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  #141  
Old 06-16-2010, 02:53 PM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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Default An article on Jealousy & therapists

I'm going through the mono-to-poly hell right now with my primary so I'm doing my best to help him work through his emotions before we lose each other, and I came across this article from a counselor who gives methods of how to cope and how to understand jealousy. I found it really informative and wanted to share

Also, does anyone know of any poly friendly therapists in the tampa bay area? I found this directory
http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp//main.php?groupid[]=5
and then this therapist.
http://www.thelovebirds4u.com/
anyone ever use them? thanks! And here's the jealousy article.

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/P.../jealousy.html
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  #142  
Old 06-17-2010, 08:31 AM
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Default Thanks for sharing

It's a good article, thanks for sharing. Can jealously ever completely eradicated do you think?

Sage
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  #143  
Old 06-17-2010, 11:00 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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It's a good article, thanks for sharing. Can jealously ever completely eradicated do you think?

Sage
I'm not sure whether it's ever truly "eradicated".
But what happens is that it's recognized, understood at a deep level, and dealt with accordingly.

It's kind of like working out too hard at the gym. The first time - you pull a muscle. You're on your back for a week ! The next time you feel the pull. You have learned more about the muscles in your body and what their limitations are.
You back off ! You don't want to, but you know the outcome if you don't.

The more this repeats, the sooner you see it coming. It becomes second nature to back off and move to something else. A better outlook and way of handling things.

GS

PS: I also like the article. It gave some very simple straightforward explanations and some good, concrete steps you can take to minimize the impact in your life.

Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 06-17-2010 at 11:08 PM.
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  #144  
Old 06-18-2010, 03:07 PM
joyfulgirl26 joyfulgirl26 is offline
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totally with GS on the jealousy thing and the gym metaphor. in fact, i'll use a yoga metaphor...which i do a lot, as i am a yoga geek and have found that yoga has taught me gobs about how my mind works.

if there is a pose that you really HATE in yoga (and i don't mean it hurts you, i just mean it's uncomfortable or you've been working on it for a long time and you're frustrated with it), it means that it has something to teach you. instead of avoiding it, or trying to eradicate the feelings it brings up, force yourself to examine WHY you have those feelings. discover what makes you uncomfortable about it.

are you scared? go out on a limb and try it...worst case: you fall, you fail, you learn what doesn't work, and you try again.

does it cause pain? examine why...is it because of an old injury? are you pushing yourself too hard, too far or too fast? look for the place of balance between pushing and resting.

jealousy (like fear or uneasiness) is one of those tricky things that likes to hide its true motivations. picking it apart and addressing each individual aspect of it is where the learning lies! jealousy isn't something to eradicate, it's another opportunity to grow!

Last edited by joyfulgirl26; 06-18-2010 at 08:58 PM.
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  #145  
Old 06-18-2010, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by joyfulgirl26 View Post
jealousy (like fear or uneasiness) is one of those tricky things that likes to hide its true motivations. picking it apart and addressing each individual aspect of it is where the learning lies! jealousy isn't something to eradicate, it's another opportunity to grow!
That's very well said, Joyfulgirl! I agree completely. When the pain of jealousy arises, most of us want to run and hide, rather than to take a curious look at the thoughts and emotions/feelings which are there -- and how they are related. Just when we're being offered a great opportunity for major insight and freedom, we tend to turn away. Often blame is the method of this madness: "She/He did this to me!"

It takes courage to examine one's conditioning and habits of mind and heart. But that courage pays big. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
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  #146  
Old 06-19-2010, 09:11 AM
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Default great post

Yes Joyful Girl, thanks for the insight. I really like the way you have set out your point (yoga analogy) I have found in other areas of life that when something is painful, engaging with it more fully is a useful way to move through it but i hadn't thought about jealousy in the same way. You are absolutely right jealously, picked apart can be an opportunity for growth. I hate the pain but next time it pops up I will try and seize the opportunity to do some growing.

Sage
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  #147  
Old 08-01-2010, 11:30 AM
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Default Dealin with jealousy

I'm almost certain this is not a new question at this site. Hope I don't exasperate anyone with old ground.

