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  #41  
Old 07-04-2010, 12:37 PM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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From eternalsoul's earlier post: "I said that our past sexual relationships with others has just been sex. Obviously. That's kind of how threesomes start and end. So I don't understand what you mean, but alright. "

Actually, poly threesomes seem to be really great friendships, that evolve into mutual sexual attraction. The friendship portion is, rather important. Really, how much time can you spend in bed? There's a lot of time left for talking, cooking, watching movies, swimming, playing on the beach, etc. --non-sexual activities.

Okay, maybe they don't start that way, but the friendship/relationship is the difference between Poly and a one night stand/swinging.
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  #42  
Old 07-04-2010, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by clairegoad View Post
Actually, poly threesomes seem to be really great friendships, that evolve into mutual sexual attraction. The friendship portion is, rather important. Really, how much time can you spend in bed? There's a lot of time left for talking, cooking, watching movies, swimming, playing on the beach, etc. --non-sexual activities.

Okay, maybe they don't start that way, but the friendship/relationship is the difference between Poly and a one night stand/swinging.
agreed Claire, poly relationships are not about boy toys... or sperm donors for that matter. It might take a bit to get into the swing of relating to a man if the two of you are women. It might be worth investigating what it is you actually want from a man. Maybe starting at a snails pace and not thinking about the destination would be more appropriate. After all, men ( and anyone for that matter) have their own lives to consider... they are going to have their own needs in a relationship with the two of you, rather than being the object of your desire.

When I first came out as non-monogamous about 15 years ago (I didn't know the term poly, I only knew that about 5 years ago), I was identifying as a lesbian for 10 years by then and had a wife of 5 years. We always thought that we would have other female lovers, but I fell for a friend of ours. Nerdist. My wife tried her darnedest to bring him into our lives and be a part of his sexually, but she could not. She is a lesbian and monogamous. It broke us up in the end and I married, and had a child with Nerdist.

I think I know a little of what you are talking about and the delicate nature of suggesting bringing a man into a relationship... and being in his life. I can tell you, the whole dynamic changes entirely when men are involved... the energy is completely different... my hormones changed entirely. My body changed to merge with his energy. It was a complete 180 turn in my life when nerdist and I got together.

I lost my friends, my community, my wife (I still love her dearly), my sense of self recognition in terms of my body and identity. I am completely different now. I am a better me, but I miss the women's community and all that went with it. If I could merge the two I would, but that, for some reason, is unacceptable in the lesbian community and I just sit on the outside and be sad.

Again, this warrants a lot of educating I think and not only checking in with your partner very delicately (I can see why you would hesitate now, thanks for more info) but also doing some soul searching as to what this may come to for you and her... will you be okay with buying donor sperm on line? or do you really want to include a daddy in that way..? would it be better to find a friend? my friends have included gay men who want to be daddies in their lives.. sperm and all, but no sex. what are you options?

Good luck, you have a lot to think about.

One last thing, please refrain from using derogatory terms such as "retarded" on this forum. Words such as this are unacceptable as they are demeaning and phobic towards people with cognitive and developmental disabilities.

I will get my buddy with down syndrome on you... he is a force to be reckoned with. He doesn't take to that kind of shit talk.

Oh ya---- happy pride, I'm off to our pride parade and celebration!!! woot woot.
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  #43  
Old 07-05-2010, 01:49 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eternalsoul View Post
Our relationship is perfect how it is right now and I know she's happy with it. Although I want to share this relationship with someone else for more support, more affection, more intense sex, and because I personally feel it's best for a child to have more than one or two parents, doesn't mean that she feels the same way and I'm afraid that bringing it up could possibly cause issues that and I'm honestly a little scared to rock the boat in such a great relationship.
In the context of the often referred refrigerator example, right now when the relationship is going well might be a good time to rock the boat, rather than some other time when things aren't going so well and the boat is in danger of capsizing all on it's own. Yes, it has it's risks...but if your relationship is strong enough to venture into poly, then you should be able to talk about it with her.

I'm curious if you echo the same mixed signals with her? When you talk about the novel, do you have the same sentiments about the characters involved in their triads? When you talk to her about your relationship, do you use the conventional monogamous scripts that everyone is used to? (ie: "I only have eyes for you", "I don't need anyone else") Is it possible she's scared to ask you the same questions about having other people involved with the two of you?

There is the often used mantra of communication in poly...we really can't know the answers for sure, until we ask. However, I'd also suggest that you be patient. Even if she is agreeable, it might take time to find a suitable partner, and develop a stable relationship with them. Particularly if you're talking about making kids and a family, that is a big deal...it needn't be rushed.
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  #44  
Old 07-05-2010, 03:16 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by eternalsoul View Post
Thanks, that was only mildly offensive. My communication skills are pretty great actually, but I guess me wanting to spare my girlfriend's feelings and risk doing harm to my relationship of three years is just retarded because I mean, being in a relationship for three years obviously means that I should just flat out tell my girlfriend that I want to bring a man into our relationship and shift the whole dynamic. It's not like it's a life changing decision or anything considering I am not just looking to date around--I'm looking for a family down the road.
I think the idea is that if you've got a good relationship that has lasted three years, you should be able to talk about most any topic at all without it negatively affecting your relationship. Seriously, if you can't bring up any given topic of conversation at this point, then there is strong reason to question your communication skills.

And asking about interest is not the same thing as simply dumping a major change wholesale on your girlfriend. After three years, if your relationship is good and your communication is good, asking about interest in a poly arrangment--especially when you're both conversant with what it is--shouldn't be a cause of much stress. You're not announcing plans to bring in a new man the next weekend or anything so drastic, I'll assume, so I think your fear of a negative reaction is unjustified.

