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  #21  
Old 06-22-2010, 11:29 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I second YGirl's comment.

There is no "protocol" on whether or not girlfriends are allowed to sleep in wive's beds.

In our marriage, we have an agreement that we can have sex with other people in the house, but the bed is sacrosanct. In other marriages, they all share the bed together. In yet other marriages, some partners are allowed in the bed if the spouse has met them and is comfortable with that person in their bed.

I wouldn't want to date any man who would be offended at not being allowed in my husband's bed. That would tell me he does not respect my husband's boundaries.
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  #22  
Old 06-22-2010, 11:39 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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My husband and I have our own bedrooms, and sometimes he sleeps with me because we started out that way. His room in our house has reverted to the way his room looked when we first met... I would venture that no woman would WANT to sleep in there, but I did...

If I were involved with someone who regularly shares a bed with their live-in partner, I'm not sure I'd WANT to sleep in their bed unless I had some sort of independent connection with the other partner, and then only if the other partner offered that option.

If I had another partner who lived alone, I'd probably go to their place to get it on... But this is all hypothetical when it comes to my situation.

Of course, I'd talk about it with the other people involved regardless of what I would want in my own ideal world.
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  #23  
Old 06-23-2010, 09:43 AM
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LoL, well my husband, in a way, has his own house :P Considering his out-of-town work schedule, he lives in his new motor home much more than he lives in the house he pays the mortgage on... But to me, that's all the reason to make our bed really "his" when he does come home.
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  #24  
Old 06-23-2010, 06:29 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Curly and I sleep apart. She decides who sleeps in her bed and I decide who sleeps in mine. I also much prefer to sleep alone, so these days its very rare that anybody would sleep in my bed besides me.

Beyond that, I'd never regard anyplace I couldn't invite somebody to sleep with me as my regular sleeping space. The moment any partner says "You can't have anybody besides me sleep here" is the moment I find somewhere else to sleep.

Obviously, other folks handle this sort of thing in a different fashion. I'll add to the chorus saying y'all need to sit down and work it out for your own situation.
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  #25  
Old 06-24-2010, 02:43 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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I've never had a particular piece of furniture come up as a poly- negotiation, but, well, it's clearly come up for you, so talk to Pru. To make this stuff work, one has got to be able to talk to one's partner about pretty much *anything* without fear of offending them.

I don't know that it needs to be a three-way conversation, though, but I'm not sure if that was what YGirl was suggesting. I will say that if I was the girlfriend, I'd find a "no bed" rule pretty strange, but, you know, people are often pretty strange.

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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Beyond that, I'd never regard anyplace I couldn't invite somebody to sleep with me as my regular sleeping space.
Yeah, totally.
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  #26  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:22 AM
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I have been with Mono for over a year and a half and the only time he has slept in our bed is if invited by me and Nerdist. we have a boundary about anyone other than us sleeping in our bed. We had a lot of history together in that bed and while it is just a piece of furniture, that history needs respecting in our minds. When I have a room of my own then I will create my own history

The bottom line is that it should be discussed with the wife and then with the girlfriend. If it needs to be all three then so be it. End of story. Why it would become an issue is beyond me, I would have a hard time with anyone who thinks that they are not good enough because they aren't allowed to sleep in my marriage bed... red flag, what next? Would she get pissed off because you have to end a date early because you child needs you? If this is a real concern, perhaps the poly you are achieving is different than hers.
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  #27  
Old 06-24-2010, 12:33 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
I don't know that it needs to be a three-way conversation, though, but I'm not sure if that was what YGirl was suggesting. I will say that if I was the girlfriend, I'd find a "no bed" rule pretty strange, but, you know, people are often pretty strange.
I realize it could have come across as though I was suggesting a 3-way "meeting"... Of course, they could do that if they wanted to.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I have been with Mono for over a year and a half and the only time he has slept in our bed is if invited by me and Nerdist. we have a boundary about anyone other than us sleeping in our bed. We had a lot of history together in that bed and while it is just a piece of furniture, that history needs respecting in our minds. When I have a room of my own then I will create my own history

The bottom line is that it should be discussed with the wife and then with the girlfriend. If it needs to be all three then so be it.
End of story. Why it would become an issue is beyond me, I would have a hard time with anyone who thinks that they are not good enough because they aren't allowed to sleep in my marriage bed... red flag, what next? Would she get pissed off because you have to end a date early because you child needs you? If this is a real concern, perhaps the poly you are achieving is different than hers.

I was thinking that he should ALSO ask the girlfriend if SHE feels comfortable sleeping in the "marriage-bed" (if the Wife says "OK"). If someone thought of and referred to their bed as the "marriage-bed", then that to me suggests that it is their own sacred, private place. If I were the girlfriend, I'm not too sure I'd be comfortable fucking someone in their sacred, private place that they share with someone else... But that's just me.

OTOH, I wouldn't be too crazy about getting a hotel room, either. Don't you folks have another bed in the house you can use, or perhaps invest in a futon or air mattress for use as your "marriage-bed" with the girlfriend? (not redpepper, the OP)

Although, perhaps if you TALK ABOUT IT, you will find that neither of the ladies have a problem with it. They might ask you to change the sheets though. I think that's fair.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-24-2010 at 12:39 PM.
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  #28  
Old 06-24-2010, 07:41 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I would think anyone who had a problem with the sanctity of a bed or space that is special to a couple is suffering a bad case of the toddler's syndrome; Me,me,me, why,why,why.
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  #29  
Old 06-24-2010, 08:56 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Mono,

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I would think anyone who had a problem with the sanctity of a bed or space that is special to a couple is suffering a bad case of the toddler's syndrome; Me,me,me, why,why,why.
Hm. This strikes me as not only strangely dismissive, but also kind of unimaginative.

Like, if I was dating someone who told me that they had a sanctified piece of furniture, and that because that piece of furniture was sanctified that we couldn't have sex on it, I would definitely want to ask questions about that. It suggests a view of the sacred that is pretty far from mine, and also suggests that there's something about having sex with me that is profane, both of which I'd want to do some discussion around.

As I said earlier, I think it's odd to have rules about specific pieces of furniture, but people are, you know, quirky. If someone just straight-up said, "Date nights are Thursdays and every second Saturday, we need to always use barriers, and we can't use the bed" I'd shrug that off as a quirk. But if someone starts getting into this religious stuff around 'sanctity', that starts sounding like a much bigger deal and maybe even potentially problematic.
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  #30  
Old 06-24-2010, 09:03 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
Mono,



Hm. This strikes me as not only strangely dismissive, but also kind of unimaginative.

.
It is dismissive. This type of issue seems so petty to me that it baffles me.
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