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  #11  
Old 07-02-2010, 06:32 PM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Thanks for your post, Sorcha. The disease of alcoholism/addiction ravages many lives in different ways. The magic of it: it also leads people to their higher selves, to an awakening into undreamed of possibilities.

I think many of my relationship decisions were based on the idea that the relationship would complete me or make me well. These are not essentially different. Wellness is wholeness, for me. I didn't think of wholeness and union with God as wellness or sanity until a few years ago. Anyway, I do feel that if we are looking externally for wholeness we are still in process and will still fall short and be hurt along the way. There isn't anything wrong with this, as it is precisely the way we move toward the universe's will for us, which is to be happy, joyous and free. Progress, not perfection.

But if other people are my higher power I am bound to be hurt. Their shortcomings will inevitably disappoint me. It is impossible for me to really see another person if I am using them for something, especially if I am using him or her to make me feel better, to make me feel well or fixed or whole. I have many times known the disappointment of having the real other person emerge from behind my projections and startle me with the reality of who he or she is. These emerging aspects of their true otherness can even be spectacular and wondrous qualities, but since they are not part of my plan or expectation, the disappointment can be profound.

Part of my task now is to make my relationship with my higher power the primary relationship. All other relationships are secondary at best. The ground of my being in the world is my relationship with my higher power. Relationships with friends and lovers then reside on neutral territory, so to speak. These sacred others have a shot at actually showing up in my life as who they are and I am free to express my whole self as well. In this way I reduce the desperation with which I am looking for other people to complete me, fix me, heal me, let me heal or rescue them, etc.

Immaterial
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  #12  
Old 07-03-2010, 09:24 PM
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Yesterday I spent a lot of time recording sound files for a music project some friends and I are doing, inlcuding listening to a fairly obscure Miles Davis piece called Orange Lady several times.

Then I headed out for one of the few redeeming cultural events in my city, an art walk that happens on the first Friday of each month. I was on the train platform and across the way on the platform for trains going the other direction was a fascinating looking woman. Very gypsy looking, very '60s style, hippie. Thin as a rail. I wanted to know her story instantly and mildly lamented that she was going the other way.

She crossed the tracks; turned out she was headed my direction after all. I struck up a conversation with her. Lives in Australia, born and raised in Holland, had just done a Native American retreat and was traveling to Mexico for more shamanic experiences. We ended up doing the art walk together, laughing, talking, as if we were old friends who hadn't seen each other in a while. This has been happening a lot lately.

She got back on the train going north, eventually, to her boyfriend's house. It was not until I was home and reflecting on how much fun I had that I realized she was dressed almost entirely in orange. She even had an orange head scarf. Orange Lady.

Life is strange.

Immaterial
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  #13  
Old 07-04-2010, 12:35 AM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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Default Link to Miles Davis' Orange Lady

http://s0.ilike.com/play#Miles+Davis...0c117a76b5c54a
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  #14  
Old 07-04-2010, 01:06 AM
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It's purdy, ain't it? And somewhat more spooky and meditative than a lot of Miles. I think it's written by Joe Zawinul. The tamboura and berimbau are a great couple of sounds. Some of the chords are wonderful suspensions.

The song reminds me of tripping, actually, especially on psilocybin.

Immaterial
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  #15  
Old 07-04-2010, 06:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clairegoad View Post
Nice! Calming. Like listening to the ocean.
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  #16  
Old 07-04-2010, 07:12 PM
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In typical Miles fashion, this segment follows the very sinister, murky and slightly deranged Great Expectations.

You don't get dessert until you've had the mystery stew!

:-)

Immaterial
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  #17  
Old 07-04-2010, 07:20 PM
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Loneliness. It's definitely up for me now. My separated other and I have been apart for a few months and living alone for almost a month. It seems like not very much time. I think I am coming up against my love addiction. I realize it may be disturbing and annoying to talk about a "love addiction," but I do have some perspective of the shape of it. There is this yearning, whining part of my heart that wants to be in a dyad. It's this part that I have obeyed over and over again in agreeing to monogamous pairing. The whole world seems inaccessible at times without this sharing partnership. It is not precisely the same thing as codependency, as codependency is a broader and more amorphous desire to be defined well by others, to seek identity outside myself.

Love addiction is powerlessness and unmanageability over the heart's need to fall in love, be in love, have that NRE, get that sparking thrill of being loved and admired, imagine a partnership in which both people complete each other, a complementary and blissful union. This too has a completely different feel from sex addiction, of course. I suppose that's why there is actually a program called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

It's a good thing the 12 steps are the same across all of these recovery programs, or I'd have to go to 5 meetings of different groups a day. :-)

The bottom line for me seems to be, if there's a way to look outside myself to manage my feelings and to change my state of consciousness, I'll compulsively try to do it. I remember a guy in Santa Fe who would introduce himself at AA meetings thusly: "Hi, I'm _____, and I'm an everything addict."

Immaterial
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  #18  
Old 07-04-2010, 07:33 PM
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and I've heard in meetings:

"If it feels good, abuse it."
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  #19  
Old 07-05-2010, 07:42 AM
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Hi...I am ___, I am poly and I can't stop at just one!
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  #20  
Old 07-05-2010, 08:19 AM
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That's why they call them...Lays.

Immaterial
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