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  #1  
Old 07-02-2010, 01:41 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Question Feedback please! Can you convert back to being mono after discovering you are poly?

So, an online friend proposed that poly works (he does not identify himself as poly), if it is “done well”. Well, I think I can safely say that I have “done it” quite poorly (we are about 4 months in).

There have been flags along the way, that I have not given the attention they deserve. And please do not jump on me for that, I admitted it remember? That's the past and none of us can change it.

Where we are now is that I have been dating as has dh, though it has looked very different:

I started out with one partner, and that has grown to another and a potential. I recognize that things moved way too fast. I didn't plan it that way; my mistake was naivete and my own insecurities (in not believing that I would be desirable to others).

Dh has been seeing a woman who is not poly, and not really comfortable with poly. She seems to operate as if she wishes I would somehow miraculously go away ;-). Well, her questioning of the poly lifestyle has only deepened dh's negative feelings toward it.

It is hard to boil this all down. I'll probably leave out important details, but just ask...

He came home from a date last week and told me that they had “fooled around” (this, as it turns out, is a lie). I responded positively, although I did admit that I had to grapple with my own insecurities, which I did gladly.

It was at that moment that dh recognized that our fundamental problem is that I am poly and he is mono.

He doesn't want me to date other men, but recognizes that this is true to who I am. The analogy he and his best friend came up with is similar to the process of coming out as gay (this man is gay). One can choose to hide who he/she is, but it would be just that, a major deception.

So, what dh and I laid out today is that I'm poly, he's mono, neither one of us has any desires or plans to leave the other (if you only knew how much we adore each other!), and obvee we have trust issues that need to be addressed.

So, now what? Can I just “go back” to being mono? Regardless, I know that I need to put things on hold with my secondaries, but damn if that's not hard on many levels...

I could really use advice and support right now. Ask for any necessary clarification.
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Old 07-02-2010, 02:18 AM
immaterial immaterial is offline
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Poly people can be successfully monogamous, as polyamory is not non-monogamy. It seems interesting to me, however, that loving many but being sexually focused on only one can be done. I have never been able to do that. Of course, I am an admitted non-monogamist, however.

This is a bit garbled. What I mean is: you don't have to "go back" to being mono if you are polyamorous. You can be polyamorous and mono. Does that make sense? I guess you could even recognize you are non-monogamous and just choose not to act on it. I haven't had much success with that, however.

Immaterial
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  #3  
Old 07-02-2010, 02:55 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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I would think, it depends where you are at, as a person.

Life Ebbs and flows. Sometimes we feel more social, sometimes we hermit. Sometime we feel more active, sometimes lazier.

Same goes for sexual prowness, or how 'poly' we feel at that particular time.


If you are feeling like you could easily gravitate to having focus on your husband solely, and you feel happy with that, then yes, you could possibly enter a state of monogamy. For however long it works for you both.

On the other hand, if you are feeling more poly/love, or truly caring for people in more then one place....it will prove to be more difficult.


The biggest question, would be asking yourself if you are doing this because you want to, or to appease others. Also, to make sure you won`t have regrets later.

Might be best to 'take a break' and revisit it later on.
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Old 07-02-2010, 12:38 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
I would think, it depends where you are at, as a person

If you are feeling like you could easily gravitate to having focus on your husband solely, and you feel happy with that, then yes, you could possibly enter a state of monogamy. For however long it works for you both.

On the other hand, if you are feeling more poly/love, or truly caring for people in more then one place....it will prove to be more difficult.

The biggest question, would be asking yourself if you are doing this because you want to, or to appease others. Also, to make sure you won`t have regrets later.

Might be best to 'take a break' and revisit it later on.
Let me clarify--I am most definitely in full-on poly mode. Were I to choose to "go back" to being mono, it would be a major sacrifice for me. One I am willing to make, but I would have to work really hard not to resent him.

I would be doing this to please him and to honor his wishes. Again, this is not out of the ordinary for me, but this would be the first time that I can think of that it has felt like a major sacrifice to me; and I do mean major.

As for taking a break, how does one do that irt secondaries? One has already told me that he will wait, the other does not yet know. The potential knows just the bit I felt comfortable sharing over email. He is in a long-time open marriage, and has exchanged several emails with dh, so has a really good grip on where he is at.

The problem is, he/they could wait for a long time only to have it never happen. Do I just recognize this as their choice? I don't know. My stomach is in knots...

Christie
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Old 07-02-2010, 07:57 PM
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I totally sympathize. I was the one who made the push for poly in my marriage, and I knew for years that I was poly but tried to push it aside because my husband wasn't comfortable with it. I don't know if it's possible to make that shift back to mono, but I do know that if I would have continued trying to repress that part of myself in my marriage, we would have ended up divorced. There is no doubt in my mind. I told myself I was "willing" to make the sacrifice, but sometimes "willingness" to sacrifice something is not enough to mediate the damage that sacrifice does to you and your relationship.

When we finally did open things up, I made it pretty clear to my husband that this was not a "trial period" that he could change his mind about. I will do everything possible to help him through periods of insecurity he might have, but that does *not* include suspending or ending my other relationship. He knows that if he couldn't handle poly anymore we would be done, not because I would be choosing my boyfriend over him, but because I couldn't possibly go back to monogamy and make our marriage work.

You *can* make it work with one of you poly and the other mono. My husband isn't entirely sure yet where he falls on that spectrum, but he knows that I will remain poly no matter what he ultimately decides is right for him with regard to other relationships. At some point, I think it becomes a question not so much of whether you're *willing* to live monogamously, but whether you really *can* have a relationship that is healthy for you under those circumstances.

