Tale of woe and need feedback.

T

TR72

New member
Hello.
This is my first post and it may be long.

I have been married for 13 years.
About a year ago my wife and I opened our marriage to casual sex.

Almost immediately she went on a business trip and had sex with a man she had met on a previous trip.
This was a long trip almost two weeks and they had sex several days in a row.
I noticed this as a pattern and objected based on our open relationship commitments which were about casual sex not relationship building.

Long story short I came to find out later that my wife had been building a relationship with this man since their first meeting.
That during the trip she stayed with him the full time and had sex with him the full time.
She cam came home and acted as if it had been a fun one time thing.

It had not.
She lied to me about his identity and continued to do business with him.
She continued her relationship behind my back.
She stayed with him on another business trip and had sex behind my back.
This all amounts to betrayal and cheating in my book.

I eventually found out.
She offered to stop seeing him.
She had never informed him she was married.
She Ghosted him for 3 months.
I suggested that she should make contact and come clean.
They spoke.
He forgave her and decided to work on a friendship.

Here comes the messy part.
Now our marriage is a wreck. There is no trust because all my boundaries and her commitments were broken.
I got to the place where I insisted she just have the romantic relationship she wanted because there was no way I could trust her not to go behind my back.
She also became suicidal due to the shame she felt for betraying me and him.
I felt cornered that I should just let her have the relationship.
I didn't want her to harm herself if I left. And I was afraid she would resent me if I used the nuclear option of leaving as a veto to their relationship.
We commenced to studying. Reading multiple books on Poly.
Reading on how to rebuild trust etc.
I pushed her also to go on a trip to see him and stay with him for a week.
I did this because I needed to see how badly this would trigger me and again its what they both wanted. Being the nice guy here is not really in my best interest. I see that.
My triggers were horrible. And I am very very resentful.

She took the trip and told me before she left that she was going to "Fix" everything.
The only boundary I set for this trip was that I didn't want to talk to her while she was gone.
I wanted to be alone with my reactions and I don't think she deserves tacit support for poor behavior.
From my perspective she is being rewarded with sex and a boyfriend by betraying me.
I have clearly stated this.
She has offered to end the relationship but again I see that she is autonomous and don't want to veto this situation.

So during the trip she broke up with him.
Though they continued to have sex for the duration of the trip.
A last fling I guess.
This to me is still cheating.
Anyhow, it crushed her, it crushed him and I'm more on an even keel but still pretty banged up.

While she was gone I did more research on rebuilding trust and what I came to discover was even though I understood it is her responsibility to rebuild trust.
There was no way to do so because I didn't know how to verify her actions.
If one cannot verify that a person is living up to their commitments then there is no way to build trust.
For me those commitments need to be directly related to the offending actions.
Committing to do the laundry and not doing it does not make me feel unloved, betrayed or disrespected. Like wise her living up to that commitment does not foster romantic trust.

Any way. I slept a bit and when I woke up I meditated.
I really have no interest in either of these people being in pain.
I don't know him
I haven't wanted to know him because I feel he is profiting from my suffering.
But I came up with what I think is a way forward.


After the break up I feel like we are all on more even ground.
I lost something, she lost something, he lost something.
I messaged my wife this morning and told her that this is what I was willing to commit to.
I would work on my sexual/romantic jealousy and insecurity for 3 months.
At that time I would make contact with her SO and begin a dialog to work towards some open friendliness.

After another 3 months I would be willing for her to make contact again and begin to build a friendship with him

I asked her to commit to 6 months of no contact while she poured energy into rebuilding trust by becoming completely transparent in all her actions and communications.
So I would have total access to her computer, phone, etc.
I don't know how this would work for trips but we aren't there yet.

I don't know where we will go in the time after that.
I am not opposed to Poly.
I am not opposed to my wife having a boyfriend.
I am opposed to being manipulated into it.
This whole experience has been a very acute lesson in power, coercion and betrayal.

