Mixed Signals--I don't know if I should broach the subject directly...
Hi there, I'm Soul.
As honesty has always been the absolute backbone of my current relationship, I hate feeling like I'm hiding something when my thoughts turn to polyamory. She and I have been together for a good three years now and although we have done our fair share of experimenting as a couple (sexually interacting with men together), it's more always been more of a toy to play with than anything more.
But whenever the subject of polyamory is ever brought up, I always get very mixed signals.
Before I go forward, I must say that she and I have been working on a novel for almost seven years now which is where most of the discussions originate from.
"Well, maybe there is a reason we made them like that," she said when referring to the fact that almost all of our characters are involved in a triad.
"I love you, you are the only one for me, I don't want anyone else..." when lying in bed at night.
"She's stupid, why doesn't she just date both of them and they all can have a happy love triangle--the baby would have THREE parents--that's better than two!" after watching a special on TV about love triangles.
"When we have children, I'm just concerned about the donor. I don't want him to think he can just barge in. We will be the parents, not him, you know? I'm just scared he's going to try to be a bigger part of the child's life than we want."
"You know, Nathan was only jealous at first of Moriah and Vaughan's relationship because he felt like he didn't belong or they didn't love him as much. But after Moriah freaked out and cried over Nathan cheating on her, he realized that she loves him just as much as Vaughan and Vaughan loves him just as much as her, so he no longer feels upset and doesn't feel the need to cheat anymore." This triad ended up raising a good at least eight kids together.
Honestly, I would like a relationship much like "Moriah, Vaughan, and Nathan's". Where they are an exclusive triad that raised quite a few babies together. I'm the product of a single-mom only-child household, so family is really important to me, and I want our children to have the maximum amount of love.
I know she's mentioned other people should just be in triads, and that there might be a reason for us creating all these triads in our stories, but I just don't know if she'd really want that for US.
The other day she said to me in the car, "When do you want to start having kids? I was thinking about a year from now. Since we'll be able to afford it."
But I just don't know how to tell her I'm not just waiting solely for the financial stability of my new job but I'm also waiting to see if we might could find a suitable father for our children.
Wow, thanks so much if you've made it down here!
I'd appreciate any input as this is a great stressor in my life right now.
|coming out, coming out poly, communication, dating, disclosure, help sought, ldr, long distance love, new and confused, new to poly|