Touch

[SayYes]

Do you mean within each relationship, or more like scenarios when everyone is in the same room?

My boyfriend and I are the kind of couple that's really physically affectionate out in public and whatnot. We're always holding hands, standing around with our arms around each other, etc. My husband and I tend to be more the snuggle on the couch at home type, without as much of the touchy-feely when we're out in the world, though I've noticed myself being a lot more affectionate with him at those times lately, too.

When we're all hanging out together, I'm not cuddly with either of them. I would love to someday be able to all curl up on the couch together, but we're just not there yet and that's okay. They've certainly both seen me hug and quick-peck the other, but that's about it.

As for their physical touchiness with other people, I know my boyfriend is snuggly with friends when I'm not around, and that's just fine by me. My husband isn't so much the type who would be cuddly with anyone he wasn't dating, and at the moment he isn't seeing anyone. But it wouldn't bother me if he did have other people in his life he was affectionate with. We have some mutual friends who we both pile on the couch with, and it doesn't bother me at all to see him cuddle with a close girl friend of ours.

[Ariakas]

Pengrah has no problems with my touching. I am a touchy person and enjoy snuggling with people I care for. I don't walk around looking for cuddle parties but if it feels right, there is never a problem whether it be with friend or lover.

PEngrah is...grabby which I think freaks more people out than my snuggling. Picked up many bad habits working in a kitchen. hahaha

When we had a partner collectively, we would all snuggle, or individually, kind of depended on the room itself. ummm thats usually how other things started

Is this more what you are thinking RP?

[solarwindsfly]

I am very open to many about my background. In responce to this I say it varies. I was molested as a child and went through a rough time. I remember wanting to be hugged and held and being afraid of it too. It has affected me a lot in relationships. I say this because I know I am not the only one. I think for me a poly relationship has translated into safety for me. If I do not want to be touched I have my own room and can go there and not be touched or intimate for long periods of time. Other times however I will want this and my partners for the most part understand. Sex is another thing I struggle with. THere are certain things that I will not do at all. I also like that we have a word that indicates I need to stop. I consider this "special needs" like others have hearing issues or crutches. The poly lifestyle has given me the space and the sanctuary to explore and to heal safely. I am trusting more each day and hopefully in time I will have a better view of myself and those things like touch and sex.

[redpepper]

Again, thanks for all the replies. I don't have any particular hang ups with this one. I just find it interesting in the context of poly relationships.

I have a very touchy nature. When I met LR and Maca from the forum this spring the first thing I did was run into maca's arms and then LR's (I hope they were okay with that). I wear my heart on my sleeve always. I can't help it. I am an open book. I love to give of myself in physical ways quite often. At work I always have in coming hugs and kisses from clients and love that kind of attention and giving in return (be rest assured the hugs are only given at work in return).

What I have noticed however is that I have a limit. I sometimes come home and am touched out. I find it hard to regain energy to give to my loves sometimes and often need to take some space. Sometimes they see that as my having an issue with something as touch is the first to go when I do. I become unable to touch someone I am struggling with.

I use touch as a gauge quite often in assessing where I am at with someone. I seem to struggle sometimes with Mono's apprehension about my touching others. I find I struggle with mono rules around touching quite often. I'm not sure if Mono's concerns are because he is mono or not?... Hmmm?...

The concern is things like cuddle parties or sitting too close to people that could have a crush on me. Its getting better, but has been a struggle. I don't even want to approach my longer than average hugs with my friend. I don't know what he thinks of that.

I guess I like to feel peoples energy. Feel their life force. I am super aware of stuff like that and crave it from those I am close to or want to be close to. I'm very intuitive. Its how I communicate and figure out stuff with them. It goes beyond words.

My tersiary is not a toucher, he gives me hugs when I ask but whinces and is awkward. One of the reasons we could never be more than intimate friends is for this reason. I don't know how to read that or what to do with it. I find half of my ability to communcucate is gone.

Derby and I touch often. Just a hand on the arm, I move her hair away from her eye, a quick hug or kiss. She seems to be like me in a lot of ways around touch. Just these simple gestures make a huge difference to feeling like we are okay and connected. I wonder what she thinks when we are all together and I am touching all my loves? I know its weird for me to see her touched by others.