I know that poly transition from cheating is rarely successful when its all the same players.
I have not found an example of it working actually.
If anyone has please refer me to it.
I would like peoples feed back on my plan.
Any help we can get to rebuild trust and move forward would help.

thanks in advance.
I look forward to the feedback.
 
I can understand why your wife's actions would upset you and damage your trust. I think your feelings are valid.

I honestly don't really know how to provide feedback for this because, like you, I am also wary of how well this will pan out given the events you describe here. Poly relationships work best with open communication, and that's exactly what hasn't been happening in your relationship. I understand that the next several months are meant to provide transparency and rebuild trust, and I just want to emphasize that frank and honest communication must continue past that if the relationship is to survive.

For me, a poly relationship is only possible with trust, honesty, and constant, consistent communication to ensure that all members are on the same page. The fact that all three of those things are in the process of repair for your relationship... well, it concerns me because it sounds like you're beginning on a fractured and shaky foundation.

Some things I'm wondering (which you aren't obligated to answer - I'm more musing aloud):
Have you and your wife talked about what you each want from the relationship between the two of you?
Do you both want to continue the relationship and, if so, what is the driving factor for that, for each of you?
Are your needs within your relationship compatible?
And what about this other guy? He needs to be an informed member of the relationship if you do plan to enter into a poly relationship. What are his needs in this relationship?
What boundaries do you each need in this poly relationship?

These are hard questions, and it's an uncomfortable conversation to have. But it's necessary if you want to move forward, whatever the direction, and know what everyone's expectations are. And it's a conversation you should revisit regularly to make sure everyone is aware of what the others are thinking and feeling.

I don't know that I've been of much help, but I hope that some others here can chime in.
 
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It seems like an obvious thing to say, but rebuilding trust is going to take time and commitment from all involved parties. I am worried that what you are planning will result in more of a big-brother complex than a rebuilding of trust. I understand that you are looking for a way to verify what she will be telling you. Having the desire to have access to everything after what you have been through is completely understandable; however, you having to take it upon yourself to review her actions and communications doesn't really rebuild trust as much as it reinforces your need to have access. IMHO, it will act more to hinder your ability to trust her because you will develop a need for verification rather than an openness to accept what she tells you at face value.

I do not feel that I know enough about either of you or your relationship to offer a suggestion beyond considering seeking the assistance of a professional counselor. Couples counseling may offer another avenue by which you can obtain the verification that you clearly feel you need while not making it a crutch. I am sorry that you are in this situation and I hope that the two of you can rebuild the trust that has been lost.
 
I am sorry you deal in this. Nobody likes cheating. :(

Sounds like she lied to him about being married and to you about wanting casual sex. I'm not sure how either you (husband) or him (BF) would be eager to engage with her (sloppy hinge) in a "V" situation without serious trust building.

You can state what you need to work on that trust and it seems you have.

Now it's up to him to state what he might need on his side of the V, and she has to figure out if she is both WILLING and ABLE to do the actual work.

I don't know if this might help you guys any...

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

You might think about a poly friendly counselor also.

She also became suicidal due to the shame she felt for betraying me and him. I felt cornered that I should just let her have the relationship.
Click to expand...

The correct thing to do when someone is suicidal is to call and get them help. Even 911 if you don't know other numbers.

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/someone.aspx

http://www.helpguide.org/home-pages/suicide-prevention.htm


If she's using suicide gestures to manipulate you into doing stuff... that's not right. I hope you get that cleared up.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you all for the feedback and kindness.
I have typed out two responses and the browser has backpaged twice and lost them.
I can't do a third.
I take everything said to heart and will consider them.
I hope my marriage can be a success of a transition from cheating to poly with the same partners.
I have read the external link before joining the forum.
I know that this success is rare if not a unicorn.

All of us have committed to the plan.
I will update as we go.
Thank you all again.
It is nice to not be alone in this.
 