She may not be interested. I doubt she'll be upset at you asking, though she likely will want to know why you ask.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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  #45  
Old 07-07-2010, 11:04 PM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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*shrug* - maybe it's because I had a lesbian couple as room mates for a while, but I picked up VERY quickly in the OP that this was a quad-X chromosome relationship situation, lol.

I'm going to echo what a lot of others have said - just bring it up. Subtely or bluntly - that depends on how you two talk about things otherwise. But do it. It is scary, but its a lot easier than it seems.

Think of how many of your statements/quotes were along the lines of "why don't they just" or "wouldn't it just be easier/better if they". From the outside looking in, miscomminications between couples or friends or any cloe group look simple and silly; in the mix, they're intimidating and scary. Rely on the connection that has kept you together for so long to make sense of the subject, and go for it.

Frankly, based on what you posted, I think you're both in a veyr similar mindset and are both scared to just elevate the topic. Total conjecture based on incomplete data on my part, but call it a strong gut feeling. She'll be more receptive than you are worried she'll be either way, because she loves you.
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  #46  
Old 10-04-2010, 01:54 PM
rawrdinosaur rawrdinosaur is offline
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Unhappy Talking about Polyamory to partners

So about 2 years ago I came across polyamory and realized that that described exactly how I felt about relationships and such. I was in a relationship with someone (D) and told them about it. They said that as long as it wasn't another guy (I'm bi) then they had no problem with it.
Fast forward to now. That person and I recently broke up because he had a lot of issues he needed to work on in his life and couldn't do it with me around. I ended up back with an old ex of mine (K). I've been in love with him for 6 years, but we only dated for a few months when we were young, dumb, and ignorant.

These two guys I love with all my heart, and don't think that I could ever not love them. Both of them are aware of the other, but not to the extent that I want to be with them both. I plan on explaining to D the problem that I'm having, because he is actually finally getting his life together after having an extreme wake up call when he realized that I left, and how much he loved me (no I'm not jumping into anything unless he can prove he's changed). I plan on talking to D and reminding him that while we were together my figuring out that a poly relationship was something that I could do, and get his feelings on the subject.

I'm fully aware he might walk away with a big "F U" and then I'll be without him. But I don't think he will.

K, on the other hand, is a complete vanilla. He's not to keen on the idea that I'm bi but lives with it. His family is very Catholic and attached to old German ways. He is very straight, things done in an old fashioned way, and that's it. So I'm really scared to death that if I try and approach him with this situation, he will get pissed and leave (if either of them leave, it will break me). He means everything to me, and I mean everything to him and I don't want to hurt either K or D as I love them both.

So I need some advice on how to approach this subject with him, because I'm at a lost. I mentioned the fact that I'm interested in poly relationships before but that I could try to be monogamous with him and he said ok. He didn't really pay attention to the poly part, because monogamy is really all he knows.
I'm to the point that, if it came down to it, I wouldn't be with either of them and be totally heartbroken just so that I could spare them from being hurt and angry towards me.. and that's not what I want.
Any advice would be great.

As well as if anyone could suggest some good reading materials that I could introduce to them, to explain a little further on what a poly relationship is.
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  #47  
Old 10-04-2010, 02:53 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hew Raw,

Welllllllllllllllllllll............

I can only say that playing around (with yourself) - trying to have your cake and eat it do - is pretty frequently an exercise in frustration and failure.

you have to be 'true' to who you are as much as possible to maintain your own health & happiness. If you are truly bisexual, and truly drawn to multiple loving relationships, then trying to maintain one with someone NOT on this page is going to be difficult.
You would be (potentially) asking them to change who THEY are to satisfy you. Won't happen - or shouldn't at least.

One of the things about opening our hearts to poly loving is that along with that comes the requirement to love and move on in cases where conflict would actually undermine that love.

Does that make any sense ? Hard choices I know, but life is full of those.

GS
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  #48  
Old 10-04-2010, 06:00 PM
rawrdinosaur rawrdinosaur is offline
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I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it to, and I'm sure it does seem like that >_<
I know someone who was telling me about a friend of theirs who is poly and one of their partners is not.
Is it possible to make that work, or is that just asking too much? And has anyone ever brought up the subject of being poly and possibly having a poly relationship with someone who has never known the lifestyle and thus has never had an interest in it?
I'm hoping to not have conflict with this person because I love them so dearly. They mean so much to me. I would hate to lose them.

The thought even crossed my mind of maybe trying to be monogamous with him, but.. Would that just be betraying part of myself?


I'm sorry if it seems jumbled and rambled. If you're not able to tell, this whole situation is just confusing to me and slightly stressful.
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  #49  
Old 10-05-2010, 01:52 AM
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Xeromag's polyamory FAQ is good for explaining poly basics to partners (and ex-wives!). If you're looking for something more in-depth, Mono has mentioned Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits in the Book Recommendations thread here.

Side note: there a forum protocol about embedding links like this?

You may be betraying part of yourself if you try to live a mono relationship; he may be if trying poly. Its hard to know.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
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  #50  
Old 10-05-2010, 03:33 AM
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there are a lot of people that have written on this forum that are mono and a lot that have tried to bring the subject up with loves that are mono. Some of us have succeeded in Mono/poly relationships, such as Mono and I. You could read some of his earlier posts to see what we went through. you could also do a tag search for mono/poly as well.

I think really all that can be done is to keep talking, keep telling them information, encourage them to become interested and to see how they can benefit and be happy and keep realizing that it all takes time, perseverance and a whole lot of patience and love on your part.

The book recommendations thread is a good resource on here. I hope you find what you need. I wouldn't suggest giving them the "ethical slut" just yet, but reading on here might help or reading "love without limits." there are lots of other ones too.
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