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  #1  
Old 06-30-2010, 10:08 PM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Default Change is in the air....

Okay, I have a few key things that I need to talk about.
It's been awhile since I have been on this sight....I needed to take a break for a little bit and try and figure myself out...ya know...
Which has brought on a whole new variety of feelings and emotions. So here is the thing...I WANT to accept my boyfriends need to be poly because I WANT to be okay with it...and a huge part of me wants to be with him. So I made the decision to let go of a boundary and be okay with him talking to #2 on the phone ( read through my other posts and im sure you will understand). I thought that by doing this it would show him that i want to accept him and give him reassurance, ya know?
Here is the thing...since they have started speaking on the phone I have found myself less interested in him....? Is this normal? Like why try anymore since he has this other love interest...?
Then Im starting to toss around the idea of being poly myself....then I thought to myself would i be looking for another partner because i am not getting all that i need from my primary...and the answer to that question is yes. So I quickly said well that isnt the right way to do things....
Is this normal...I am so confused I want to be with him...and then at the same time i dont...it is like im numb and dont really care anymore....and if Im with someone shouldnt I care if they are with another person that isnt me....? What does it mean if I dont care? Does that mean I dont care about him? What does it mean...when Im not around him and I kind of forget about him and this whole thing....? I am starting to loose feeling for him...and Im not sure if its a phase or if its because of the whole poly thing....or both.... i have no clue...Im so lost...i cannot say anything for sure because I have no idea who the heck I am....
also i feel as if now that he is talking to her there is a whole other part of him that i am not involved with...like a whole other life...and i do not like that at all....
help....guidance.... support....
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  #2  
Old 06-30-2010, 10:26 PM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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Default You're in the right place.

Because you need to know who you are and what you want first.

and you'll find that by talking. And we're good at listening.. and asking questions.

Read some more. You are not alone.
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  #3  
Old 06-30-2010, 10:56 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
I WANT to accept my boyfriends need to be poly because I WANT to be okay with it...and a huge part of me wants to be with him. So I made the decision to let go of a boundary and be okay with him talking to #2 on the phone ( read through my other posts and im sure you will understand). I thought that by doing this it would show him that i want to accept him and give him reassurance, ya know?
Here is the thing...since they have started speaking on the phone I have found myself less interested in him....? Is this normal? Like why try anymore since he has this other love interest...?
First things first. Discard of the word normal. It will make your life a lot better. There is no normal.

Not everyone can be polyified. You may be able to intellectualize poly but really can't perform in a relationship where someone is poly.

Quote:
Then Im starting to toss around the idea of being poly myself....then I thought to myself would i be looking for another partner because i am not getting all that i need from my primary...and the answer to that question is yes. So I quickly said well that isnt the right way to do things....
Awesome, insightful and ... well just great. Understanding is very good.

Quote:
Is this normal...I am so confused I want to be with him...and then at the same time i dont...it is like im numb and dont really care anymore....and if Im with someone shouldnt I care if they are with another person that isnt me....? What does it mean if I dont care? Does that mean I dont care about him? What does it mean...when Im not around him and I kind of forget about him and this whole thing....? I am starting to loose feeling for him...and Im not sure if its a phase or if its because of the whole poly thing....or both.... i have no clue...Im so lost...i cannot say anything for sure because I have no idea who the heck I am....
Are you taking his interest in other people as a disinterest in you, thereby causing you to protect yourself by creating a disinterest in him?

ummm...and of course this could simply be a turning point in your relationship. I haven't found my wife the most interesting person on the planet the entire time I have been with her. There have been ebbs, flows and otherwise "meh" moments in 10 years. It happens. Being in a relationship isn't always puppies, kittens, butterflies and...shit something else cute...

Quote:
also i feel as if now that he is talking to her there is a whole other part of him that i am not involved with...like a whole other life...and i do not like that at all....
help....guidance.... support....
ummmm...well there is. In a V situation where the two legs aren't part of the common relationship and the hinge keeps them seperate, there will be that feeling. Unless he includes you somehow, or you become her friend etc. You are outside of the relationship. So that is "normal" I would think

Ari
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  #4  
Old 06-30-2010, 11:35 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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The pendulum might swing both ways, before it lands in the middle.

Your body/brain/mind/spirit whatever, has most likely gone into 'protective' mode. So you feel less interested in him for now. Over time, if the two of them prove they aren`t around to push you to the side,.. ' Your inner-self' will stop seeing this new person as a threat. Odds are you will relax, and realize that you haven`t lost him,...

You need to read more on this site : http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html


Even if you know that site, and have read it before, read it again. I think it`ll help you more initially, then advice on this forum. This forum works good, if you can take the advice and apply it to the standards you have read elsewhere.


Good luck.
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  #5  
Old 07-01-2010, 12:56 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
I am starting to loose feeling for him...and Im not sure if its a phase or if its because of the whole poly thing....or both.... i have no clue...Im so lost...i cannot say anything for sure because I have no idea who the heck I am....
Losing feeling for some one happens in all types of relationships. It's what you do if the feeling continues which is important.
When I lost feeling for my ex wife (as a lover, not as a human as I still love her dearly as a person) I kept it to myself because I too didn't understand what was happening. Add this to a total lack of connection with myself and a twisted sense of the role sexuality played in my life and I made mistake after mistake. I had an affair and when that didn't seem to affect change I continued to make mistakes until I was finally outed from my family. If I had of been up front and understood what was happening, I may have been able to avoid hurting a lot of people and scarring my self.

Stay true to your heart.
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  #6  
Old 07-01-2010, 06:54 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Talk to him in an open, frank, unaccusing manner about what you are feeling. Ask for reassurances. Use 'I' statements instead of 'you' statements. (I feel this way, not You make me feel this way.)

Feeling like a non-part of his life could mean that things are headed in a direction where the two of you part, but it could just mean that some changes need to happen in order for things to continue on in a better way.

In the mean while do some introspection and see if you can figure out what is causing you to feel the way you do. Is it some need being unmet or something else? Do you feel he loves her more than you? Is it something else, or more things, entirely?

Having fears & insecurities is par for the course. We just need to learn how to recognize them and deal with them in a constructive, rather than destructive, way.
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