Make sure when you sign in, you click on the "remember me" button. Otherwise you time out in 10 minutes and lose your post.
 
Now that I won't loose my work I will try to address a few of the things that have been said.

I will call my wife The Dragon from here on out.

Both The Dragon and I have communicated extensively and as clearly as we can.
I have been honest.
I don't know about her, but I have to take on good faith what she says.
Trust right?

We both want to be married and want to stay married for our natural lives.
She doesn't believe in divorce and I have no interest in loosing this marriage.
We have known each other almost 25 years and are one another's best friends.
Although, admittedly she has been an unskillful and poor friend recently.

I have read many articles on relationships especially poly ones once this situation arose.
I have a quibble with the idea of needs vs. wants.
And would appreciate a little clarification.

I really have no interest in being big brother.
I don't like in any way that it has become my responsibility to check up on The Dragon in order to get back to a level of trust where we can both work towards feeling loved and being happy.
But I want to make extremely clear.
Extremely clear.
From everything I have read by professionals on relationships and that is it is not my responsibility to trust my wife once betrayal has happened and trust has been undermined.
It is her responsibility to rebuilt that trust!
I cannot force myself to trust a person who has proven they are untrustworthy.
They have to demonstrate that they are trustworthy.

This is what is suggested by anyone who works negotiating any sort of a commitment.
Whether business or personal.
What it takes.
Both parties must be equal. If one has more power than the other then there is no way to negotiate or trust. Because the more powerful party does not need to be trusted to get their way.
Negotiations of commitment begin in good faith.
That is fine when there has been no breach of trust but after a breach of trust the offended party can't just go back to good faith that would be unhealthy and illogical.
One party has proven through deed that they will breach trust to get what they want.
If that party is contrite and wants to make amends and rebuild trust they have to accept as a consequence that their commitments have to be verified.
In some instances all business deals function this way.
That's why there are Audits.
To make sure everyone is doing what they agreed to.

This is why I have asked for the commitment of transparency.
I don't want to be my Wife's keeper.
But I want, in respect to what is possible, to know that I am safe in my relationship.
As far as boundaries and needs are concerned I think that is healthy and legitimate.
I have the right to be safe in my relationship and know my relationship is safe to whatever extent in can be in a changing world.
We all have to have some sense that the relationship will be here tomorrow. Other wise what is the point in making an effort?

I have no intention of keeping a continuous eye on The Dragon that is why there are negotiated time constraints on my commitment.


I appreciate the external links and read the one post on transitioning from cheating to poly with all the principles remaining.
The author says its impossible.
I was wondering if anyone else had seen success from there.

I am not opposed to my wife having a boyfriend.
I am willing to work on my jealousy which is really tied to romantic sex.

At this point they are broken up and not in contact.
That gives The Dragon and I room to work on our relationship.
Which is what should when the cheating came to light.
I felt powerless and coerced to be part of this V so I went with it going so far as to facilitate it.
That is my fault.
It caused more pain that it should have.

Moving forward I hope to build a friendly relationship with her SO and in the least move to a place where there is enough trust that they can be friends while still keeping the health of our marriage.

I know this may not be possible.
But it seems better than ending it.

Also if someone could tell me how to multi quote highlighted parts of answers that would be awesome.
I couldn't figure it out.
Thanks again for just being here.
 
Also if someone could tell me how to multi quote highlighted parts of answers that would be awesome.
I couldn't figure it out.
Click to expand...

Copy and paste what you want to quote. Then do one of these

1) Highlight all the text you want set apart as a quote. Then click on the "cartoon speaking bubble" icon. It's the last one in the line of buttons in your reply window.

2) Highlight all the text you want set apart as a quote. Manually type [ quote ] at the beginning of the text and [ /quote ] at the end. But with no spaces between the bracket and the "quote" words.


We both want to be married and want to stay married for our natural lives.
She doesn't believe in divorce and I have no interest in loosing this marriage.
Click to expand...

