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  #21  
Old 06-19-2010, 05:56 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I think this is an important point.

It's easy to love someone when you have no responsibilities together.

When a couple has to deal with each other's shit, knows how bad it smells, and still chooses to love each other and work on the relationship, that's when you know you really have something valuable.

So maybe it would be helpful for those of you whose husbands have other, carefree relationships, to remember that even though it's no fun to do the dirty work, you're the one he's spending his life with, putting up with your shit (because you know you have it too), and coming home to at the end of it all.
Thank you SchrodingersCat - this is the point I was trying to get across. You did a much better and more succinct job of stating it. MG has not and most likely will not get to know 2rings at the level that I do because of our shared experiences as husband and wife. Does this take away from the love that they have? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Have they had a drama-filled, tough first year of their relationship? Yes. Does she love him enough to stick around? Yes. So I do know that they love each other and want to make this work. My point is the experiences that him and I have are monumentally different than the experiences that they have had.

I often get criticized because I tend to look at the negatives of this situation. I think as a mono that is pretty normal. This site helps me to see that there are other monos out there that are having the same experiences - and that THEY understand what I am going through. We all want to be understood. However, I often read the blogs and posts of polys - because I do want to learn more about this and understand how 2rings and MG are feeling. We come from two different ways of thinking and two different perspectives. Instead of criticizing or getting frustrated because someone sees things differently - we should try to have empathy and sympathy for each other and what we are experiencing.

My husband is my life. I have no regrets for marrying him, having children with him or staying in our marriage while accepting his poly lifestyle. But it is hard. It is a huge adjustment. It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days things are good and some days things are bad. I am doing the best I can to learn about this and to be accepting of this. I am not progressing at the rate that 2rings and MG would like - but I have come a LONG way. I am proud of myself even if no one else is.

Thanks - Kat
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Last edited by KatTails; 06-19-2010 at 06:09 PM.
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  #22  
Old 06-19-2010, 08:41 PM
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I am proud of myself even if no one else is.

Thanks - Kat
I'm not just proud of you, I'm blown away by your strength in this!
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  #23  
Old 06-19-2010, 09:14 PM
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Default This is probably going to get me skewered

and I am honestly not posting it for the sake of being provocative (or as Z says, I'm not being a troll) but.....I think some poly relationships could be a form of cheating.

Being out in the open doesn't necessarily mean it isn't cheating just that you have the guts to tell your partner. Leaving a relationship because your partner wants to add another party isn't an option for many of us. If you love your partner, you don't want to lose them and you want them to be happy. There are also all the financial and family issues holding you together.

Cheating is a horrible word, maybe I should replace it with "avoidance"? in a big relationship (no practical label: e.g. marriage, long term, committed etc.) both parties are responsible for the life that has been built. If that means that because of children, work, financial pressure or whatever, you have lost or are challenged by the ability to be as intimate, passionate and present in the "now" as you would like; to then go and find that which is lost or difficult, with another person, is surely avoidance at best or at worst a form of cheating?

Sage

Last edited by sage; 06-19-2010 at 09:31 PM.
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  #24  
Old 06-19-2010, 09:23 PM
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One of several or many things you're leaving out of this portrait is the real possibility that a new partner experience can bring freshness and vitality and enhanced loving into an existing partnership experience, Sage. I've experienced that, so I know it can happen.
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  #25  
Old 06-19-2010, 11:24 PM
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Thumbs up definitely!

Thanks for that river and I'm not saying that it can't. I have actually found that in my own experience. But I do think it is something that needs to be looked at, especially with all the feedback I have received in this thread. Being Poly does not make us immune to cheating or avoidance.

Z (who isn't one for too much in-depth relationship thought) came up with the idea that he can't be with his other, emotionally or physically unless things are right with us first. That gives me a lot of reassurance that he wont take an escape route if there is something that is difficult going on with us that needs sorting.