Good luck working things out!
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Old 07-02-2010, 08:51 PM
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Default Reading between the lines

Are you considering a mono lifestyle because of this woman your husband has been seeing? It sounds as if he has the potential of a mono relationship elsewhere and that is why you are considering the change.

A poly trying to be mono is a very difficult thing. Here is a possible (probable) outcome of that. His potential goes away, you cut contact with your secondaries. You make each other miserable trying to be what you're not and either split or you go back to being poly with him a mono husband.

You say you adore each other. If you read some of the blogs of mono/poly relationships eg the Blog of the Mono Wife, Kat Tails you will get some idea of how hard it is for these relationships to work. I hate saying if I were you but I'm going to anyway...If I were you I would stick to who you are while you both have alternate supports and options. Love him enough to let him go then if he comes back to you and is prepared to be the mono to your poly he will be doing it of his own free will because of his depth of love.


Sage
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Old 07-03-2010, 01:33 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Quote:
Are you considering a mono lifestyle because of this woman your husband has been seeing? It sounds as if he has the potential of a mono relationship elsewhere and that is why you are considering the change.
No, sorry! He's not that interested in her. He admits that he would be were it not for me, but he is very much of the "either/or" mindset and if it is one of us, it is me, no question. I think *she* would be happy in many ways for me to disappear, b/c she would like to pursue a mono relationship with him. Not gonna happen.

Quote:
A poly trying to be mono is a very difficult thing. Here is a possible (probable) outcome of that. His potential goes away, you cut contact with your secondaries. You make each other miserable trying to be what you're not and either split or you go back to being poly with him a mono husband.
<sigh> Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. But forcing being poly (because even though it is *I* who is poly, it still affects him of course) on him doesn't feel right either. I've thought more than once that life would be a lot simpler if I hadn't met my bf, but then I remember that I love him too!

Quote:
You say you adore each other. If you read some of the blogs of mono/poly relationships eg the Blog of the Mono Wife, Kat Tails you will get some idea of how hard it is for these relationships to work. I hate saying if I were you but I'm going to anyway...If I were you I would stick to who you are while you both have alternate supports and options. Love him enough to let him go then if he comes back to you and is prepared to be the mono to your poly he will be doing it of his own free will because of his depth of love.
I have not heard of these blogs but will look them up. I'm not considering letting him go, he means too much to me and we have a family together (I mean ultimately this is a possibility, it always is, but it is not one on the forefront. We have a really strong foundation, thankfully).

I wish you all could know us, and know how much he has tried to think outside of his box through all of this. Like I keep telling people, you don't lose a man like him, you don't lose a relationship like ours. He is willing to work, as am I. No one is waving any white flags. In fact, he's been miserable all day, because he thinks he messed things up for my other partner(s) and I. Can you see why I don't feel this is hopeless? He clearly has empathy for how the other guys and I feel...

He is understandably resistant to going to couple's counseling, after the last one painted me out to be a bully and him a wuss. She actually asked me "if A is so great, then why do you need R?" I requested that at a minimum, she read a wikipedia page on poly for crying out loud. I found one who is poly-friendly, but of course she doesn't take our insurance <sigh>.

Thanks for your questions and thoughts!

If I may ask for clarification, it has seemed to me from a few other threads that the consensus is that the poly person has to defer to the mono one. I'm over-simplifying, but I know I've seen it written several times that the poly person should move slow, so as to ease things for the mono one. So, I'm wondering how this all fits. I hope that made sense, my kids are providing distractions.
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Old 07-03-2010, 02:17 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
If you read some of the blogs of mono/poly relationships eg the Blog of the Mono Wife, Kat Tails you will get some idea of how hard it is for these relationships to work.

Sage
Sage, I am not able to find these blogs via a google search. Do you have the links that you could share?

Thanks!!!!

Christie
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Old 07-03-2010, 02:46 PM
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Hi Christie

You're looking too far afield. They are part of this forum under the blogs and life stories section. I have one there too.

I didn't realise you have a family. That makes things quite different. You have much more reason to hold it together. AK (The blog of the Mono Wife) seems in a good space at the moment so she could give you both some motivation. I have my ups and downs and right now I'm on a bit of a downer so I'm probably not the right person for you to be talking to.

It seems like whichever one of you goes against what you naturally are (mono or poly) will have a hard road. Compromise does help ie I go with as much poly as I can stand and Z goes with as little. But then I have these down periods with the whole thing and he is probably always feeling a bit frustrated.

If he can work with you remaining poly get him to register here so that he will have some support. It is a very lonely thing for a mono because often no one in your life understands what you're going through.

Sage
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Old 07-04-2010, 07:45 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Although Katails blog in the "life stories and blogs" section is a good one and well worth a read, I suggest that you do a search (in the search engine on the blue tool bar above) for mono/poly, mono poly, mono, any combination of such, as there are a lot of other options that are much more about the process of it working... Katails blog is about it not working all that well and I fear you will think this to be the case also.. not true, we are getting along just fine and dandy with our lives and loves.... a few boundaries set up, a whole lot of patience and time and we are doing well! You could too perhaps?

I'm not sure I understand why, just because he has discovered he is mono, that now you have to be.... Why can you not continue with the secondaries you have found, put a cap on it at them for now and see where it goes... there is no rush is there in making this all work? You have made an effort with the two men you have chosen as secondaries, your husband has been fine so far, why not continue on and your husband not date anyone again....
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