What behaviors would be behaviors that help support a healthy marriage? What would be deal breakers? Are you both on the same page there?

I see that neither wants to break up, but coming at it like "Divorce is not an option" can lead to that "trapped" feeling.

I felt powerless and coerced to be part of this V so I went with it going so far as to facilitate it.
That is my fault. It caused more pain that it should have.
Click to expand...

Can you trust yourself to say "No, thank you" and not go along with things/be manipulated into things in future?

I think it is better to remember that a marriage or any other relationship is a participation thing. And remember how to participate in healthy, respectful ways. It is an ongoing care thing, not a one time thing.

Once you start looking at it as a possession thing like "I have this marriage" or "I have this book" or "I have this table".... it can become easy to take for granted.

And it could become easy to stay in an unhealthy situation just to "not loose" the marriage. That thinking puts (keeping the relationship shape going) first instead of putting the (health of the people) first.

Have all parties apologized? Are all parties on the same page as to who owns/does what in this healing/transition time?

What behaviors is Dragon willing to do to demonstrate that she has become trustworthy again? And for how long does she have to do them consistently before you agree to trust her?

Galagirl
 
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What behaviors would be behaviors that help support a healthy marriage? What would be deal breakers? Are you both on the same page there?

I see that neither wants to break up, but coming at it like "Divorce is not an option" can lead to that "trapped" feeling.

Honesty, clear communication, kindness, support in life's endeavors and during emotional upheaval.
These are supportive of healthy marriages.
Deal breakers are cheating, stealing, abuse both mental and physical and we are both on the same page.
We have had a very good stable relationship up to this point.
This has come out of left field.
Even according to her for her.

She is opposed to divorce. I am not.
I have been married and divorced once.
To a serial cheater who I gave a year to clean up her act and she was unable to.
But in the situation as we had it my only power was to end the relationship. There was no equality once boundaries had been undermined. Now there might be.
I hope there is.

Can you trust yourself to say "No, thank you" and not go along with things/be manipulated into things in future?
Yes I can. I was coerced because of threats of self harm and because it seemed like the damage was done and if I wanted to stay in the relationship I had to accept this new dynamic.
The self harm things seem to be resolved.
And the power balance is back as I have said earlier.

Have all parties apologized? Are all parties on the same page as to who owns/does what in this healing/transition time?

What behaviors is Dragon willing to do to demonstrate that she has become trustworthy again? And for how long does she have to do them consistently before you agree to trust her?

I do not know what happened between her and her SO other than them breaking up.
I assume she apologized to him.
She has on numerous occasions apologized to me.
She owns her actions and casts not blame nor responsibility on me.
I did in fact do nothing wrong here.

Her SO did not know she was married at the beginning. Once he found out he still wanted the relationship.
I know he knew it created problems in her marriage but by her account he also acknowledged that the marriage came first.
Does he owe me an apology. IDK.
Will I inform him once we start to speak of the coercion I felt, yes I will.
I don't know if he is aware of it or her threats of self harm.

All parties have agreed to the timeliness and commitments.

Dragon has become completely transparent, while the sex happened on business trips the relationship and communication was all done digitally.
So I have access to all of her digital communication for a while. That will probably extend into their platonic relationship.
I have no interest in spying on them if we are all comfortable with them moving forward to something more.
I'm not interested in projecting that far.
The work is here and now.
Right now there is no them.
There is just this marriage and the work to rebuild it.
She has committed to no contact for 6 months and no contact after that if I feel I cannot handle them having a relationship.
I am making contact with him in 3 months to try to build a human, friendly connection and then after 3 months hopefully they can make contact on a platonic basis.
She is to keep her commitments and not lie etc.
As far as putting a time line on when I will trust again. I think this is impossible.
I am willing to trust.
I am willing to open again and be burned.
The timelines are there to make sure this is not open ended on my part and forces me to work and her to work.
I could have made it open ended and used that as a pocket veto.
I won't.
Plus
 
Re (from TR72):
"I have a quibble with the idea of needs versus wants. And would appreciate a little clarification."
Click to expand...