Sage

Last edited by sage; 06-19-2010 at 11:35 PM. Reason: focus
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  #26  
Old 06-19-2010, 11:27 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Through my own jealousies I have realized that I have a tendency to do too much and then feel resentful about it. I am trying to let go of a lot of the domestic stuff that I have been conditioned and conditioned myself to believe is necessary.
Great self observation.

Its a weakness in me too. Apply it to anyone I am trying to hold onto or impress and I put more of myself into it and then have reciprocal expectations...which is actually where my personal resentment comes from.

I either need to stop being so...giving (wrong word but can't thnk of anything else) or...stop expecting the same in return

I opted to stop the expectations. I wouldn't be me if I didn't give myself...
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  #27  
Old 06-21-2010, 07:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
and I am honestly not posting it for the sake of being provocative (or as Z says, I'm not being a troll) but.....I think some poly relationships could be a form of cheating.
*giggle* colour me provoked!

Quote:
Being out in the open doesn't necessarily mean it isn't cheating just that you have the guts to tell your partner. Leaving a relationship because your partner wants to add another party isn't an option for many of us. If you love your partner, you don't want to lose them and you want them to be happy. There are also all the financial and family issues holding you together.
If I may interpret, it sounds like you're saying "feeling trapped" does not constitute "giving consent." A spouse might say "I'm going to do this, and if you don't like it, get out" and you might feel that you can't get out, but you sure as hell don't support his behaviour.

I was raised very independently, and even though I am not currently financially independent, I can't imagine myself in a situation where I couldn't leave. If I were to up and leave my husband, I would be slightly screwed for a while, as I found a job and housing. My standard of living would go down several orders of magnitude, and I could forget about finishing my degree any time soon. I think it's unhealthy to allow yourself to be in a situation where you couldn't get out if you wanted to. I would hate to be the spouse of someone who was staying with me only because they had to, not because they wanted to.

Quote:
Cheating is a horrible word, maybe I should replace it with "avoidance"? in a big relationship (no practical label: e.g. marriage, long term, committed etc.) both parties are responsible for the life that has been built. If that means that because of children, work, financial pressure or whatever, you have lost or are challenged by the ability to be as intimate, passionate and present in the "now" as you would like; to then go and find that which is lost or difficult, with another person, is surely avoidance at best or at worst a form of cheating?
As I see it, cheating is all about the consent of your partner(s), not your motives for doing it. Whatever your reasons for going out and getting another relationship, and they may or may not be good reasons, it's only cheating if your spouse says you're not allowed.

I feel, personally, that staying with someone when you know they're in another relationship, constitutes consent. Again, this is because I can't imagine myself in a situation where it was impossible to leave. RedPepper is the perfect example of someone whose life is completely tied up with another person, several in fact, and she's one of the loudest proponents that you can always leave any relationship if you want to.

After a spouse has announced they're going to have other relationships, I get the impression that many partners decide that they love that person enough to stay with them even though they're doing this really hurtful, painful thing. Those are just the people who end up here, looking for support as their poly spouse explores the lifestyle. Obviously there are others who say "to hell with that" and hit the road.
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  #28  
Old 06-22-2010, 03:52 PM
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SC- great post...very succinct and great example!
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  #29  
Old 06-22-2010, 07:16 PM
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Default Pain-body stuff

I was trying to reply to SC"s post while reading the post about Eckhart Tolle (over in the spirituality section)and my pain-body got activated big time. In the end I just had to leave it. Even now, the next morning I feel it all coming up again. The pain is around leaving a long term relationship, which is what i did, and believe me the reality of it can be a lot heavier than you would ever think if you haven't done it.

When I say cheat what I mean is that I think it's cheating if you avoid dealing with things in one relationship because you have another one you can take refuge in if the need arises. An example of this could be if you have a hefty domestic load which is a stress in relationship A and seek refuge from that in relationship B, without making an effort to address the stresses in relationship A.

Sage
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  #30  
Old 06-23-2010, 04:06 AM
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Hope things are better today
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