Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #101  
Old 06-17-2010, 09:17 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 543
Default

For me, the NRE is fun and can be enjoyed while also remembering what it is and that it will pass. Not only will it pass, but the next phase is where the shadow work is done. As the NRE is phasing out, not only do we begin to see each other for who we truly are, but we begin to see all of the darkest parts of each other. The person who looked like a saint last week suddenly looks like the devil and that can be confusing.....and frustrating. I'm sure a lot of people break up during that phase.....just not being able to work through the conflicting images.

Have you ever heard someone say "Everything was great until we got married/moved in together and then she/he changed. From a nice person to an horrilble completely different person"

I think we can prolong that NRE for a while and it's good to do that, but it would not be smart to make a serious committment with someone until after the NRE has passed and the "true/terrible" quailities of each partner have been seen and dealt with by both people.
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #102  
Old 06-18-2010, 02:33 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,339
Default

oo oo me me!!

This sounds just like when I started dating my now-husband!

I was vehemently poly at the time. When we started getting close, the first thing I said was that I was poly and that at best, he could be my primary but I would not stop dating other people.

Then I started finding that I just wasn't as interested in the other people I was already dating.

So after the poor guy stretches his brain and heart to grasp this poly thing, I drop the m-bomb: I want us to be monogamous now. (Aside: I like that, the "m-bomb" ... and its counterpart, the "p-bomb" for poly)

Fast forward 3 years, we're married and life is great. Then I realize I'm starting to have these feelings again. I tentatively bring it up, knowing that this is how we started but then I changed the rules, and now I want to change them again. Wonderful guy that he is, he accepts that and agrees that it would be ok for me to date other people, as long as he gets the same privaledge. Well, I'm no hypocrite, "of course you can!" I say.

Sooooo, is it just NRE? Or is this the love of your life, and you just need some time to be "just the two of you" to figure out your lives and relationship, before exposing it to the challenges of poly? In our case, it was a combination. The NRE made me completely fixated on him, but in the long run, I think our relationship benefited from focusing on just each other for a few years, especially since we had enough to deal with from the rest of our lives.
__________________
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
—bisexualbaker
Reply With Quote
  #103  
Old 06-19-2010, 12:01 AM
Dragonmom Dragonmom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JellyLegs View Post
I have a question I could use some advice on from some seasoned Poly people.
I feel on some level as if I'm being dishonest with my other partners - we don't do the whole 'primary/secondary' thing. My other partners are really, honestly, amazing people; there is no rational reason that I would not want to be with them. They are awesome boyfriends. But....what do I do?
i'm not a seasoned poly person so i can't offer advice but i know 100% how you feel. I have 2 bf's, sadly both ldrs at this point. They are both at this point mono and i'm the poly. I don't have a primary/secondary as i want them both to be equals in my life. Due to the fact that Frosty is 18 hours ahead of me and Redwood's work times, 1 hour time zone difference there i find i spend more time talking to Frosty online.

Redwood has been in my life over 4 years now and Frosty just for 3-4 months, so it is for sure still nre for us. I do feel bad some times that i talk/think about Frosty more than Redwood.

sorry if it seems rambley :P
Reply With Quote
  #104  
Old 06-19-2010, 08:37 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,339
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
The question is, is it possible to get that true connection back once it has been lost?
Absolutely. A lot of relationships end due to circumstances: someone moves away, a death of a loved one makes them unable to deal with life for a while, etc. Other relationships end because the two people just aren't in the right space in their lives to make it work.

In either case, they can meet up years later when their lives are completely different, and find that the spark never went away.

After not speaking for 20 years (her family moved away when we were 8), my best friend and I realized we were again living in the same city, hundreds of miles from where we grew up and thousands of miles from where she'd moved to. We went out for coffee, and I was wondering whether we would still have anything in common. Turns out, we both grew up into almost the exact same person: same sense of humor, similar education background, same reason for being in that city. It was spooky but it felt completely comfortable and "right".
__________________
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
—bisexualbaker
Reply With Quote
  #105  
Old 06-19-2010, 11:47 PM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 149
Default

Oh... the timing of this thread is so apt right now... *sigh*
As much as I love NRE, it sure does make for some complicated situations.
I can be very impulsive which can make NRE feel like some wild animal I have to contain.
I would hazard a guess that perhaps once a relationship enters into that wonderful passionate, trusting stage when you know that you really have that connection that perhaps the temptation can be there to experience it again with someone else?
Reply With Quote
  #106  
Old 06-20-2010, 01:33 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,693
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
Oh... the timing of this thread is so apt right now... *sigh*
As much as I love NRE, it sure does make for some complicated situations.
I can be very impulsive which can make NRE feel like some wild animal I have to contain.
I would hazard a guess that perhaps once a relationship enters into that wonderful passionate, trusting stage when you know that you really have that connection that perhaps the temptation can be there to experience it again with someone else?
I feel you on this one booklady. I understand this completely. There is temptation to feel it again, but really, I have come to know that perhaps things will change far and beyond what I really want in my life and that I need to keep it in check in order to keep my balance with other loves, the one I could have the NRE with and their lives.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #107  
Old 06-21-2010, 06:51 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,339
Default

I guess if a person was addicted to NRE, she could exclusively date people she knew she wasn't compatible with, so that the connection would never form, thus ensuring that the relationship is ended upon the conclusion of NRE...

I wonder if that has anything to do with those girls who always date the bad boys. They're sexy and romantic, but they always cheat on her, giving her an excuse to dump their sorry asses without guilt... hmmm.
__________________
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
—bisexualbaker
Reply With Quote
  #108  
Old 06-21-2010, 06:58 PM
rpcrazy's Avatar
rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 171
Default

crazy chicks who love "drama" aka: NRE, who date dicks and always complain about them but have one after another after another....hrmm, sounds damn familiar.
__________________
---------------------------------------------------\\\
-"There hasn't been a person i've been with that I didn't love for 10 seconds to 10 years." David Duchovny
Reply With Quote
  #109  
Old 06-21-2010, 07:06 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I wonder if that has anything to do with those girls who always date the bad boys. They're sexy and romantic, but they always cheat on her, giving her an excuse to dump their sorry asses without guilt... hmmm.
Great observation and likely true. Like any drug, always looking for the next hit, regardless of the potential damage.

hmmmm
Reply With Quote
  #110  
Old 06-21-2010, 11:42 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 543
Default

Yeah, and what about a couple who has a fight and breaks up at least once a month. It's so traumatic......and then, they get back together and experience this incredible high again. They become addicted to the high and therefore continue a pattern of getting along for a while until bored, fighting, breaking up, time apart, missing each other, getting back together in an ecstatic state of jubilation......boredom.....etc.....
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anxiety, boundaries, children, children and polyamory, co-dependence, co-dependency, communication, compromise, coupledom, dependancy, divorce, excuses, expectations, feeling ignored, foundations, introduction, justifications, lessons, limerence, long distance, mono / poly, mono/poly, new relationship energy, new to polamory, new to polyamory, nre, nre overflow, nre timescale, responsibilities, romantacies, secondaries, secondary, secondary feelings, separation anxiety, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:44 PM.