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  #51  
Old 06-20-2010, 01:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
......something I have observed on occasion.... The mono in a married couple with one side going poly has an uphill battle. The thing I have observed, and this isn't always the case, is that the mono tends to be too reliant on the partnership instead of realizing there are other relationships out there. So many I have seen online, have no friends outside of the monogamous relationship.

This creates a real problem when the poly person starts going out. They are so dependent on the relationship that they feel loneliness. They start to go out and build other friendships and that helps. But then what? While processing their partner being poly they could possibly process it for themselves.

.......I wonder how things would be for them if they had a social life outside of the monogamous relationship, if they had friends to lean on in and weren't so dependent on the primary relationship.

It also leaves me wondering, how many poly identified people go poly because of that dependency. They do it as a fantasy or escape from being the "one and only"...that's a craptastic amount of pressure to put on one person.
I have noticed this too and thought I would post it here as a possible lesson learned. Thanks Ari

Note to self, don't become co-dependant, I need to find myself my own friends, interests, life outside of my family...
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  #52  
Old 06-20-2010, 01:30 AM
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Why can't there be a sliding scale of poly/mono. I know someone threw one up here a while ago...but the gist would be like kinsey (I think it was idealist)...a scale 1 to 6 1 being mono and 6 being poly. It might help people understand a potential transition and or, where they fit in.
You're the man today Ari thanks for another quote!

I think that perhaps there is some kind of scale between an all out swinger who sees sex as a matter of everyday biological need... like taking a crap and those that find sex to be a deep spiritual connection that they only want to share with those who are close and safe.

this seems to eb and flow in life and with certain partners even. It is important I think to make sure that one knows where they are on that scale when they invite others into their lives, so as to have the best mental health.
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  #53  
Old 06-20-2010, 01:37 AM
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Some people love NRE and will add and add and add relationships in order to keep feeling it... it's similar to serial monogamy but is more like serial polyamory,,, partners just overlap.

For me it's important to make sure that I know how my tribe will change if someone else is added. Everything changes and ripples through a whole constellation, right down to the people in my life that I hardly see who aren't poly. Is it really the best idea for me to add a new partner? Is it best for them? Is it best for everyone in my life? These are questions I ask myself when faced with finding that I love someone deeper than a friendship.
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  #54  
Old 06-20-2010, 01:38 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Some people love NRE and will add and add and add relationships in order to keep feeling it... it's similar to serial monogamy but is more like serial polyamory,,, partners just overlap.
Serial Polyamory maybe?...

I wonder if pointed out, if there may be a correlation to addiction to drugs or alcohol. Those initial hormonal influences can be very toxic if abused...how would you ever go back to real life
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  #55  
Old 06-21-2010, 09:00 PM
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time would be a restriction in the "addiction" scenario, but that's crazy to think about. I'm sure it's happening somewhere right....now.

Something else i've learned from my poly experiences is communication, and more specifically wants and needs, and how to communicate them.

1. It's ok to express you want something that someone else doesn't want, and it encouraged.
2. When you have a disagreement, it should be the goal for you to understand why your partner feels the way they do about what you disagree about, and for them to understand why you disagree. Once the disagreement is out, the negative energy almost dissipates, unless it's something more serious.
3. The first thing you need to do is FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT. If you don't know what you want, chances you are could be stringing your partner along or worse...
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  #56  
Old 06-21-2010, 09:06 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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3. The first thing you need to do is FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT. If you don't know what you want, chances you are could be stringing your partner along or worse...
And allow it to change if necessary. This has been a big lesson (life or poly) for me. I was locked into so many rules when I first got here, and have slowly been breaking down the rules...I am so quick to break other(s) rules (natural rebel in me), I wasn't actually taking that advantage myself
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  #57  
Old 06-22-2010, 04:57 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
There's a little game
Here is how it goes
Bullshit's like a river
It starts and then it flows
If you are afraid
That you have been neglected
Let me make sure
That you're feeling well protected
My arms are all around you
Please ignore the grip
I'll tell you that you're safe
Just don't try givin' me the slip
I think that you are vulnerable
I think that you are weak
I'll tell you who to play with
For myself I will you keep
I am your lord and master
You will never run away
Although the door is always open
Your mind will always stay
Anything that resembles the above situation is NOT poly. I suppose that could be a poly lesson in non-poly behaviour
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  #58  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:46 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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When you truly care for a metamour, it becomes automatic to balance their needs with that of your partner.
"V"s may be physically defined, but when everyone cares deeply about each other they become more like emotional triads. I wouldn't have it any other way
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  #59  
Old 06-25-2010, 09:16 PM
joyfulgirl26 joyfulgirl26 is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
"V"s may be physically defined, but when everyone cares deeply about each other they become more like emotional triads.
i like that. i have felt that way with my husband's girlfriends (who were both straight). i was good friends with both of them and had close emotional connections and communicated well with them both...it felt like a partnership with the goal of helping my husband feel happy and fulfilled. such a good, supported/supporting feeling.
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  #60  
Old 07-01-2010, 03:25 AM
solarwindsfly solarwindsfly is offline
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NRE? I am lost again sorry....
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