What clarification about needs and wants are you seeking?

Re: transitioning from cheating to poly with all the principles remaining ... is hard, sometimes impossible, but I don't want to go so far as to say it's always impossible.

Re:
"Also if someone could tell me how to multi quote highlighted parts of answers that would be awesome."
Click to expand...

The way I do it is, I write {quote} then paste whatever I want to quote then write {/quote} ... only with square brackets [] instead of curly brackets {}.

I think there might be another way but the above exhausts my expertise.

Sorry you have been going through a very painful time. :(

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
What clarification about needs and wants are you seeking?
To me a need is something one must have to survive.
I need food, shelter, clothes, etc.

If, as is stated again and again in this forum and many others, if no one can actually make us happy. That this is solely our responsibility.
Where does the idea of someone meeting your needs really come in.
I want my relationships.
I want specific people who I have common interests and a moral connection.
That their morals are somewhat aligned with mine.

I want my marriage with my wife.
I can survive without it.
I don't want to survive without it but it is not a need.
I need The Dragon to live up to certain domestic and financial commitments while she is in this marriage.
If she didn't it would make our domestic life impossible and our circumstances would have to change.
But this cannot constitute a personal need.
I need a house.
I don't need this specific house with this specific mortgage payment.

So when we talk about one or more Amours meeting someones needs are we really talking about needs or wants?
This is where I would like a clear definition of what Poly people think are needs and what they think are wants.
Or are these words being used interchangeably?
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
TR72 said:
So when we talk about one or more Amours meeting someone's needs are we really talking about needs or wants?
This is where I would like a clear definition of what Poly people think are needs and what they think are wants.
Or are these words being used interchangeably?
Click to expand...

This is getting pretty meta.

As a mammal, I need oxygen, shelter, water, and food. Those are the basics if you are stranded on a desert island.

As a human, I have a biological sex "drive." We are full of hormones that make (most of us) crave sex. We can get by by masturbating, or even just having sex dreams that lead to orgasm, but most of us are "driven" by our hormones to want sex with another human being. Unless we are very sick or pre adolescent or very old, we seek to satisfy this drive. In some people, it is a very strong drive.

Humans are social beings. We survive better in groups. So I'd say, for most of us, social contact is also a strong drive. People put in solitary confinement in prison suffer greatly. We crave contact, and we crave the recognition and approval and cooperation of our peers.

As a lactation specialist, I know that humans and gorillas learn to breastfeed their young by observing other mothers doing it. Left in social isolation (like some apes in confinement) they do not succeed at breastfeeding, and the offspring can die from lack of nourishment. In our bottle feeding culture, many women have babies without ever seeing another mother breastfeed. They generally do not succeed at breastfeeding unless they seek out other mothers to guide them in how to do it, physically modeling it, and also socially supporting them in continuing to do so.

Other than that, everything else is more of a preference than a need, I guess.

We might be using the term "need" rather loosely, when it's more like a preference. I prefer to have a variety of sex or love partners. When I don't have the freedom to seek that, I feel incomplete. Some of us may cheat, some make do with just seeing others naked and sexual in porn. Some people think using porn to masturbate is cheating on your partner.

Polyamory is a "new" way to have multiple partners while still remaining ethical.

Why do people cheat on their partners or spouses? There are entire books written on that topic. Is one on one marriage an unnatural institution? Is it driven by the patriarchy? Is it merely driven by a woman's drive to nurture and protect her young? Is it driven by a patriarchal male's desire to raise only his own biological children? (But then what of adoption? What of the naturally occurring prevalence of homosexual people who help raise other's children because their sexual preference does not lead to biological offspring?)

