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Old 06-13-2010, 02:29 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by saudade View Post

I'd like to elaborate a bit on other kinds of merging that happen no matter the relationships people have... There are people who are married to their jobs, and that commitment is one that a partner needs to take on willingly-- marrying an ER surgeon or a firefighter means that your spouse is going to need to leave abruptly often, .............
Exactly Saudade,

This is the kind of thing I was referring to when I mentioned that in a way - we are all 'merged' ......with something or someone! And the challenge for anyone new is to figure out how they can be part of that merger. As the person who is already merged (pursued?) you just have to lay out the picture as clearly as possible and see if the new person is willing and capable of fitting in what may be a small place at first. Over time it can grow. But it DOES take time !

I also think this exact thing is what is sometimes perceived as some age or cultural barrier. But really it's not. It's just a difference between where different people are in their lives at a given moment which can be a product of age or culture - but doesn't have to be.
Nothing is the same as it was yesterday - or the same as it will be tomorrow. Our desires and choices shape that. That is the true barrier !

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Old 06-13-2010, 09:43 PM
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geminigirl geminigirl is offline
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I'll give this a shot, since I've been in both a "merged" and "unmerged" poly situation. Currently I think I'm sort of straddling the two worlds, as I live with and am committed to my children but do not live with any of my partners.

There are different stages, as I see if, of our relationship lives -- having children and their developmental stages is an obvious part of this, and we see this in monogamous relationship developments over time as well as poly ones. I suspect that when families are young and children are small, there is more of a need for merged, even "closed" poly relationships because taking care of our young is a primary concern for humans.

As our families grow and develop, we do the same, and sometimes there is a need for "un-merging". Sometimes this has to do with the age of the people involved, but sometimes that's not a factor -- life experience happens at different times for different people.

If you have certain needs from your relationships then it's important to be able to identify and express them to potential partners. It's also important, I've found, to keep in mind that change is going to occur on many levels.. our families will mature, our partners' needs will change, and our own as well.

I know that's not very concrete advice, but it's really the best I can offer from my experience. If I'm not always checking in with what I need and feel I tend to feel bewildered by the changes around me or get lost in them and not tend to my own needs.
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Old 06-15-2010, 05:02 PM
joyfulgirl26 joyfulgirl26 is offline
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Location: Indianapolis, IN
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great topic! this is actually the point of conflict that my husband and i are having right now. we made poly agreements when we first started dating. we dated some people (some serious, some not). then his girlfriend moved in with us and although she only lived there for a few months, i realized that i LOVED having her merged into our lives. during this time, my boyfriend was also around most of the time and i discovered that i really REALLY liked having more than 2 people in the household.

fast forward 6 months: girlfriend has since left the picture and after a series of progressively worse and worse breakdowns from my husband, it has come out in therapy that he can't really handle any kind of "merging". he wants us to just date people and starts to become very uncomfortable if signs of them start creeping into "our" life together. we are currently in therapy to determine if there's a way around this conflict, since my boyfriend was still pretty integrated into our lives (boyfriend has since taken back his cat and all the "stuff" he had at our house in an attempt to help my husband through this). depending on the extent of our differences on this point, we may end up splitting up.

so yeah. i'm a merged person. i like having someone or someones who i'm merged with, i like seeing them merged with other people to the extent that it's possible. it makes me happy and supported, like everyone is working together as a team (assuming things are going well!).
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Old 06-16-2010, 03:21 AM
amoremme amoremme is offline
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Default You HAVE to merge...

Of course all relationships, especially those that come about in later years have to find a way to merge out of old thinking into new. I don't think I can understand how people in poly relationships can establish and maintain a healthy, respectful union if they are finding partners that are not likewise already "merged" together?
For example: If I meet a man who I am interested in, that accepts the idea that my husband is my "primary"- how can expect him to merge into a relationship with us and possibly someone my husband has met with the same respect I have for my husband? Obviously the first attraction was me, so, wouldn't that be his agenda? For me, the only way a poly life can work is for two already established (or six) couples to mesh- being already merged in some sense... does that seem to hold true for most people?
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Old 06-16-2010, 03:50 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Amoremme, I don't think what you are saying holds true to everyone. Mono came into the life I have with Nerdist and I and us into his and he was single and is monogamous. I think it depends on your experience and maturity of everyone involved. Where you are at on your poly journey and what you want comes into play also. Where you are in your life is important to what comes about. I don't think that means everyone will be in a space where they are in a merged couple first. It can vary greatly.

I have friends that are doing just fine starting from the place of being single coming into poly because they like their own time and like having LDR's that they find deep connection with when they are with them and in the contact they have in the mean time. All valid yet un-merged for them. Even if their partner is merged with another. Perhaps they have been merged before and understand how it can change a person?
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