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Old 06-22-2010, 11:43 PM
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Monounsaturated Monounsaturated is offline
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We came to a tentative agreement tonight. I feel like we're on a new journey, scary as hell because when we get to wherever the hell we wind up, we may still decide reconciliation isn't possible. That said, we have to rebuild who we are first and then figure out what the hell 'we' as a couple means. I'd love to be able to say that this is going to be easy, but as they say (whoever the hell 'they' are) that nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

M
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Old 06-23-2010, 10:49 AM
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I've been listening to Billy Joel - Honesty. The man is a musical genius. There always seems to be a song that fits a given situation. My favourite has to be She's Always a Woman. When I look back at the past 10 years and how I have treated her I feel sick. I held on so tight I strangled the life from everything. I feel like an idiot; before her I had never experienced unconditional love. I was so terrified of losing her love I put her in a cage.
I have issues from my childhood and they haunt me. I'm fighting the idea that I'm worthless. It's difficult. She was the only person who saw me, broke through my defences and pulled me out of myself, dusted me off and said, 'hey you're not so bad.' Right now I feel so much anger at myself. I've wasted the past 15 years. I feel like the guy in the song Piano Man, 'makin love to his tonic and gin.' I've never been one for pubs, these days they're so damned loud you can't hear yourself think nevermind talk to anyone. Rebuilding 'me' seems to be the task at hand and I don't know if I even like myself nevermind rebuild. I came out of an extremely destructive childhood and straight into a relationship with a woman who due to my own stupidity I nearly destroyed. As I type this she's over there on the sofa, I'm frankly amazed, I wouldn't have put up with me, nevermind stayed. I seem to excel at destroying the things I love. 2010 hindsight and all that. The thing is that I now know what the problem is. It makes me sick to my stomach to admit that it's me. I was dragged up by parents with degrees in psychology who used their knowledge to great effect - they tore each other to bits and when my mother couldn't tear into him she tore into me. I took all that vitriol and internalised it - it was my fault they didn't like each other. I couldn't accept that another person could love me and the only view of family life I ever saw was destructive. I cannot remember a single hug from my mother, I remember breaking a wooden spoon in half when she went to attack me with it, but no hugs or intimacy of any kind. In fairness I was never physically abused, that would have been easier. A few lumps and bumps would have been easier to process. The feeling that I was 'in the way' or 'the cause of all the problems' has been hard to process. The thing that makes me angry is that my mother has a problem with the fact that I never call, never visit or want anything to do with her. What sickens me most is that I very nearly did it to my own family and I hope to god they can forgive me. I know I have a huge amount of love to give, I just don't know how to express it. I express it in all the wrong ways, I misconstrue the simplest of gestures. Taking down these shields is damned scary. I wrote a short story once a long time ago for my college magazine, and it was published. Little did I know at the time that it was about me. My wife knows of it. The fear of being honest with yourself and being open and aware and happy with ones own faults and accepting ones gifts. When I was a kid, in order to gain some sanity away from the hell I was living in, a father who was as distant and cold as frost and a mother who used me as a way of venting. I'd go to my room and read, I'd escape into whole other worlds where people were good and sane. I'd listen to music. It was my sanctuary. When my parents finally had enough of tearing each other to bits I went to live with my father and watched him go through one destructive relationship after another, that was fun. I went to college and I felt like a fish in a desert, I had no clue how to relate to anyone, I sure as hell knew that a relationship with anyone was not a good idea, the fact that I didn't know what my sexuality was at the time scared the crap out of me. I seemed to like everyone, I'd get to know someone regardless of gender and feel attraction I thought there was something wrong with me. I know now that there's nothing wrong with me, I just don't see gender. Then Matilda appeared in college and I just had to know her, we clicked, spoke on the phone for hours, ran up some very scary phone bills. After college we got back in touch and the connection was there, we had a whirlwind romance and got married. It seems like a million years ago now. Right now I want to crawl into a safe place and shut out the world. I've hurt her so much.