Nerdist and I don't communicate often through touch. He is more of a starer. He will stare at me for long periods of time in order to figure out what is going on for me. Visual touch. The thing with that is that I get annoyed and he reads that as annoyed about stuff I'm not annoyed with. I'm annoyed that he is staring.

I suspect when he sees Mono and I lovin each other up he gets jealous sometimes. I am far more affectionate with Mono than nerdist. I don't remember being overly affectionate with nerdist since we had a child that globbed on to me from the moment I birthed him. I think its so important for primary relationships to keep on top of touching. Its so easy to go into "married mode" and forget to slow down and spend a moment with one another without talking about kid stuff, scheduling and what's for dinner. Guilty as charged with that one. We do a lot of bed cuddling and joking around though. That's something I suppose.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

The concern is things like cuddle parties or sitting too close to people that could have a crush on me. Its getting better, but has been a struggle. I don't even want to approach my longer than average hugs with my friend. I don't know what he thinks of that.

.

I have a DADT on longer than usual hugs with your non-sexual boyfriend LOL! I can only envision the cuddling on your dates....but I don't cause it weirds me out...just don't let me see it k? I'm becoming a fan of "what I don't know can't hurt me " you just have to be good at it In all honesty things have already changed with respect to you guys but it isn't life altering, just me altering and is my thing to work through.

Cuddle parties....*sigh*...it's hard to accept something that my daughter engages in as mature behavior....I know it's judgement but that's just how I feel.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Nerdist and I don't communicate often through touch. He is more of a starer. He will stare at me for long periods of time in order to figure out what is going on for me. Visual touch. The thing with that is that I get annoyed and he reads that as annoyed about stuff I'm not annoyed with. I'm annoyed that he is staring.

I have to say this made me chuckle rp. I have a friend like this and it is...weird. I almost find it more invading then being touched.

I use touch as a gauge quite often in assessing where I am at with someone. I seem to struggle sometimes with Mono's apprehension about my touching others. I find I struggle with mono rules around touching quite often. I'm not sure if Mono's concerns are because he is mono or not?... Hmmm?...

I would be curious as well.

However i don't think it can be strictly a mono thing. I have mono friends who really creep me out with how touchy they are, and I am a touchy person ...I think this is one of those, "take what it is from the individual" situations.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

I have to say this made me chuckle rp. I have a friend like this and it is...weird. I almost find it more invading then being touched.



I would be curious as well.

.

I have had touchy mono friends as well Ariakas LOL! Some people like to communicate with almost everyone within thier intimate zone...usually 18 inch range to be specific. They weird me out too. The bulk of my social circle before I met Redpepper (36 years approximately) was much different in many ways. Our relationships were enjoyable but there was little energy exchange. Hugs were just hugs....we didn't cuddle. The people I have come to know in our community now are much more inclined to physical touch. But there is more than touch involved..there is an energy exchange because everyone seems to willingly let thiers out and accepts that of others. I enjoy being with people who have compatable energy but don't like sharing all types. I find much of the energy in the poly community to be too intimate for me (not necessarily sexual, but too close). I am very specific who I want intimate energy from and who I want to share mine with.

In short though..I think some mono's (read me specifially) are soo mono they don't need or want the touch of others, which means it's hard for us to understand that need/want in others....we simply don't get it...errrr I don't

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Cuddle parties....*sigh*...it's hard to accept something that my daughter engages in as mature behavior....I know it's judgement but that's just how I feel.

You know what...I have been looking at this comment and perhaps the only way I'll ever understand is to just go to one...only women around me though...I may be mono but I'm still hetero and there's nothing wrong with "inadvertently" copping a feel is there?...unless Nerdist is there..we have a special bond.

I'm kidding...but about what part?! Aha! You'll never know.

[Ariakas]

Well mono when we meet, I am a fan of personal space. I don't intend to invade anyones space I am not intimate with

I should say this is also partially cultural. Certain euro countries have virtually no personal space. I used to easily misconstrue someones friendly gesture for sexual advance. Its amazing to meet other people from other places and realize how different everything is...

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Well mono when we meet, I am a fan of personal space. I don't intend to invade anyones space I am not intimate with

Aww I got a hug saved for my friend. No picking me up and shaking me around though...I'm small but wiry And I guarantee you Redpepper will be sorely disappointed if you don't give her a huge hug!