Led by brain chemistry, we do pair bond, but does that mean we must choose one person in our late teens or early 20s to have sex with, and remain faithful to for the next 60 or more years, until one of us dies? Some research indicates that humans are meant to have multiple sex/love partners. Sex at Dawn is a very interesting book on that topic. There is evidence from prehistoric research, and from research on other large primates, that we are forcing ourselves unnaturally to pair bond with only one person forever, and it isn't realistic or particularly healthy. Maybe there would be less wars if humans had social approval for sexual variety. Maybe we should all be making more love with more people, instead of blowing each other up. Could our thwarted sex "drives" be leading to unnecessary violence, at a basic level?

That's about as far as I can go with philosophical musings right now.
 
{quote}What clarification about needs and wants are you seeking?{quote}
Click to expand...

You almost got the quote. Just that the last one needs that slash to close it. {/quote} --- but use the square brackets rather than curly when actually doing it. I had to change to curly to get it to show.


There is just this marriage and the work to rebuild it.
She has committed to no contact for 6 months and no contact after that if I feel I cannot handle them having a relationship.
I am making contact with him in 3 months to try to build a human, friendly connection and then after 3 months hopefully they can make contact on a platonic basis.
She is to keep her commitments and not lie etc.
As far as putting a time line on when I will trust again. I think this is impossible.
I am willing to trust.
I am willing to open again and be burned.
The timelines are there to make sure this is not open ended on my part and forces me to work and her to work.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you both agree to this specific plan. Is there a time limit for how long to keep trying it? I assume you don't want to keep at it with no progress for 5, 10, 50 years right? Will you guys be attending counseling to help heal from the cheating?

"I have a quibble with the idea of needs versus wants. And would appreciate a little clarification."
Click to expand...

To me? If you want to get basic about it, "needs" are things I must have. Not just for my physical well being but for my emotional health or mental health. They are deal breakers. I need safety and honesty in my relationships. I'm not going to keep trying with someone who turns out to be an abuser. That is not safe. I am not going to keep trying with chronic liar. There's no honesty.

If, as is stated again and again in this forum and many others, if no one can actually make us happy. That this is solely our responsibility.
Where does the idea of someone meeting your needs really come in.
Click to expand...

Every person develops their personal standard for how they want to be treated based on what they value. Hopefully the people they choose to hang out with meet that personal standard. One can certainly request changes in behavior. But if they don't modify behavior and it cannot be resolved? The person chooses to walk away and seek better company.

I need The Dragon to live up to certain domestic and financial commitments while she is in this marriage.
If she didn't it would make our domestic life impossible and our circumstances would have to change.
But this cannot constitute a personal need.
I need a house.
I don't need this specific house with this specific mortgage payment.
Click to expand...

To me it sounds like what you need from her there is follow-through on her word, some integrity. Not so much the house itself, but the ability to believe in her word when she makes commitments. If you decide you value and need integrity in your relationships for you to feel happy in them? Then I think it IS a personal need. (Your personal needs are the needs above mere "survival needs." )

"Wants" are things I would like, but could compromise on. I usually want to go out on date nights. But if the other person wants to stay in, I could compromise and take turns going out and staying in on date nights.

If you need some kind of list to help in communication with your spouse, perhaps this one helps you guys figure out what areas need work.

https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

It is not enough to merely "survive" your marriage. I would hope that you "thrive" in it.

Galagirl
 
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TR72, there's really just so MUCH to go into here.

My advice would be stop stop reading, & actually find some sort of face-to-face mediator (therapist, relationship coach, whatever) you can both meet with regularly, probably for a couple dozen sessions, or you're likely to chase this in circles for years & get nowhere.

I do some landscape work. When I see a diseased section of hedge, I don't figure that trimming off the dead leaves is going to solve anything, merely minimize the ugliness. If I prune back the dead twigs, maybe the healthy stuff will cover it up... if there's not some disease spreading through.

Often, the best solution is to bite the bullet, accept that it's gonna be ugly for a few months, & remove the bad section, roots & all.

