Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-17-2010, 07:03 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to work on developing healthy relationships in general and not worry about whether you're poly or mono? The advice is often given that you not add a relationship until the current one(s) you have is stable and healthy.

At this point in time it appears to me that your exploration of poly may be more about your ongoing issues with abandonment and intimacy and not so much about being able to love more than one person at a time. If you have a sponsor in your recovery process you might want to run this by them.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 06-17-2010 at 07:33 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-17-2010, 03:19 PM
weareone weareone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 15
Default

I think you are right Dragonflysky. I have been working on healthy relationships for a number of years now. I have been very successful except for that first one. I had the most healthy weekend I have ever had with anyone. No drama, lots of good loving, eating, resting, talking. Not as much walking exercise as I 'd like but still so successful. I feel very empowered and I'm about to go off on another adventure with a man I've known for about 8 years on the internet. We are finally going to meet and then I am going to my first open dharma silent retreat. I will have lots of time to reflect on my healthy relationships and move toward completely letting go of the toxic one. I'm not too worried about any of this stuff. It is just words labels etc. I am just thrilled to have met such a wise open community. Thanks for helping. I really appreciate it.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-18-2010, 02:31 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

I noticed you said that he loves you but is with other women that he says he loves less. He is a people pleaser. Might I suggest that he is selling you a line to please you... he is likely telling the other women the same thing. What way do you have of knowing if you already know he is dishonest.

I would suggest that you don't love this new guy because he is something different that you have ever had before. You don't know how to love men like him or how to invest in them because you have been hurt by ones like the other man before.

It's kind of lie women who are abused. They fall for abusers because that is what they know. They trust that scenario even though it is not healthy for them.

Perhaps its time to invest a little. Talk to the new guy about these concerns, tell him you want to take it really slow because you think he might be worth it. Tell him you don't love him but see potential to and want to investigate that slowly. There is no harm in admitting to these things. It might not work out with him, but would put you on good footing to be with someone in the future as you will learn a lot about what it means to really love.

Hey "Scat," heehee, I have written that so many times and erased it. Unfortunate short form.... but cute and worth teasing you about just the same heh.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-18-2010, 07:35 PM
weareone weareone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 15
Default

I have this little heart and it says love is .... commitment, patience, respect, honesty, caring, trust. The new man I had such a good weekend with is not interested in long term commitment. He says he will do a year and then re-evaluate to see if the women can handle another year or so but he is just into casual dating nothing serious so I do not think I will waste my time trying to fall in love with someone who does not want to be in a committed relationship.

That said I am also not interested in a committed relationship with him. I have not met anyone I am interested in committing too. Patience, honesty, respect, caring, trust is all there so that is what 5 out of the 6 points describing love. I'm okay with that. I'm not putting commitment as more important than any of the other ones. That is why I'm here on poly now I'm sure commitment can be picked apart and I would love that to happen. Very interesting topic... commitment.

To comment on the other man, unhealthy one -he also cannot do committed relationships, does not want to be in one, basically wants to just have sex and be left alone to then go off and lie to his other women about how he wants to marry them etc. OH yhea that guy. I have talked to the other women. I know what he says, people pleasing up the wazzo. He admits to me he just tells each one of us whatever he thinks we want to hear so hmmm lets see commitement no, respect, no, honesty, no, trust, no there is lots of patience like a spider waiting for some prey to tingle on his web lol he claims to care so lets be generous and give him a 2 out of 6. lol NOT ENOUGH but plenty of fun for my dysfunctional unconscious patterns to crave after. Maybe I can fix him. lol

