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Old 07-02-2010, 07:57 AM
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Question Mixed Signals--I don't know if I should broach the subject directly...

Hi there, I'm Soul.

As honesty has always been the absolute backbone of my current relationship, I hate feeling like I'm hiding something when my thoughts turn to polyamory. She and I have been together for a good three years now and although we have done our fair share of experimenting as a couple (sexually interacting with men together), it's more always been more of a toy to play with than anything more.

But whenever the subject of polyamory is ever brought up, I always get very mixed signals.

Before I go forward, I must say that she and I have been working on a novel for almost seven years now which is where most of the discussions originate from.

Examples:

"Well, maybe there is a reason we made them like that," she said when referring to the fact that almost all of our characters are involved in a triad.

"I love you, you are the only one for me, I don't want anyone else..." when lying in bed at night.

"She's stupid, why doesn't she just date both of them and they all can have a happy love triangle--the baby would have THREE parents--that's better than two!" after watching a special on TV about love triangles.

"When we have children, I'm just concerned about the donor. I don't want him to think he can just barge in. We will be the parents, not him, you know? I'm just scared he's going to try to be a bigger part of the child's life than we want."

"You know, Nathan was only jealous at first of Moriah and Vaughan's relationship because he felt like he didn't belong or they didn't love him as much. But after Moriah freaked out and cried over Nathan cheating on her, he realized that she loves him just as much as Vaughan and Vaughan loves him just as much as her, so he no longer feels upset and doesn't feel the need to cheat anymore." This triad ended up raising a good at least eight kids together.

Honestly, I would like a relationship much like "Moriah, Vaughan, and Nathan's". Where they are an exclusive triad that raised quite a few babies together. I'm the product of a single-mom only-child household, so family is really important to me, and I want our children to have the maximum amount of love.

I know she's mentioned other people should just be in triads, and that there might be a reason for us creating all these triads in our stories, but I just don't know if she'd really want that for US.

The other day she said to me in the car, "When do you want to start having kids? I was thinking about a year from now. Since we'll be able to afford it."

But I just don't know how to tell her I'm not just waiting solely for the financial stability of my new job but I'm also waiting to see if we might could find a suitable father for our children.

Wow, thanks so much if you've made it down here!

I'd appreciate any input as this is a great stressor in my life right now.
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Old 07-02-2010, 05:21 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I'm always a fan of simply asking.

The best way to find out what somebody thinks about any given topic is to ask them about it.

It doesn't have to be any Big, Serious Talk (tm)--I'd treat it like any other discussion (like, say, asking about what kind of car you want to buy next). Just ask "Hey, have you ever thought about us having a poly relationship with other people?"
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Old 07-02-2010, 06:17 PM
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I must agree... just ask! And let her know how you feel and what you desire.
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Old 07-03-2010, 02:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
It doesn't have to be any Big, Serious Talk (tm)--I'd treat it like any other discussion (like, say, asking about what kind of car you want to buy next). Just ask "Hey, have you ever thought about us having a poly relationship with other people?"
Yea, that's true. It's just after three years of being together, it's hard to simply bring it up... but I'll try.
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Old 07-04-2010, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by eternalsoul View Post
Yea, that's true. It's just after three years of being together, it's hard to simply bring it up... but I'll try.
After three years of being together should you not be able to bring anything up?! With a statement like that it could be you might have some communication issues to work out for starters.

What do you mean when you say you wonder about a donor for your baby... are either of you incapable of creating a child? confused.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here with the baby. Seriously, just work on the relationship part. If you think that the guys you have invited into your bedroom are just fuck toys, you have a long way to go.

Do a whole lot of reading on here and elsewhere, suggest you do some reading together, offer her some links and start talking about it... just start... tell her, "hey, I found this forum on line about polyamory, I'll send you the link. It's pretty interesting." See what happens with that.
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Old 07-04-2010, 09:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
After three years of being together should you not be able to bring anything up?! With a statement like that it could be you might have some communication issues to work out for starters.

What do you mean when you say you wonder about a donor for your baby... are either of you incapable of creating a child? confused.

I think you are jumping the gun a bit here with the baby. Seriously, just work on the relationship part. If you think that the guys you have invited into your bedroom are just fuck toys, you have a long way to go.