Last edited by Monounsaturated; 06-23-2010 at 11:36 AM. Reason: Just acknowleging Matilda
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Old 06-23-2010, 01:58 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I am rushing to get ready for work, but I will throw a quick 2 cents out there. Don't turtle up. Keep opening up. You have a lot of the same issues I had to work through in my younger years, some of them caused by similar problems. Seek counselling, even on your own. Rebuild yourself. Dependency (either from the aggressor or the passive) is bad behaviour. When you end up "relying" on someone else to define you, in any way, thats just unhealthy.
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Old 06-23-2010, 03:36 PM
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Looking at the world though a different lens is both terrifying and exhilerating. We have alot to work through, I have alot to work through. Playing the blame game really gets us nowhere, I have first hand experience both in my own life and watching others (mainly my parents). How we wind up at the end of all this I don't know. I do know that I love Matilda to bits and I wish to hell I could change the past but I can't. What's done is done. It wasn't all bad but there was far too much bad. Looking at myself through this new lens is a bit like looking at Dorians picture, I don't like what's happened to that picture. What I can do is start repairing and rebuilding. I've put some personal projects on hold so I can concentrate on my family and on myself and Matilda. Part of me still wants to go out and run naked screaming down the road, they'd lock me up as some sort of lunatic and that would absolve me from my responsibilities. Can't do that though. Have to be reasonable and sane and own my own failures and crimes against myself and my family. Man this hurts.

M
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Old 06-24-2010, 09:05 AM
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Numb, shellshocked, these are words that best describe how I'm feeling today. I read Matildas blog and I see posts that paint me as a demon. I know I'm not. My focus in the past few years has been on all the wrong things and it led me to neglect the one thing in my life that has any meaning -my family and Matilda. This is not a pleasant realisation. Work yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotion, trying to function, do my job and at the same time thinking about the past number of years. I have spread myself too thin, pursuing far too many goals and leaving nothing for anyone else. This has led me to pare back on these ambitions freeing up time to spend where it should be spent. If life has meaning at all it stems from family, friends, the innumberable links we make everyday.
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Old 06-24-2010, 03:31 PM
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I feel lost, in a limbo-like state that's hard to fathom. Feelings that have been pushed down for too long, racing through me. Feelings that I haven't allowed myself to feel. I veer from hopeful, to despair and back again. I find I'm going back to the remedies I used as a kid. I lose myself in loud music, I escape to the car and pull music from the pc in the house and escape for a while. It helps. Today we went swimming and it was great, the old banter between us re-surfacing, the Matilda I know is in there somewhere coming out. I feel elation and then it hits me, the regret, the loss and I feel a whole lot of anger at myself for letting my ambition - career etc - from getting in the way. All the times I wasn't there, all the times I was 'too busy.' Songs I haven't listened to in years come to mind, Bryan Adams - Everything I Do. I know in my heart that I'm not what I was even a few short months ago. We've been talking and talking and talking. Slowly, little by little I'm changing I fight the demons inside me and I am consciously letting go. It scares the hell out of me. I want so much to see Matilda be all she can be. I have been so afraid to love, to just let go, to just trust. I'm terrified that now that I can it's too late.
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Old 06-24-2010, 03:39 PM
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Based on what I have read it is not too late...but it is going to require a lot of communication and change. This could be the launch pad to a better understanding of yourself and her. You might feel like you are on the edge of a cliff but take a look down...instead of endings and death, there could be immense depth in your realtionship. Don't fight it, embrace it. What is the alternative?
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Old 06-24-2010, 05:02 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Monounsaturated View Post
Feelings that I haven't allowed myself to feel. I veer from hopeful, to despair and back again.
I am guilty of this. I ignored my emotions, buried them and forgot about them. I knew how to "love", but ignored many others. Re-learning how to embrace them is going to be hard, and in some ways devastating. I found myself having to re-mourn my fathers death since I had never properly mourned before.

I had to re-learn how to trust in people. Giving myself to someone so completely without expectation of either love being returned or that trust being given back.

Its a tough emotionally tumultuous road you are going to take. I am glad my first instinct is to fight instead of flee. When these emotions came flooding back and I had to deal with them, I buried for a bit...but fought them the entire way. A learning experience and one I have no regrets going through.