Seems to me that any adult with an erotic relationship with more than one other has to deal with jealousy sooner or later, no matter how grown up everyone is. There will be problems in someone's heart, and eventually they will come out with them.

I would guess that the polyamorous work hard at overcoming jealousy, or dealing with jealousy in others. You aren't, I would guess, naturally jealous yourselves, or you have conscientiously gotten rid of your jealousy.

Is there a book anyone would recommend on the subject of dealing with your own or someone else's jealousy?

Failing that, I imagine many of you are experts or at least qualified to give advice on the subject. There is not a problem yet in my household. I'm asking for input, it's welcome here. Thanks to all.
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  #148  
Old 08-01-2010, 01:10 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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You will hear visit www.xeromag.com a LOT! It is my favorite site to go to when I have a problem that I'm not ready to share with anyone yet.
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  #149  
Old 08-01-2010, 06:50 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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I'm sure that a number of other people will give good advice or pointers to resources.

Quote:
Originally Posted by catbird View Post
Seems to me that any adult with an erotic relationship with more than one other has to deal with jealousy sooner or later, no matter how grown up everyone is.
I suppose there's a way in which that's true. Any adult who relates to another human being is going to have to deal with annoyance, embarassment, frustration, jealousy, etc. sooner or later, no matter how grown up everyone is.

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I would guess that the polyamorous work hard at overcoming jealousy, or dealing with jealousy in others. You aren't, I would guess, naturally jealous yourselves, or you have conscientiously gotten rid of your jealousy.
I wouldn't say that I wasn't naturally jealous, or that I have worked on overcoming jealousy, any more than I would say that I wasn't naturally embarassed, or have worked on overcoming embarassment.

I think that there's a really unfortunate tendency to treat jealousy as this big, scary, crippling problem, or as a curable disease. It's really not either of those things; it's an emotion much like any other. Look, it annoys me when my partner doesn't put my CDs back in their cases after listening to them. So I say "Hey, it annoys me when you do that," and put them back the way I like them. If I threw a big fit, threatened to end the relationship, or forbid her from ever listening to my CDs again, everyone would think I was acting like a jerk, and they'd be right! But we give tremendous liscense to people to act like that when the emotion is jealousy instead of annoyance.

Sometimes it can be cathartic to throw fits, I suppose, but I think that for the most part we should expect people to not act out when they're experiencing some emotion they'd rather not be feeling.
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  #150  
Old 08-02-2010, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
I wouldn't say that I wasn't naturally jealous, or that I have worked on overcoming jealousy, any more than I would say that I wasn't naturally embarassed, or have worked on overcoming embarassment.

I think that there's a really unfortunate tendency to treat jealousy as this big, scary, crippling problem, or as a curable disease. It's really not either of those things; it's an emotion much like any other. Look, it annoys me when my partner doesn't put my CDs back in their cases after listening to them. So I say "Hey, it annoys me when you do that," and put them back the way I like them. If I threw a big fit, threatened to end the relationship, or forbid her from ever listening to my CDs again, everyone would think I was acting like a jerk, and they'd be right! But we give tremendous liscense to people to act like that when the emotion is jealousy instead of annoyance.

Sometimes it can be cathartic to throw fits, I suppose, but I think that for the most part we should expect people to not act out when they're experiencing some emotion they'd rather not be feeling.
Thank you, jkelly. What you say in your post seems very sensible. I've been an actor for forty years and emotions were part of my stock in trade. For them to be so I had to get in touch with them.

Jealousy is a nasty one, though, and a dramatic one but not in any good sense. Seems like maybe it comes up when people haven't been paying attention to something big about their loved ones. And also when people have a sense of ownership they feel is lawful. Or a sense of security they think other people ought to supply.

I realize this is one-sided. Perhaps people ought to remain true to their commitments. But I am starting to think that the idea of commitment is evil. It fails to take into consideration that people are alive, are living, not robots, and we grow and change.

Hope everyone at the site is well! Y'all take care now, hear?
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communication, compassion, compersion, emotions, envy, feelings, jealous, jealousy, monogamy, poly, polyamory, possessiveness, relationship dynamics, relationship structures, relationships, respect, self esteem, unconscious

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