That takes care of the threat of recurrent rot... it clears the soil for healthy roots to expand... it goves more water & air to greenery that soon enough fills in the gap.

I'm afraid that much of what you're presently doing is equivalent to spraying green paint on dead foliage -- & not even a convincing color.

In my prayers.
 
Hi TR72,

You're almost there on the quoting feature, just remember it's "quote" when you open the quote and "/quote" (slash-quote) when you close the quote. If you use
and
to open and close the quote (without the slash-quote to close it), the forum programming won't recognize it and will disregard it.

Re (from TR72):
"So when we talk about one or more amours meeting someones needs are we really talking about needs or wants? This is where I would like a clear definition of what poly people think are needs and what they think are wants. Or are these words being used interchangeably?"
Click to expand...

What is a need and what is a want are somewhat debatable matters around here. I would say that most often, when you encounter the word "need" on this forum, it describes not only physical needs (necessary for survival and perhaps for physical well-being) but emotional needs as well (necessary for emotional survival/well-being). If emotional needs are not met we are prone to suffer and act dysfunctionally to compensate. We can partially adapt but overall we are worse off, it is a matter of hard-wiring.

A want is just a preference. Sort of like a bonus. It makes life easier for us if our wants are met, but if they're not met we can fully adapt and be okay. One has to decide whether to insist on any one certain want. One can decide to make it a deal breaker.

A need is more likely to be a deal breaker, and maybe it should be a deal breaker.

That's how I understand it, anyway. Heck when it comes to private notions, I would tend to define a need far more rigidly. Who says I "need" to survive? Life will go on without me. Who says humanity needs to survive? Who says the planet Earth needs to remain intact? Perhaps the only real needs are laws of the Universe. I need to travel at less than the speed of light for instance. Anything less is just a want, at least that's how I like to define it.

However, when I'm reading and posting on the forum, I tacitly agree to use the more popular definitions. [shrug] It is what it is.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Sounds like you both agree to this specific plan. Is there a time limit for how long to keep trying it? I assume you don't want to keep at it with no progress for 5, 10, 50 years right? Will you guys be attending counseling to help heal from the cheating?
Click to expand...

The time frame at this point is a 6 month commitment.
I'm sure we will discuss this at the 6 month point and move forward from there.
No counseling as yet.
We live in a small rural area and would have to do some sort of skype counseling to find a poly friendly counselor.

Things at this point are calm.
We are only a few days in but We are friendly and kind. Hanging out and checking on each others well being.
Time will tell.

Thanks everyone for their feedback on needs vs. wants.
I will chew on them.
 
Sounds like you're doing the right things so far.
 
TR72 said:
We live in a small rural area and would have to do some sort of skype counseling to find a poly friendly counselor.
Click to expand...
Right now, in my estimation, there's a choice you need to make, possibly THE most important. You need to establish priorities. Pick one:
  • nonmonogamy
  • your marriage
Your relationship has been hit by a truck. It's momentarily stable. Rather than getting it to a hospital, you're making vacation plans.

Set aside ALL notions of sexytime with other people, because you are both on a toxic state, & your thinking is significantly impaired. When you figure out how you two managed to get so deep in the bog, AND get yourselves extracted, AND can ensure that a repeat performance is highly unlikely, THEN maybe you can move into responsible nonmonogamy.

And now is NOT the time to look for a doctor that'd approve of your vacation plans.

:(
 
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TR72 said:
I know that poly transition from cheating is rarely successful when its all the same players.
I have not found an example of it working actually.
If anyone has please refer me to it.
Click to expand...


I've been reading this thread in fits and starts and mean to go back and re-read it in its entirety...but you asked for an example. If you want to you can read of my experience in my "Journey" blog here - the "Jackassery" section starts at post #21. In my story I was the "cheating" partner...

And you might want to read my post...
Trust Broken...and Re-Built

That was 5 years ago...:rolleyes:
 
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