Do a whole lot of reading on here and elsewhere, suggest you do some reading together, offer her some links and start talking about it... just start... tell her, "hey, I found this forum on line about polyamory, I'll send you the link. It's pretty interesting." See what happens with that.
Thanks, that was only mildly offensive. My communication skills are pretty great actually, but I guess me wanting to spare my girlfriend's feelings and risk doing harm to my relationship of three years is just retarded because I mean, being in a relationship for three years obviously means that I should just flat out tell my girlfriend that I want to bring a man into our relationship and shift the whole dynamic. It's not like it's a life changing decision or anything considering I am not just looking to date around--I'm looking for a family down the road.

Well, I guess I didn't make it clear enough but yea, I guess my girlfriend and I have some problems creating a baby. Probably mostly because we only produce the XX chromosomes. We only produce eggs. We are both female. We are a lesbian couple.

Our relationship is perfect how it is right now and I know she's happy with it. Although I want to share this relationship with someone else for more support, more affection, more intense sex, and because I personally feel it's best for a child to have more than one or two parents, doesn't mean that she feels the same way and I'm afraid that bringing it up could possibly cause issues that and I'm honestly a little scared to rock the boat in such a great relationship.

But thanks. I appologize if I sound a little annoyed, but yea, it's a little offensive for you to accuse anyone of--even after being in a relationship or married for twenty years--of being able to bring up the subject of bringing a stranger into your relationship.

That's only kind of a big deal.

I said that our past sexual relationships with others has just been sex. Obviously. That's kind of how threesomes start and end. So I don't understand what you mean, but alright.

I think it's kind of silly but ah well good night.
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Old 07-04-2010, 12:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eternalsoul View Post
Thanks, that was only mildly offensive. My communication skills are pretty great actually, but I guess me wanting to spare my girlfriend's feelings and risk doing harm to my relationship of three years is just retarded because I mean, being in a relationship for three years obviously means that I should just flat out tell my girlfriend that I want to bring a man into our relationship and shift the whole dynamic. It's not like it's a life changing decision or anything considering I am not just looking to date around--I'm looking for a family down the road.

Well, I guess I didn't make it clear enough but yea, I guess my girlfriend and I have some problems creating a baby. Probably mostly because we only produce the XX chromosomes. We only produce eggs. We are both female. We are a lesbian couple.

Our relationship is perfect how it is right now and I know she's happy with it. Although I want to share this relationship with someone else for more support, more affection, more intense sex, and because I personally feel it's best for a child to have more than one or two parents, doesn't mean that she feels the same way and I'm afraid that bringing it up could possibly cause issues that and I'm honestly a little scared to rock the boat in such a great relationship.

But thanks. I appologize if I sound a little annoyed, but yea, it's a little offensive for you to accuse anyone of--even after being in a relationship or married for twenty years--of being able to bring up the subject of bringing a stranger into your relationship.

That's only kind of a big deal.

I said that our past sexual relationships with others has just been sex. Obviously. That's kind of how threesomes start and end. So I don't understand what you mean, but alright.

I think it's kind of silly but ah well good night.
One limit of bulletin boards is that it is hard to see sarcasm without a smiley. (okay, any hint... that this was sarcastic) I hope the first paragraph was sarcastic.

The biggest blunders in my life have been times when I thought I was communicating- and found out I wasn't. OR when I thought I was understanding, but I wasn't. Most people think they are great communicators. Have you ever met anyone who admitted they were a poor communicator? or even an average communicator?

Poly challenges each person to be a better communicator: on every level, in every relationship.

I, too, did not see anything in the original post that would make me think "lesbian couple." True, it's not fair that we default to the more common MF couple when reading a new member's post. Life isn't fair.
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Old 07-04-2010, 12:37 PM
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From eternalsoul's earlier post: "I said that our past sexual relationships with others has just been sex. Obviously. That's kind of how threesomes start and end. So I don't understand what you mean, but alright. "

Actually, poly threesomes seem to be really great friendships, that evolve into mutual sexual attraction. The friendship portion is, rather important. Really, how much time can you spend in bed? There's a lot of time left for talking, cooking, watching movies, swimming, playing on the beach, etc. --non-sexual activities.