Anyway just being a little light hearted about all of this. Or I could be serious, right below my little heart paper I have EVOLVE OR DIE!!!! lol so can I try to have my cake and eat it too or will I die? We all die but do I want to be surrounded by people who truly love me 6 out of 6? or alone with a 2 or a 1 probably a zero ..... I'll take 5 out of 6 and lets examine this commitment thing and poly please.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-18-2010, 08:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by weareone View Post
Anyway just being a little light hearted about all of this. Or I could be serious, right below my little heart paper I have EVOLVE OR DIE!!!! lol so can I try to have my cake and eat it too or will I die? We all die but do I want to be surrounded by people who truly love me 6 out of 6? or alone with a 2 or a 1 probably a zero ..... I'll take 5 out of 6 and lets examine this commitment thing and poly please.
I couldn't make much sense of this, but you will not DIE just because you don't have your cake and eat it too. I suppose if it bothers you that much, you could always MAKE yourself die; but last time I checked, not being in a polyamorous relationship is not a fatal condition.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-18-2010, 09:24 PM
weareone weareone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 15
Default

oh that Evolve or Die statement was from my love addiction 12 stepping stuff. All the addictions end in jails, institutions or death. So I was wondering if I could hold onto my toxic love addicted relationship and have my healthy ones all at the same time. 5 out of 6 and 1 out of 6. or will I spiral into the pits of despair and die? evolve or die? face all this stuff and move through it to higher levels of consciousness or crash and burn into old unconscious dangerously toxic patterns. I'm not sure I can really explain it, depends if you've ever had addiction issues. Oh it was not, not being in a polyamorous relationship that I was implying was a fatal condition. It was thinking I am in a polyamorous/open relationship when I'm not, denial, toxic man is lying/cheating/saying whatever and I am getting physically attacked by the other women when he is trying to introduce/manipulate us.

There was a news story about this woman, who had some serious love addiction to a man and decided to burn down his wedding tent, killing so many people. Crimes of passion, love addiction, jealousy, lies, cheating, people pleasing, miss-communication can end in death. Happens all the time. Temporary insanity is the plea

I just finished that article here on how to manage jealousy in open relationships that was sooo helpful. I will be studying/rereading that a number of times. thanks for asking for clarification, hope i didn't muddy it further.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-26-2010, 09:41 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

Soooooooo....it sounds to me like your bottom line is can you continue receiving all the benefits of being in "Recovery" (from unhealthy relationships, etc.) while still "using", e.g. remaining... dabbling...playing in an unhealthy relationship(s)? In Addiction terminology...can you "pick up" and "use" whenever it's more fun and convenient and then get back into Recovery behaviors (Healthy relationship behaviors, in your case) as it suits you??????

Let's say I'm a Recovering Alcoholic. What would my odds be of staying in Recovery if I decided to not drink on certain occassions with certain people but then decided it was ok to pick-up and drink on other occassions with other people??? " An example......."It's my class/family reunion and it only happens a few times in life, and besides why should I have to miss out on all the fun everyone else is having when they drink? One or two drinks won't hurt. I can handle it just this once.....etc."

Weareone, I think you're straddling the fence on this one. Either you work a program of Recovery or you don't. It doesn't mean it's going to be a perfect Recovery, but from where I stand you're already engaging in Relapse behaviors by trying to rationalize, justify, intellectualize, etc., having a relationship of any kind with the one unhealthy man you've mentioned. You're already planning your next opportunity to relapse into unhealthy relationship behaviors.

How about letting go of the one unhealthy relationship regardless of whether or not your "new" healthier relationship develops into something more serious?? I think that not having a "back-up" relationship probably triggers some of the "abandoment" issues you mentioned earlier in this post. If your intent is to truly heal and be in a healthy relationship(s) you can't hang on to an unhealthy relationship(s), poly or mono.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 06-26-2010 at 09:48 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-26-2010, 11:02 PM
weareone weareone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 15
Default

Your so right. I am planning my next relapse. Well I'm getting out of town in a few days so lets see how I do surrendering all of this. I don't have much hope for my will but the HP will save me if I can turn over the unhealthy stuff. Am I willing? what is my intent? those are the questions I will be meditating on. Thanks for keeping it in my awareness. That is very helpful.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-26-2010, 11:43 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 211
Default

I hope all goes well for you. Thank goodness for our HP!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:39 PM.