Quote:
I find I'm going back to the remedies I used as a kid. I lose myself in loud music, I escape to the car and pull music from the pc in the house and escape for a while. It helps.
It does help doesn't it. I walk with music, day dream of things in a better time and place or possibly being a super hero. Either way it helps settle me. Just don't let that escapism become your reality. You can only hide for so long

good luck, you have a tough road ahead, but it is worth it
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Old 06-25-2010, 12:49 AM
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Monounsaturated Monounsaturated is offline
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I'm going to throw this out there, I've been spending alot of time thinking and crying -shock horror a grown man 6"2 and built like a fridge (to borrow Matildas description of me) crying like a baby at work. I think I know why I've behave the way I have for the past 10 years or more and it's really banal. Good old fashioned self-esteem. I studied psychology donkeys years ago and I got to thinking about me and my little brain and how it works.
It all started with my parents and they instilled in me the notion that I'm useless, not worth the time of day etc etc. Anyway, I met Matilda and we decided we were getting married, my family (aka my father) tried the whole 'thou shalt not get married - I forbid it routine - this added to that little beacon in my brain. Were it not for Matildas strength I'd have caved. Anyway, got married and the stress of life kicked in a series of misfortunes job wise and I blamed myself for those disasters, internalised and added to the wee beacon, my self-image plummetted, then after another series of disasters, I wound up in the job I'm in. Frankly I hate it or rather I used to hate it. I was trained by my good father that you're useless unless you have a high flying career (funny how that sounds just like him) and every day I went into work that bloody beacon in my brain went off shouting, 'hey you're useless etc etc.

Now my doctor noticed that I was depressed and put me on some wee tablets to balance my seratonin etc etc. Thinking about it now, it was a plaster on an open wound.

I'm not saying this excuses my behaviour, but it certainly goes along way to explain why I behaved the way I did. We still need to go to councilling, we still have a huge amount of work to do and she looked at me with the whole, 'oh yeah' look and frankly I'd look at me with the whole 'oh yeah' stance if I told me that was why I'd behaved like a right knob over the course of 15 years. The more I think about it the more I'm convinced I'm right. It's also settled a whole lot of questions in my head about my sexuality and stance on relationships. I'm very liberal, I'm very open minded, still bi (shugs), but I'm definitely Mono in my outlook.

I'm still in the position I'm in, I've still hurt the most important woman in my life. I wish to god I could remove the stupid, idiotic things I've done. I have been very confused over the past I don't know how long and I have to thank everyone on this forum for their help and advice. I'd like to think that I can still post here especially if Matilda hasn't figured out if she's poly or mono yet

M
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Last edited by Monounsaturated; 06-25-2010 at 01:02 AM.
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Old 06-25-2010, 02:24 AM
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It's 3am here, I can't sleep. My mind is whirring, thinking of the past and the possible future that lies ahead. I feel more grounded than I've felt in a while. I don't know if I'm deluding myself but I do know that drop kicking the baggage from my past is the appropriate thing to do. Clarity is a rare thing, I've sleep walked the past 10 years, afraid to face my demons, afraid to drop the baggage. I have been arrogant in my stupidity. I thought I was fine, I didn't need help. I refused to listen to anyone, accept help from anyone. So many times people reached out to me, offering support and I pushed them away. I ran on anger, anger at myself mostly, fear and loathing of myself. I could not see through other peoples eyes, people who mattered. I drove my family away, my in-laws away. I have to move on from here and learn to love myself, not in some narcissistic way, but in a healthy, open, way that does not drive people away from me. I am full of regret for my treatment of the people around me, especially Matilda. I have been a coward, afraid of my own shadow, afraid of me. Afraid to explore my own being. Right now I feel confident, tomorrow I may not be quite so up-beat. When I look around me at the damage I've caused I'm saddened. Saddened by the lost time with my children, saddened by the damage I've done to Matilda, saddened by the lost friendships and lost time. I have been a spoiled child, wrapped in my own world, throwing a tantrum whenever I didn't get what I wanted right away. Sulking for the most insane reasons. When I look back, it's not a pretty sight. Right, enough of this navel gazing, I'd better go to bed, tomorrow is another day and I have alot of work to do.

M
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