Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 06-27-2010, 06:15 PM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 621
Default

I knew you'd probably say something like that and I know you're right but it feels like I'm putting a noose around my own neck. The thought of them being physical still hurts and me actually helping that to happen....it's asking a lot!

Then there's the issue of what I'm left with if she is mostly playing with him. Who gets left to mop up the pieces? He's such a sensitive wee flower I don't want to see him hurt. Right now our relationship is amazing and I'm loathe to mess with that.

Thoughtfully

Sage
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 06-28-2010, 03:32 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Don't you find that really sad? Even Z (who is the one who wants the secondary relationship) is very wary of me talking about any of this. I find it really interesting that being honest about ourselves can be such an issue.

Sage
I don't find it sad. I know where she is coming from. In a different life...my past...I wouldn't want my ex wife hanging out with a poly woman or guy. I know the the social background that his wife is from. It represents the bulk of our society and I lived there for 36 years. I get his concern and therefore it has no affect on me personaly but it did limit the depth of relationship we could build as friends. I was happy in what we had.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 06-28-2010, 12:53 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default

MG- If I have read through all the posts correctly then Z is sage's SO, not the secondary. And W is the secondary not sage's SO. Did I get that right Sage?

Two I know it is difficult not to step in and help their relationship. When DH and J have had difficulties communicating it has been very hard not to do what I can. For several reasons. It was going above and beyond in a situation that was already painful and not what I was wanting. But I would rather do it than see either of them in pain. But more importantly it was none of my business. This was their relationship. It was more about letting them workout their own problems than it was the going above and beyond part. I didn't want either of them to feel I was taking sides. So I just let myself be there if either of them neither to vent or talk and then I would go on my way. And that should be enough there.

As for reaching out to W. Offer her someone to talk to but you can't push it. Especially if you are not ready. You need to be honest about how you feel about her. If you are having trouble accepting her that is fine. But let her know in an open and mature way. It is hard to accept the other woman. It is something you don't want to do but as long as she is willing to work with you and take things at your pace and not push you then she is a good find. The point where you feel she is attacking your relationship with Z or pushing your further than you are ready to go or saying hurtful things to or about you then there is something wrong. It could be anyone's fault. But it is about owning to your own feelings. Knowing who you are and feeling confident in what your place is essential and it sounds like you have that.

Have the two of you, being the women in your man's life, ever sat down and talked. Whether it be about the relationships, or just to hang out. It might help.

Let me know what else I can do for you.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 06-28-2010, 06:35 PM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 621
Default Thanks Ak, such kind and wise advice

Yes you're right. Z is the love of my life (sorry but there are very few other places I can be truly honest about the extent of my feelings for him. Sad to say that most people around me have pretty average relationships at best and waxing lyrical makes them want to throw up). W is his secondary.

Yes you're right about not helping their issues, but Z and W don't actually have any issues yet because they haven't got close enough. Z is telling me that I need to give her permission to move further into their relationship. If I do that then I am definitely happy to back off after that and let them sort themselves out.

She is a good one. She's a lovely person but I don't feel love for her in the way you do with J. Maybe that will come. At the moment she is still very guarded. Z says she's a very private person, which is the total opposite of me. You can probably tell from my postings that I let it all hang out. And she tends to be one way with me (or when I'm around)and another with him which I don't find very honest.

But I guess MG is right. If I am truly accepting of Z's poly nature then I should give my blessing. It is very comforting to know that I have friends, even if you are on the other side of the world who understand and can be supportive.

Sage
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 06-29-2010, 12:27 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Yes you're right about not helping their issues, but Z and W don't actually have any issues yet because they haven't got close enough. Z is telling me that I need to give her permission to move further into their relationship. If I do that then I am definitely happy to back off after that and let them sort themselves out.
This here is actually a good thing. She is showing respect as your position in an already established relationship. She wants to give you your space to accept what is happening and give you the time you need. I am not saying take forever doing that. But they know this is painful for you and this respect and lack of pushiness is the foundation of a good relationship for you and W.



Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
She is a good one. She's a lovely person but I don't feel love for her in the way you do with J. Maybe that will come. At the moment she is still very guarded. Z says she's a very private person, which is the total opposite of me. You can probably tell from my postings that I let it all hang out. And she tends to be one way with me (or when I'm around)and another with him which I don't find very honest.
How I feel for J took a very long time to come to that point. I promise it was not always so loving and wonderful. I had points of hate and resentment towards her. But from the sounds of W she is not far from who J is. She is giving you your space and time and waiting for you before taking the go ahead. That is alot of what J did, well DH and J did this after I found out about them. J was actually about ten times more patient with me than DH. J is very private as well. She lurks around here on the boards reading but she doesn't post a whole heck of a lot, although she knows she is more than welcome to and I don't have a problem with it. She and I come from hours and hours of talking, getting together, DH working with us. It wasn't all roses from the get go. There was alot of pain and anger. But she was very patient and understood that this was probably the hardest thing for me. She never made me feel as though I was loosing my place as the wife. She always reminded me she was the one coming into an already established marriage and would give me anything I needed to make me feel comfortable. And this is where we are now. Alot of work later. And things will never be perfect. But things are very wonderful at the moment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
But I guess MG is right. If I am truly accepting of Z's poly nature then I should give my blessing. It is very comforting to know that I have friends, even if you are on the other side of the world who understand and can be supportive.
Its not so much about giving your blessing. You are not going to want to do that right off. It is about working together with these other people in your life. The blessing will come once you are comfortable. The acceptance will come. It is not an over night thing for us monos who did not expect this. It can take months or years. It is about taking the next leap and working through that step for a couple of weeks and then take the next one. You tell your SO, hey I feel good now, why don't we try you doing this and see how I feel. And it is about constantly talking. DH and I just had one of those talks last night. Yes they need your blessing but they also need you. You are essential to this. I have always found "accepting" to be an interesting way of putting it. It is learning to find a new way to live your life if this is what you want. If you have to walk away you are no less of a person. You have to do what is right for you. That doesn't mean you haven't "accepted" this or not given your blessing. It simply means you have a different idea of how you want to live. But if you stay together and learn to be happy then your life will be rich and you will have added someone new and special into it, as long as she continues to treat you with respect and consideration. Once there is a rift there it is time to re evaluate and make sure she is still good for your relationship.

Take your time and don't push yourself further than you are ready. Sounds like W is going along with these thoughts as well since she is waiting for your go ahead. Keep us updated!
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 06-30-2010, 09:14 AM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 621
Default

Well I did it. I emailed W and told her that I now feel that I am able to have the kind of relationship I want with Z without needing the boundaries around her relationship with him that I originally set. (I didn't say it quite like that, but you get the picture).

It took her a couple of days but she got back in touch with Z and told him that she can't take their relationship any further as it would "ruin her equilibrium".

This was one of my fears as I think while he saw me as the only thing limiting their relationship, he had hope for more with her. But at least she's finally put her cards on the table and Z seems fine about it at the moment. He has been fine before but it doesn't seem to last.

Personally I have difficulty understanding how if you love someone you would keep playing with them. She is an intelligent woman and he is a very sexual man (she knows this), so why would she offer him naked massages, cuddle him in her bed and sunbathe naked with him. Surely she can see that she is upsetting his equilibrium?

Sage
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 07-02-2010, 04:07 AM
Morningglory629's Avatar
Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 727
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
MG- If I have read through all the posts correctly then Z is sage's SO, not the secondary. And W is the secondary not sage's SO. Did I get that right Sage?
Thanks for the clarification. I hope it didn't confuse the point I was making.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Well I did it. I emailed W and told her that I now feel that I am able to have the kind of relationship I want with Z without needing the boundaries around her relationship with him that I originally set. (I didn't say it quite like that, but you get the picture).

It took her a couple of days but she got back in touch with Z and told him that she can't take their relationship any further as it would "ruin her equilibrium".

This was one of my fears as I think while he saw me as the only thing limiting their relationship, he had hope for more with her. But at least she's finally put her cards on the table and Z seems fine about it at the moment. He has been fine before but it doesn't seem to last.

Personally I have difficulty understanding how if you love someone you would keep playing with them. She is an intelligent woman and he is a very sexual man (she knows this), so why would she offer him naked massages, cuddle him in her bed and sunbathe naked with him. Surely she can see that she is upsetting his equilibrium?

