Looking For Advice/Thoughts

[SeekerOfTruth]

Hey again everyone. Over the past few days, I've talked to some more people and have come to the resolution that what everyone has been saying here is the truth. I've come to realize all the problems she has, and that in all of this I have been the one suffering the most harm. I don't have a single doubt anymore about the rightness of my situation and the wrongness of hers, and for that I am extremely grateful to every person on this forum. You helped me get here over this past week, and because of it I am a stronger, wiser, more mature person.

I recognize that the right thing to do for my own happiness is to end this relationship as soon as possible. I don't deserve to be treated the way I have, and I have put up with it for far longer than I should. But I still very much love my girlfriend, despite all of this, and I want her to be happy. I recognize the truth in all these things, but I have seen the good person inside her...the sweet loving person that I fell in love with in the first place, and I know that she's still in there. I want so badly to do something to help her, even though I know that continuing a relationship with her is not what I should do.

If am to end things, is there anything I can do to try and help her other than to end it in a short, simple message? I want to go through each of her problems and struggle with her until she recognizes them, but I realize this is a terrible idea. Is there nothing I can do for her? Again, my thanks to everyone who has responded here, you have been a universe of help.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth

If am to end things, is there anything I can do to try and help her other than to end it in a short, simple message? I want to go through each of her problems and struggle with her until she recognizes them, but I realize this is a terrible idea. Is there nothing I can do for her? Again, my thanks to everyone who has responded here, you have been a universe of help.

Write her a letter, detail it all but don't leave it open for discussion otherwise you'll end up in a never ending cycle. The debate will be endless. Be strong and be firm.

Take care
Mono

[redpepper]

The best gift anyone has given me over the years has been their honesty in the form of caring and respects for my feelings. There have been times when people have been harsh and I have found what they had to say hard to swallow, but when what people have to say to me that is hard to hear is surrounded with love and concern for my well being I have eventually come to the realization that I can't fault them for telling me what they honestly think is my issue.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. I'm rooting for you... I already love the confidence in the sound of your last post. Good for you!

[rolypoly]

Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth

I don't deserve to be treated the way I have, and I have put up with it for far longer than I should.

I've learned that no one can make us come to these realizations and decisions - we need to come to them on our own. And finding resolve within yourself is a huge step. It takes self-love and courage, so congratulations.

Originally Posted by SeekerOfTruth

But I still very much love my girlfriend, despite all of this, and I want her to be happy.... <snip> ....I want so badly to do something to help her, even though I know that continuing a relationship with her is not what I should do.... <snip> ....Is there nothing I can do for her? Again, my thanks to everyone who has responded here, you have been a universe of help.

Sometimes helping isn't about doing. As someone who has ended more than one relationship that were, for lack of a better word, abusive (un-empowering, demoralizing, not loving), I've experienced that taking care of my (your) self first is absolutely #1. At the very least, you can help by setting the example as someone who is doing an act of self love. She can follow by caring for herself and making positive changes in her life.

You can't change anyone else. All you can do is stay true to yourself and stay in your own "light".

There are people that I still love very much but don't speak to out of respect for myself. I tend to see the beauty in everyone and see the potential in everything and love accordingly. I've accepted that sending them loving thoughts can be enough. They are on their own path.

Good luck.

[SeekerOfTruth]

Well, I had the final conversation with her last night. Spent six hours talking to her about all the things she had done wrong, and she managed to provide apologies and agreements to about just every point I brought up. Still, while I listened to her words and was happy to hear that she was willing to apologize to the people she'd lashed out at as a consequence of our situation, I ultimately still told her that our relationship could not continue and that things were ended between us. It was by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life, and I'm already wondering whether or not I should have given her another chance. Still, I'm fairly certain I did the right thing, as difficult as it was, and right now my best friend and I are going through the conversation and pointing out how she -still- was attempting to control the conversation and manipulate me, which makes me feel better about my decision.

It's been a long ride, and I know I'm still going to have to suffer through a lot of hurt over being broken up with her. Still, I do sincerely believe that this was the right choice, and that I made it of my own volition from every bit of information I had available to me. Again, everyone here has my utmost thanks for all the advice and wisdom they have provided me with through this ordeal. With it I was able to make an appropriate choice on how to proceed, and though it hurts now I'm certain I will look back in the future and acknowledge it was the right one. Thank you SO much for your help with all of this, I cannot express how much it has helped me to grow and learn to respect myself better.

[MonoVCPHG]

All good to hear my friend ..stay strong and be healthy.

[redpepper]

good for you you seeker... hope time moves you to heal quickly... *hugs*

[Breathesgirl]

may you find the happiness and health yoi deserve.

good luck.

[SchrodingersCat]

Yay! Congratulations on your freedom...

I know you want to help her, but I think you need to understand your limitations. You cannot "make her see" how she is treating other people if she is not willing to see for herself. Her letter, full of excuses and rationalizations, was proof enough that she is not at a point to see herself as she truly is.

You're really not in a position to help her right now. After what she's done to you, your personality and strength, you're barely in a position to help yourself.

Spend at least a year taking care of yourself, boosting your self-esteem and showing yourself how awesome and valuable you are as a person. Then you'll be in a stronger position to help her, and without the vulnerability you feel now.

[rolypoly]

Good for you, Seeker of Truth. Sounds like you found some "truth" in all this.