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  #51  
Old 06-23-2010, 03:14 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Keeping in mind of course the poly people don't have to be great communicators. As Ciel on this site points out...there are some working poly relationships that don't fall in line with what is an "ideal"...but they still work

I didn't notice that actually, but way to drag the info out kicking and screaming. Poly is more gentle to explain that swinging, more gentle than cheating. If you search for poly on okc, everyone seems to be doing it...look up swingers or swinging, it it shocking how few people mention it. One is still taboo while the other is okc acceptable.

I point this out to a good friend often...all the dick headish behaviour by men is learned at some point. It works on someone, which is why they continue. Don't blame the player, blame the game comes to mind here. If women started refusing the sleezy cheaters sex, they would have to change their stripes tactics...but it must work...and if it works whats the motivation to stop?

Last edited by Ariakas; 06-23-2010 at 03:16 PM.
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  #52  
Old 06-23-2010, 05:54 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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One would think that the "don't want the wife to know" stuff would be a major clue that the guy is simply looking to cheat. Sheesh!

When I have an OKC account (pulled the last one off a few months back and haven't put up a new one yet), I direct anybody who seems interested to go chat with my wife. That's an extension of my decision to have anybody I meet in meatspace to go chat with my wife early on.

I do that to avoid any instances where somebody might think my marriage is in trouble and they can pretend to be poly whilst luring me away (the cowgirl scenario). A couple have disappeared without chatting with my wife, which reinforces my notion that it's a good policy for me to have.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #53  
Old 06-24-2010, 01:47 AM
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Honestheart Honestheart is offline
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I can't stand the "i'm poly but my wife/husband doesnt know" thing too! I also hate this one "my partner and i are poly, but he/she doesn't have to know about us being together or that we are fucking ..." argh!!!! unless you and your partner have a don't ask don't tell policy or a do whatever or whomever you like as long as you come home to me kinda policy then welll ummm....why the secret? argh!!!!!

AutumnalTone, i LOVE that idea of having those interested in you speaking with yer significant other! awesum! that IS a great way to both establish "i'm not cheating" and a way to get rid of those pesky cowfolk! I'll have to remember that one! thanks!
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  #54  
Old 06-24-2010, 02:51 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Well, I'm thinking that if "he/she doesn't have to know," then the person saying that isn't actually doing poly--they may have an open relationship, though I'm always suspicious.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #55  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:47 AM
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There seems to be an insane amount of educating to do doesn't there? I just had someone come into my life that thought my being poly would mean that we (nerdist and I) could possibly enhance their marriage as they have a good thing going and thought that I would want back into that with her involved instead of just him. I'm pretty sure they thought that my poly was just about enhancing my marriage with other people and that love was not accounted for, it was a gesture of good "friendship." They in fact have an open relationship by the sound of it and thought it was the same thing...

I have run across "poly folk" really not being poly but more "open" before and got hurt when I was told that I had to suck up my emotions because love is just stupid.

It just goes on and on and really I am surprised that anyone gets together at all!
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  #56  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matilda View Post
I believe it can serve as a 'convenient' word to use instead of saying 'married-but-looking' or 'married-but-want-to-bed-other-people'...
You have a good heart, Matilda, but I think you're being too generous. I think they're just trying to cheat. It could be that they've heard of poly as being non-monogamous, and they figure any kind of non-monogamy is the same, so they figure they are poly too. But I don't think so, I think they're intentionally misleading.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I direct anybody who seems interested to go chat with my wife.
Obviously you and your wife have arranged this and she's fine with it. I wouldn't be, personally, simply as a matter of inconvenience. But then, considering how many of these women turn down the offer, I'm guessing it's not much of an issue.
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  #57  
Old 06-25-2010, 03:09 AM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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The man who introduced me to poly was a bit like this, in my experience anyway. I fell in love with all the philosophies of poly he introduced me to. Clear, respectful communication. He described scenarios of wanting to kiss another woman, but phoning first to check in. I was allowed to ask to meet her first, etc. All of his words seemed so respectful and the way poly was introduced on "paper" seemed like it held so much integrity and mature communication.

However, his actions were more what was described in this thread. It became apparent after several weeks, to me anyway, that actually, he really loved the attention from women and loved feeling powerful and popular. He particularly seemed to like showing off a) the size of his penis (seriously) and b) his ability to get other men's girlfriends/wives to want him.

His "poly" seemed to involve a fair bit of cheating with attached women.

And when he did check in with me about other woman, the description he gave of what he wanted to do with her included how badly he wanted to sleep with her, (and gave me detailed descriptions of what he wanted to do to her). She had a boyfriend and he would flirt/play fight with her in a very sexual way in front of him. It was such a power game. He would make comments about how he was surprised her boyfriend wasn't jealous of him.

A few scenarios came up involving similar circumstances. Basically, him expressing his prowess by bedding an unhappily married woman and giving her "what the husband couldn't". Or, competing with men by bragging that their girlfriends were inevitably going to sleep with him.

I found it completely disgusting!
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Last edited by rolypoly; 06-25-2010 at 04:02 AM.
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  #58  
Old 06-25-2010, 03:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It just goes on and on and really I am surprised that anyone gets together at all!
yup, know how you feel.... but thankfully, i'm pleasantly surprised when ppl do get together and have healthy relationships.
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  #59  
Old 06-25-2010, 08:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
The man who introduced me to poly was a bit like this, in my experience anyway. I fell in love with all the philosophies of poly he introduced me to. Clear, respectful communication. He described scenarios of wanting to kiss another woman, but phoning first to check in. I was allowed to ask to meet her first, etc. All of his words seemed so respectful and the way poly was introduced on "paper" seemed like it held so much integrity and mature communication.

However, his actions were more what was described in this thread. It became apparent after several weeks, to me anyway, that actually, he really loved the attention from women and loved feeling powerful and popular. He particularly seemed to like showing off a) the size of his penis (seriously) and b) his ability to get other men's girlfriends/wives to want him.

I found it completely disgusting!
After being introduced to poly this way, what made you realize there was something better out there? Did you end this relationship and then go looking for what you really wanted?
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
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The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-25-2010 at 08:06 AM.
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  #60  
Old 06-27-2010, 08:45 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Obviously you and your wife have arranged this and she's fine with it. I wouldn't be, personally, simply as a matter of inconvenience. But then, considering how many of these women turn down the offer, I'm guessing it's not much of an issue.
It's not a hard and fast rule, it's simply something I much prefer to have happen. I'm actually more interested in seeing how they handle the request, actually. If they exhibit any signs of not wanting to be open about a connection with me, then I'm not likely to pursue the relationship any further. Even if they don't contact her and continue to communicate with me in a way that shows they recognize and respect my relationship with my wife, then I'm OK with things. In short: avoidance behavior warns me off and acceptance behavior keeps me involved.

The women who don't contact her sometimes just don't maintain continued contact with me. Others have not contacted her and then exhibited avoidance behavior in subsequent contact.

On the other hand, most will at least send a her message to say hello and acknowledge that they're chatting with me, which is quite enough to weed out the cowgirls.
__________________
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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