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  #21  
Old 06-15-2010, 01:39 AM
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Strangely enough, your (b) sounds a bit like Cajun and I. When we first met there was a little NRE, but nothing anywhere close to the NRE I have felt with others before or since. Although I don't think either of us consciously tried to hold back the NRE, it just never really revved up, yet we have a stronger relationship than so many I know who have gone through the strong NRE feelings.

I also wonder if the big draw for me to an open/poly relationship is the NRE... something for me to really think about.
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  #22  
Old 06-16-2010, 01:09 PM
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Another (personal) observation...NRE doesn't necessarily "go away" just because the object of the NRE does. I'm not sure if this is good or bad but for example, that high school bf/gf that you meet up with at a reunion or something and then boom! Here comes the butterflies, the cloud 9, and all the rest. Heck sometimes all it takes is a smile from the one you thought you were "over"

So pro or con?
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  #23  
Old 06-16-2010, 02:06 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post

I read an article on our local poly sight about monogamy lowering men's libido. I have often said "for every beautiful woman out there, there is a guy bored of fucking her". I have learned a lot since then. Now I think of it more as "For every beautiful women out there, there is a guy saying I love you to her but has lost true connection with her".
this is true...and quote worthy.
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  #24  
Old 06-16-2010, 04:43 PM
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The question is, is it possible to get that true connection back once it has been lost?
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  #25  
Old 06-16-2010, 04:54 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
The question is, is it possible to get that true connection back once it has been lost?
I actually disbelieve that statement in its brevity. I think it simplifies things to much, making sex more than it is for some people.

I use an example of a poly bdsm person I "know" from another forum. He and his wife rarely have sex. They don't have a sexual connection yet love and have been together for decades. (I think close to 30 years) they have connections founded in other pieces of relationship structure.

The same man has romantic and purely sexual connections with other partners. They are all his secondaries as his first love is his wife but loves and lives with everyone. Its a full on poly household with a secondary foundation in bdsm

Quote:
"For every beautiful women out there, there is a guy saying I love you to her but has lost true connection with her"
This is just too simple, as any single statement is. Sex, lust and love...CAN all be tied together but don't have to be for everyone. In fact, some can exclude the other. Many people have sex with lust and no love. Many people have love and lust without sex (god knows why haha) There are even more pieces to a relationship of course (trust honour etc etc)

Now to answer your question, I absolutely believe it is possible. As long as you don't make every piece of the puzzle a required collective to create that connection, it can be as strong or as weak as you like.

If you do sit in your own head and say "well jeez I am missing the lust with partner a, I must not have a full connection with partner a" then you end up weakening your own relationship.

Thats my take anyways
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  #26  
Old 06-16-2010, 06:22 PM
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I guess in short I do not believe in the concept of boredom with anything you feel true connection with. I get that is how others can work, but not me.

And yes I certainly believe you can get that connection back once it is broken.

My connection with Redpepper has been diminished several times, not due to "boredom" grant it ) but I regained it everytime.

The role relationship between sex and love is very important to this topic as Ariakas touches on. A lot of this comes down to what types of relationships we find to meet our needs. Being married to someone I didn't have a sexual connection with does not fit my personal criteria to be a worth while investment in that sense, but to some one else the mairrrage may be quite fine focussed on children, general partnerships and what ever.


The biggest thing in my mind is coming to an understanding of what all the aspects of a relationship mean to each of us. That often takes time and may evolve or change but usually it will contain some fundamentally constant elements. When we get that awareness then we are much more able to give and recieve connection to the fullest extent.
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  #27  
Old 06-16-2010, 06:30 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I guess in short I do not believe in the concept of boredom with anything you feel true connection with. I get that is how others can work, but not me.
hmm I wonder if this could be chalked up to a mono vs poly thing. We don't see a loss of a connection when something is missing/bored/incapable etc (put any word you see fit in here), we see it as a different type of connection. Which can be intertwined with another persons connection...

hmmmmm...
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  #28  
Old 06-16-2010, 08:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
hmm I wonder if this could be chalked up to a mono vs poly thing. We don't see a loss of a connection when something is missing/bored/incapable etc (put any word you see fit in here), we see it as a different type of connection. Which can be intertwined with another persons connection...

hmmmmm...
I believe it could be a monogamy thing and certainly a serial monogamy thing...and a NRE junky thing.
I also agree that it is not so much a poly thing in some cases but not all. I see certain poly situations where one coupling truly seems in love but another coupling is maintained for other reasons and there doesn't appear to be any multi loving at all, just an easier road than seperation.
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  #29  
Old 06-16-2010, 09:34 PM
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Quote:
Many people have love and lust without sex (god knows why haha)
Hey! I resemble that statement!

And believe me, if I could have the sex too, I would.
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  #30  
Old 06-16-2010, 09:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post

And believe me, if I could have the sex too, I would.
You're so naughty!
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