Poly/Mono issues in a marriage
First, thanks to whoever's taking the time to read this....
So here's my story: I'm 24, married to my 29 year old husband for a little less than a year (we've been together almost 6 years, or since I was 18). I love my husband dearly and he loves me, and everything in our marriage is wonderful - except for the "poly issue." I've always felt intellectually that monogamy didn't make much sense to me and group or open arrangments seemed more "right", but meeting my future husband at 18 kinda killed my opportunities to experiment and figure out what's right for me. So I figured I "should" feel the way everyone else seems to, and embrace being a good, monogamous spouse. And I'm failing at that. I feel constrained and stifled, and like I'm missing out on interesting people who would only add to my life, not take away from mine or my husband's. I told my husband all this about 3 months ago, when I thought I was either going to have a breakdown or cheat (which I have done once, in the past, and the feeling of lying to my beloved was literally the worst feeling I've ever had). He says he doesn't think there's anything wrong with how I feel, but that he has no interest in poly, and that's that. We had this conversation again last night, because I'm trying to keep an open line of communication on this - I told him 3 months ago that I love him so much, and I would just try to keep doing monogamy and see how that goes, but it's not going so hot. I feel bad when I have feelings for someone else because I know what I want to do about them, which is in direct opposition to what my husband wants me to do about them, and of course I'm doing what he wants which is predictably leading to a bit of resentment on my part (justified or not, it's there). My husband is upset because he feels that sooner or later this is going to break up our marriage, and I can't say that I totally disagree. But it tears me up to think that there's nothing else I can do - that my only options are stay and feel stifled and resentful, or go and lose the best friend and lover I've ever known, someone I share so many dreams and ideals with. I'm planning on talking with him again later tonight to see if he feels like there's any flexibility at all for us to try this as a couple, but I'm not optimistic, and if he says no I reallly don't know what to do. I love everything about my life just the way it is, except for this. I'm sure I left out some important info, if I did please just ask, but I'm really hoping someone has gone through something similar or has some advice on how to deal with any of this, 'cause I'm at a loss. Thank you!