Do you feel free to state your desires?

I am a member of a closed V, and recently we did an interesting exercise that brought forth all kinds of feelings, as well as huge steps forward. I wanted to share that experience here and end with a question for you.

We each wrote a list of our desires for the family as a whole, for ourselves, and in a relationship with each of the other two members. It was scary because each of us put "out there" our innermost desires.

I didn't realize how scary it was to state your true feelings, unedited. In the past I might have said, "I am not going to state that because I know it won't work for us" or "That sounds stupid" or "That makes me look really selfish."

Stating one's desires also makes us vulnerable to have those desires rejected.

As we read off our desires in the different categories, it was clear that 90% of our desires matched up very well! And those that didn't, we found ways of compromising through loving negotiation.

For me the exercise was also reassuring that I was in a healthy relationship, that my voice (even though I am the newcomer) counts equally with theirs.

So, in your relationships, do you feel free to state your desires? Do you feel you have the right or freedom to negotiate? Are you an equal? Do your desires have equal weight with others?

Just curious about the responses.

Absolutely.
But then, there hasn't been much restriction in this department.

Where this has been most encouraging is in seeing how much Bloom's self-esteem has improved in the time we've been together, especially since opening up.
I spent years keeping my attraction to other people under wraps because she measured her self-worth by how little attention I payed anyone else.

Since opening up, we've not only been FREE to openly express attraction to others, we've ENCOURAGED each other to do so.
...especially since she's accepted her heteroflexibility, so not only can we express attraction to others, we can both be attracted to the SAME PEOPLE.

Hi Wisp,

Re (from OP):

"So, in your relationships, do you feel free to state your desires?"

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Up to a certain point. Sometimes I "pick my battles." Other times I just try to pick the right time to state my desire, and the right way to state it.

Re:

"Do you feel you have the right or freedom to negotiate?"

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My companions are always respectful towards me. That doesn't mean they always agree with me.

Re:

"Are you an equal?"

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We think of all three of us as being equal.

Re:

"Do your desires have equal weight with others?"

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We try to keep it that way. It doesn't mean all desires will be equally accomodated at all times, of course.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

There are some that I'm well acquainted with and I state those without hesitation.

Example: I believe that I am happiest with some living space that is my own, and mine alone. I had to live without that for a long time. To the point where I sometimes wonder, if I'd had my own room to make my own and retreat to when I needed it, as my ex had in his "man cave" if I'd have maybe been a lot happier and maybe things could have worked out differently.

There are some needs, simple ones, when given their due they make all the difference.

And life goals that I am aware of, I'll speak to anyone about, if they are my own.

When my desires (life desires) possibly involve another person's cooperation, I ~might~ be a little circumspect for a while, but not for long. But I introduce those ideas gently and with every opportunity to find out if my partner(s) are not on the same page.

Then there are sexual desires, and it has been painfully difficult for me to open up enough to discuss those. I'd made steps forward in that direction in some respects, but recently took a step back. It all comes down to who I trust and feel very safe, on various levels, speaking those things to.

And then there are many desires that I haven't fully figured out what exactly I want...it's a work in progress...and while I enjoy talking about them, I sometimes worry that people will take those words TOO seriously when in fact I'm not only uninvested in the outcome, but unsure of the desire.

My two Significant Others and I all have families which made stating hopes and desires not ok to varying degrees. Thus we often have trouble learning to communicate in positive open ways. For going on 3 years I have grumped at fate for forcing me to do so much dang personal growth. Stupid fate. Though I do get two wonderful guys out of it!

Leetah