Okay, maybe they don't start that way, but the friendship/relationship is the difference between Poly and a one night stand/swinging.
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Old 07-04-2010, 05:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clairegoad View Post
Actually, poly threesomes seem to be really great friendships, that evolve into mutual sexual attraction. The friendship portion is, rather important. Really, how much time can you spend in bed? There's a lot of time left for talking, cooking, watching movies, swimming, playing on the beach, etc. --non-sexual activities.

Okay, maybe they don't start that way, but the friendship/relationship is the difference between Poly and a one night stand/swinging.
agreed Claire, poly relationships are not about boy toys... or sperm donors for that matter. It might take a bit to get into the swing of relating to a man if the two of you are women. It might be worth investigating what it is you actually want from a man. Maybe starting at a snails pace and not thinking about the destination would be more appropriate. After all, men ( and anyone for that matter) have their own lives to consider... they are going to have their own needs in a relationship with the two of you, rather than being the object of your desire.

When I first came out as non-monogamous about 15 years ago (I didn't know the term poly, I only knew that about 5 years ago), I was identifying as a lesbian for 10 years by then and had a wife of 5 years. We always thought that we would have other female lovers, but I fell for a friend of ours. Nerdist. My wife tried her darnedest to bring him into our lives and be a part of his sexually, but she could not. She is a lesbian and monogamous. It broke us up in the end and I married, and had a child with Nerdist.

I think I know a little of what you are talking about and the delicate nature of suggesting bringing a man into a relationship... and being in his life. I can tell you, the whole dynamic changes entirely when men are involved... the energy is completely different... my hormones changed entirely. My body changed to merge with his energy. It was a complete 180 turn in my life when nerdist and I got together.

I lost my friends, my community, my wife (I still love her dearly), my sense of self recognition in terms of my body and identity. I am completely different now. I am a better me, but I miss the women's community and all that went with it. If I could merge the two I would, but that, for some reason, is unacceptable in the lesbian community and I just sit on the outside and be sad.

Again, this warrants a lot of educating I think and not only checking in with your partner very delicately (I can see why you would hesitate now, thanks for more info) but also doing some soul searching as to what this may come to for you and her... will you be okay with buying donor sperm on line? or do you really want to include a daddy in that way..? would it be better to find a friend? my friends have included gay men who want to be daddies in their lives.. sperm and all, but no sex. what are you options?

Good luck, you have a lot to think about.

One last thing, please refrain from using derogatory terms such as "retarded" on this forum. Words such as this are unacceptable as they are demeaning and phobic towards people with cognitive and developmental disabilities.

I will get my buddy with down syndrome on you... he is a force to be reckoned with. He doesn't take to that kind of shit talk.

Oh ya---- happy pride, I'm off to our pride parade and celebration!!! woot woot.
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Old 07-05-2010, 01:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eternalsoul View Post
Our relationship is perfect how it is right now and I know she's happy with it. Although I want to share this relationship with someone else for more support, more affection, more intense sex, and because I personally feel it's best for a child to have more than one or two parents, doesn't mean that she feels the same way and I'm afraid that bringing it up could possibly cause issues that and I'm honestly a little scared to rock the boat in such a great relationship.
In the context of the often referred refrigerator example, right now when the relationship is going well might be a good time to rock the boat, rather than some other time when things aren't going so well and the boat is in danger of capsizing all on it's own. Yes, it has it's risks...but if your relationship is strong enough to venture into poly, then you should be able to talk about it with her.

I'm curious if you echo the same mixed signals with her? When you talk about the novel, do you have the same sentiments about the characters involved in their triads? When you talk to her about your relationship, do you use the conventional monogamous scripts that everyone is used to? (ie: "I only have eyes for you", "I don't need anyone else") Is it possible she's scared to ask you the same questions about having other people involved with the two of you?

There is the often used mantra of communication in poly...we really can't know the answers for sure, until we ask. However, I'd also suggest that you be patient. Even if she is agreeable, it might take time to find a suitable partner, and develop a stable relationship with them. Particularly if you're talking about making kids and a family, that is a big deal...it needn't be rushed.
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