Sage
Jeez! This must be frustrating! Kind of sounds sort of like Mohegan's situation (sort of). Not really understanding the vagueness and passivity- the "playing" as you say. Maybe she needed the boundaries too and wasn't ready to make the jump into entering a poly relationship. I understand you are questioning her intentions with him and are concerned for his feelings being hurt by this kind of rejection. Anyway, how are the two of you doing with eachother (you and Z) since the lifting of the original boundaries? Are you feeling insecure or more settled?
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 07-02-2010, 05:15 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Jeez! This must be frustrating! Kind of sounds sort of like Mohegan's situation (sort of). Not really understanding the vagueness and passivity- the "playing" as you say.
You're right it really does sound like my situation, in ways.

Sage- what has really helped us is talking. We seem to be having a deep conversation about something every night. Either individual realizations, issues to work out, things we need help with, answers to earlier questions, just filling eachother in on the day and how we felt about it.

It's been really helpful. Last night for example, while writing my blog on here I was finaly able to realize my issues with them sleeping together. He and I talked about it and I was able to "I know there isn't a lot of validation for it, but this is what I'm feeling" and it led to a lot of talking, reaffirmation, and moving forward.

Another thing that was helpful, and I know it is controversial on here, but a few days ago we set up a list of rules. Some are for us and how we communicate issues with our secondaries and some were for what we expect out of relationships in general. It was nice. It was something I didn't think we needed, but at the insistance of a friend we gave it a try and I feel a lot better now.

As for her "games" that is where we are similar. I feel my DH's G/f is young and unsure of what she wants currently. Nothing wrong with that, she's 19. But her confusion/experimentation, comes across as someone just looking for attention, not someone invested in the same way as DH is. But the 3 of us are learning together.

It's discussed all of on here, but my best advice is communicate. When I started expressing the things I thought would upset him, or hadn't really figured out myself, but was at least able to say "hey heres where my head is at the moment". I was pleasantly surprised to find he was more than willing to help me work through things and give me the answers I was seeking. We've had some hard talks, saying things that we knew would be hard for the other to hear, but needed said. We've made the most progress when we've been able to do that.

Best of luck to you!
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 07-02-2010, 06:20 AM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 621
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Anyway, how are the two of you doing with eachother (you and Z) since the lifting of the original boundaries? Are you feeling insecure or more settled?
We are doing really well. I've come to see this whole experience as actively growing our love.

As far as W is concerned I am still a bit "unresolved", can't think of another way to describe it. I'm going to read Mohegan's story, maybe that will give me some clarity. Off the top of my head it's like their relationship is giving them each what they need, but those needs are different. I understand what Z needs are but I am very much at a loss about W.

Maybe I need to find out but we are very different people. I am upfront and love to communicate while I find her very private and guarded. When we get together I find it quite bizarre; she befriends me as if Z is almost non-existent. I have to be the one to keep encouraging her to be close with us or even him.

I email her my feelings because the written word is my preferred method of communication and she totally ignores me but goes to Z because she thinks I should call her and arrange a time to talk with her. I find talking about emotional things really difficult because I usually end up talking through my tears.

In many ways we are still at a stale mate.

Tears


Sage
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 07-03-2010, 09:07 PM
sage's Avatar
sage sage is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 621
Question Where do you guys find the time?

This is not a glib question it is totally genuine. Most mono couples find it hard to find quality time for one relationship on top of work and family commitments. I am really interested in how you polys manage multiple relationships?

And its not just the physical time you're with someone, that seems to be just the tip of the ice berg. There's all the emotional/relationship stuff that gets thrown up as a result of the physical time together.

For the sake of my relationship with Z I'm going to have to start putting time into my relationship with his other (W). Things are getting a bit awkward there. Imagine if I had someone else, it would definitely impinge on our primary relationship because our quality time together would be so limited. I work long hours and he has his kids here every other weekend and school holidays (vacations). Z won't have any poly activity when his kids are here as he thinks his ex would stop them coming because of his dubious lifestyle.

Maybe it's more difficult coming to this kind of lifestyle in your forties when your lives are already constructed?

Thoughts please.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:14 AM.