and simple.

Immaterial
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Old 07-08-2010, 09:57 PM
RGee91 RGee91 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
For anyone who reads this, reverse the gender roles. A lightbulb is sure to go off. All of your feelings stem from having been *sexually assaulted*. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too. Your experience is a case in point. If a female had written the original post, I'm quite sure the replies would be along different lines.

You have some healing from assault trauma to work through. Whatever your feelings are, you have to write them out, honor them, take them seriously. You were the victim of a sexual assault, plain and simple.

Immaterial


I was LITERALLY just about to make this exact response. Just because the gender roles are reversed means nothing, this woman made a blatant attempt to rape you. If you had not been strong enough to get her off of you, or if the gender roles were reversed, this could be a very different thread altogether. Because even if a woman got the man off of her, the entire thread would still be encouraging her to press charges I'm sure.... I guess the important thing is that you got out of the tent... but seriously, whatever you feel about the situation, you are 100% justified in feeling it...
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Old 07-09-2010, 12:51 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
For anyone who reads this, reverse the gender roles. A lightbulb is sure to go off. All of your feelings stem from having been *sexually assaulted*. Yes, men can be sexually assaulted too. Your experience is a case in point. If a female had written the original post, I'm quite sure the replies would be along different lines.

You have some healing from assault trauma to work through. Whatever your feelings are, you have to write them out, honor them, take them seriously. You were the victim of a sexual assault, plain and simple.

Well, I feel, to be honest, a little crazy.

First of all, sex feels all wierd and dirty to me right now. Even the most romantic "love making" type experiences feel like sex on an alley wall with a prostitute. I feel the physical desire for sex but at the same time it repulses me.

It is very hard not to feel emasculated("a Real Man would have just gone in with a woohoo and gotten laid, dude") but I'm mostly managing. I think that part of this is because of the extreme anger that I'm feeling right now. I wish that I wasn't so angry. I not only can't hold her in compassion but I can't even hold her in indifference right now. I just want to lash out at someone, anyone. I have to keep reminding myself that the people I see on a day to day basis, my coworkers, my SO, her OSO, friends, even the people here, had no part in what happened and so they are not at all deserving of my anger.

Since it happened I can't help but feel like it was my fault somehow. Maybe I should have been more clear that not avoiding her didn't mean I wanted to have sex with her. Maybe I shouldn't be looking for another girlfriend, maybe I shouldn't be with the girlfriend I have, maybe I should just push away all of this damned desire for sex and cuddling and affection.

I sometimes think(much like I thought at the moment) that it would have been so much easier just to let it happen.

I feel like I'm being a drama whore by even thinking about this, much less talking about it. I feel like I should be over this, like it shouldn't be a big deal. I *won*. I got out of the tent. My penis did not go into her vagina. But I feel like I lost in a big way.

I'm going to a monthly support group this Sunday although, to be honest, it terrifies me. I'm scared that people are going to not get it, make snide remarks, or treat me poorly. Usually that would be no big deal. Now it is.
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Old 07-09-2010, 01:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Aww, thanks for sharing so openly and vulnerably. It's totally understandable to me you'd feel violated, like your boundaries have been crossed big time. No wonder you feel turned off to touch w even your SO right now.

Take you time and feel your feelings. They will pass eventually, if you don't ignore them now.
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