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  #1  
Old 06-19-2010, 12:46 AM
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Monounsaturated Monounsaturated is offline
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Default Me - New Here

..

Last edited by Monounsaturated; 08-22-2010 at 01:03 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-19-2010, 12:54 AM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Default hi !

Welcome to the board !

Sounds like you are the beginning of a new path in life.

Wether you are actually 'poly' or not,..will figure itself out in time. Keep reading, keep processing, keep talking to your wife.

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Old 06-19-2010, 01:21 AM
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Monounsaturated Monounsaturated is offline
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Default :)

Thanks - I don't know where I'm off to - sometimes I feel like I'm on a roundabout and I can't seem to get off it - but - the car still has gas, the tyres are alright and the engine isn't going to explode anytime soon - so - we go on and we learn - we've gone through so much bloody pain in the past few years - there has to be more than pain - so we read and learn and we move forward - I'm just glad that despite all the disagreements we managed to keep the lines of communication open -
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Old 06-19-2010, 02:14 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Welcome in the end all you can do is educate yourself and come out the other side with more knowledge and hopefully knowing what you want...

and as everyone knows, knowing is half the battler

Enjoy the journey
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Old 06-19-2010, 05:53 PM
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River River is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Monounsaturated View Post
... but she didn't want to be 'the other woman.' I had a brief online fling with a man that led again to an ending where I didn't want to hurt my wife.
I'm curious to know if your wife is aware of your bisexuality (or biamory, if you prefer). I have found that there are a vast number of men who have never told their wives about their same-sex attraction. Keeping this from them often feels like a terrible weight to carry, and sometimes revealing this secret is like dropping a forty pound load from one's shoulders.
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Old 06-19-2010, 07:17 PM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
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Sounds like you've got the communication piece figured out. That's a big plus, and probably part of the reason why you're still with your wife. Just keep trying to figure things out at your own pace, keep the communication going, and be true to yourself. Plus you've found some very emotionally astute people in this forum, and I've gotten lots of good advice here. Welcome!

R
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Old 06-20-2010, 09:25 PM
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Monounsaturated Monounsaturated is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post
I'm curious to know if your wife is aware of your bisexuality (or biamory, if you prefer). I have found that there are a vast number of men who have never told their wives about their same-sex attraction. Keeping this from them often feels like a terrible weight to carry, and sometimes revealing this secret is like dropping a forty pound load from one's shoulders.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost421 View Post
Sounds like you've got the communication piece figured out. That's a big plus, and probably part of the reason why you're still with your wife. Just keep trying to figure things out at your own pace, keep the communication going, and be true to yourself. Plus you've found some very emotionally astute people in this forum, and I've gotten lots of good advice here. Welcome!

R
Hi and thanks, communication has always been one of our strengths. We talk and talk and often times we're too blunt with each other.
We agreed what we were getting into before we married and I thought I was okay with the terms and conditions, but like I said in my op, I was completely inexperienced. I spent my childhood watching my parents psychologically batter each other, it would have been easier if they'd physically attacked each other. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. My behaviour hurt my wife and she's still hurting. We're communicating, trying to move forward and I'm trying to be honest with her and with myself. As regards my bi-sexuality, yes she knows about my 'tendencies.' I don't see gender, I see people, I always have. It's taken me years to accept that. Moving forward, I'm trying to be as open as possible and I don't stray. I'm happy with that as I don't want to hurt her anymore.
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Old 06-21-2010, 12:04 PM
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Today is difficult, it's a wonderful sunny day outside, the birds are singing, the red admirals are congregating on the flowers in the garden. We talk and she's angry and I want to understand the anger. I want to take away that anger, to see her happy, to see that wonderful smile, see her eyes light up, to know she's content, to know the anger and frustration she feels has somehow been resolved. I feel like a fraud, a charletan, a con-man. When we got together we were sure of what we wanted, I was sure of what we wanted. I'm still certain of my love for her, it fills me, it is something I feel from every fibre of my being. She thinks I want my cake and eat it too. I don't know how to respond to that, to reassure her that's not the case. I'm the black knight who stole the white knights armour. I'm the knight who wheedled his way into her heart and stole the keys to the castle. I find myself saying, 'guilty as charged.' The dye is cast, I cannot undo all the stupid, selfish things I've done, I cannot unsay all the stupid, unthinking, idiotic, mindbending things I've said. Just sitting here typing is difficult, sorting out my thoughts and feelings into a coherent sentence that she'll understand is difficult. I feel riddled with conflict. She feels that she was sold a three-legged horse and I fully understand that. This three-legged horse loves her to bits though. I try and reassure, I'm here, I don't want to be anywhere else. I'm unsure of alot of things, emotions buried, feelings suppressed, I'm asked a question and part of me thinks, 'if I answer this one honestly it'll just add to the pain.' At the same time I can't not answer. I see the pain reflected on her face and I feel impotent. I wish to god I could be the white knight and I know I can be, she feels that the compact is broken, shattered by lies and deceit. The thing that keeps me sane is my love for her. I know she loves me. I just hope that when this plays out, she can love me, as I am, and let me love her in return. I don't want to lose her in the process of being honest with myself.
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  #9  
Old 06-22-2010, 12:23 PM
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Monounsaturated Monounsaturated is offline
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Default My World is Imploding

I don't know what to type, what to say, how to say it. I love my wife, right now I feel like there's a hot knive in my ribs. Right now I feel like I deserve nothing. She loves me but is not in love with me. I don't' fit the bill, I don't measure up to what she wants. I want her to be happy, I want all the good things for her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to continue raise our family together. Why can't she see how much in love with her I am. I'm not monogamous by nature, when we married I thought I was. I reached out and formed other relationships with other people, connected with them on an emotional level and phone/internet sex. I was surprised and hurt that she had a problem with such relationships and it made me feel trapped. I retreated into myself, cut myself off emotionally. If you can't feel you can't get hurt right? I hurt a few people who had become close to me by my sudden unexplained actions. Right now all I am sure of is my love for my family and my absolute and complete love for my wife. She is in a terrible place and I wish to god I could ease the pain for her, wave a magic wand and take the pain away. I feel so fucking isolated, numb. She tells me she felt like this two years into our relationship and I wish she had told me, I wish I hadn't been so selfish. She wanted to end it but I convinced her to stay, I was emotionally wrecked. I begged her to stay and she stayed. I was so confused and angry I threatened suicide. I regret that now, I can't even put into words how much I regret my actions. Hindsight is great. You get to see all the things you should have done but were so wrapped up in other things you missed them. I want our relationship to work, when she clamped down on my 'other relationships' I felt hurt, I couldn't understand why. I retreated into myself. I'm repeating myself now. There has to be more than pain, hurt, anguish, fear. I cut myself off from other people because I didn't want to run the risk of allowing myself to feel. I love my wife, I wish she could see beyond the pain and realise that. At the same time I want desperately for her to be happy......

Last edited by Monounsaturated; 06-22-2010 at 12:33 PM.
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  #10  
Old 06-22-2010, 01:26 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I find I agonize the most when I am trying to hide something internally. I try to avoid feeling or showing emotion. I find the best relief for this is letting it out

Have you considered writing to her. Covering your feelings, explaining yourself. You might find you can logically explain things more clearly with written word.

Hindsight being 2020 should also teach you lessons. Fight for what you want. Retreating into yourself, hiding...thats you giving up and curling into a ball. Accept that as a temporary time to be introspective but dont allow that to rule your life.
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