My Wife is Poly in Denial

[ourquad]

This was posted on a swingers forum as well. Where he was told that their relationship wasn't well enough, strong enough to withstand swinging. Nor was it a poly relationship.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by ourquad

This was posted on a swingers forum as well. Where he was told that their relationship wasn't well enough, strong enough to withstand swinging. Nor was it a poly relationship.

What this exact thread? Same title?

[Rocsolid]

I would like to chime in on this I'll be real short. I agree that your relationship doesn't seem to be strong enough for swingin'.In the ten years we've been doing it i've seen many couples trying to fix their marrage with swingin' but just makes it worse you already have comunication problems and both poly and swingin' are based on trust and openness(is that a word?).I do have a suggestion if you all are determined to stick it out. try open marrige for a bit "let it go if it comes back its ment to be kinda thing" but have her tell you whats going on each and every time.I've tried this before the stories from her can be a big turn on and it can open the door to communicating .also she can get the thrill of messing around without lying or any of those others you mentioned.
no matter what you do it has to be right for both of you and fill the needs of you both.

[SayYes]

Originally Posted by Quath

She does not sound poly to me because poly is based on open communication with full knowledge and consent of all parties. She is not even on the swinger side of the spectrum since that involves trust as well.

It seems she gets her thrills from cheating itself. Agreeing to be non-monogamous may only be treating the symptoms. I would be more worried that she is self-destructive and does things on purpose to hurt the relationship.

It seems like this might be an unpopular opinion, but I've always imagined that many people who cheat *are* wrestling with the fact that they're poly. I never had long ongoing affairs before my marriage was poly, but I did become involved in a few short-lived situations with friends over the years, and things had definitely started to develop between my now-boyfriend and I before my marriage was non-monogamous. I had been upfront with my husband for years that monogamy was not really right for me, and he was completely unwilling to consider any alternative. I never sought out other men, and I fully accept that things I did in the past were wrong, but at the same time, they were very much born of the fact that I was poly and struggling very hard not to be and on a few occasions I failed. I'm not by any means saying this is right or acceptable behavior. But I imagine there are plenty of poly people who are trying to repress their feelings who end up making these mistakes, just like many gay people who try to force themselves into straight marriages often end up having affairs.

[Quath]

Originally Posted by SayYes

It seems like this might be an unpopular opinion, but I've always imagined that many people who cheat *are* wrestling with the fact that they're poly.

I have heard of several poly relationships starting out from an affair. However, I have seen cheating done in open relationships as well. One of the first couples I met who were somewhere on the swinger/poly spectrum had a very open relationship. Their only rule was the other person had to be informed before or after if they were going to have sex with someone. The wife told me she caught her husband sneaking around to have sex and tried to hide it from her. He just kind of got off on the cheating aspect of it all. Being honest about it made it less exciting to him.

[ourquad]

Originally Posted by redpepper

What this exact thread? Same title?

Different title an as an unregistered user. I'll send you the link privately if you'd like. I probably shouldn't have mentioned thus at all and if I'd had been thinking properly I doubt I would have.

[rpcrazy]

I don't have a whole lot to say that others haven't said. I think you'll find the general consensus is wide spread of your issue to people to have and haven't posted.

Ma grrl rpepper said the most important that I feel needs to be emphasized...

The first lesson in poly is to love yourself and she doesn't. She can't possibly love others without that.

So i'll reiterate it.

She needs to learn to love herself. Loving yourself is the complete and utter approval and acceptance of who you are in the world. The void she feels inside isn't filled by the "stability" she's found in you, or the "passion" she finds with these other guys. She feels void because she doesn't love who she is. She may not even know who she is to begin with.

We spend so much of our time waiting to be loved, hoping love will find us, searching, yearning for that special love. Feeling empty and lost without it. Wanting someone to give us love and fill us up. Unfortunately, that’s not usually how life works. You will draw to you exactly what you create in life, and what you believe you are worthy of. So loving yourself can create love in your life. When you expect love from an external source, and someone or something does not fulfill your void and fantasy's, then you will feel worse than before. Love may come for you. However if you are mentally unstable in the insecure sense, you may not handle the relationship correctly and you will lose it. The love and admiration is meant to be shared. Not a greedy fill for your personal issues; and personal issues are abundant.

She needs counseling...done deal. When she deals with her own baggage, you guys can evaluate if you can really be with each other or if you should move on.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Quath

It seems she gets her thrills from cheating itself. Agreeing to be non-monogamous may only be treating the symptoms. I would be more worried that she is self-destructive and does things on purpose to hurt the relationship.

I get the idea that she isn't just after the sex, or even just after other relationships. I get the idea that she's addicted to the thrill of the forbidden. I don't see how actually doing poly relationships or open or swinging would solve that problem, as the knowledge and consent involved won't provide the same thrill.

My hallucination, of course, and the only way to find out would to be via serious therapy.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

I get the idea that she isn't just after the sex, or even just after other relationships. I get the idea that she's addicted to the thrill of the forbidden. I don't see how actually doing poly relationships or open or swinging would solve that problem, as the knowledge and consent involved won't provide the same thrill.

My hallucination, of course, and the only way to find out would to be via serious therapy.

So this raises a question, what do you do with people who love the thrill aspect of it? Is there any way for that to have its place without hurting anyone?

Perhaps that's some of the motivation between DADT agreements? Two partners who love the thrill of cheating and have found a way to have the secretive affairs without breaking the promises of their marriage...

[AutumnalTone]

I think that could lead to open arrangements where those involved don't want to know about outside liaisons. I'd say that sort of thing would be the way to handle folks who want the thrill of the hidden.

I also had a thought that maybe she's hooked on NRE and simply bounces from fling to fling to get it. The makeup period between flings could also provide some of that feeling, too. The love of the NRE, however, doesn't explain the continued pretense of monogamy and cheating, though I suppose that could be driven by guilt.