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  #81  
Old 06-14-2010, 07:04 PM
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I'd say the relationships doesn't "usually" end unless it's meant to be so. Depends on the people, co-dependecy issues, being able to live and make decisions honestly.

A common scenario which I will make hypothetical:
Objectively, (like as far as the universe is concerned), 2 people get together and normally they would not work romantically. PersonA finds 2~3/10 things that they like in a person, in PersonB. PersonB finds 7/10 things that they like in a person, in PersonA. In NRE those things are amplified multiple times. PersonA thinks PersonB is AMAZING...often can't really explain it and feels it's something magical. PersonB feels the same thing, but is able to voice his/her opinions more accurately "for some reason". Eventually, when NRE dies out (2 weeks - 6 months) it could go either way.
1. break up because of a defunct relationship
2. break up because of a tip in balance, emotional issues, life goals etc.
3. break up because the feelings are just simply gone
4. stay together because of loneliness issues
5. stay together because a mutual harmony has been reached(love, good communication)
6. stay together because of complex obligations(kids, etc)

5 is the rarest, however all of these conclusions can merge with each other. A lot of times the relationships starts with NRE, turns into #6, and then eventually balances into #5. It really all depends on the people.
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Last edited by rpcrazy; 06-14-2010 at 07:06 PM.
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  #82  
Old 06-14-2010, 09:38 PM
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I have something to add that is not a pro or a con, but a realization that I came to for myself. That is it is important to keep ones distance and wait for it to die out. Otherwise a whole lot of drama can ensue because emotions run high and the ones in NRE can become aggrivated.
I remember feeling this way with Mono and have felt it when Nerdist is in love. No one could tell me I was over reacting that's for sure.

Yup, waiting it out and going with it seems to be the best bet. The change comes for the other when its settled down and there is a chance to get to really know the new person in their regular state. At least that has been my experience this far.
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  #83  
Old 06-14-2010, 11:04 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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But RP...those moments in the beginning of a relationship can really create a great bond. I am thinking of when i was single. Those times when the hormones are racing, everything around you seems a blur, the rush of blood through the body...Its an untouchable tangible feeling that is unique to each merging.

I admit, it has lots of downs, and that is where controlling it, or tapering it, is key. But to hold back and wait for it to die out, I would think would have two affects

a) make it worse once you meet up like a balloon slowly filling with air, when you meet up it finally pops...
b) you miss out on the good of nre and possibly end up not having any connection beyond the friendship (ok this isn't ALWAYS bad, but I hope you get my meaning) Sometimes the NRE is a bond that can create the beginning of a relationship.

I 100% agree once a connection is made, that is wonderful and amazing btw. But those moments in beginning are so unique per connection that I personally would hate to loose that. I sometimes truly treasure those moments when I think back on relationships.

Very interesting perspective RP
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  #84  
Old 06-15-2010, 01:39 AM
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Strangely enough, your (b) sounds a bit like Cajun and I. When we first met there was a little NRE, but nothing anywhere close to the NRE I have felt with others before or since. Although I don't think either of us consciously tried to hold back the NRE, it just never really revved up, yet we have a stronger relationship than so many I know who have gone through the strong NRE feelings.

I also wonder if the big draw for me to an open/poly relationship is the NRE... something for me to really think about.
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  #85  
Old 06-15-2010, 04:00 AM
JellyLegs JellyLegs is offline
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Default Is This Just New Relationship Energy?

I have a question I could use some advice on from some seasoned Poly people.

I've been polyamorous for quite a while now, and have had a number of different partners (one of those have been constant the whole time).

I met someone new recently and I'm feeling something I haven't felt before.

I'm feeling a decided preference for this one person; a longing to be with them that in all honesty is stronger than my desire to be with the others. Sometimes I resent the time I'm spending with the others because its not with him...

This feeling has been plaguing me for a while now; I can't seem to shake it.

How do I know if this is just 'new relationship energy', or there is a more fundamental issue here? How long would you wait to see if that 'new energy' wears off?

I feel on some level as if I'm being dishonest with my other partners - we don't do the whole 'primary/secondary' thing. My other partners are really, honestly, amazing people; there is no rational reason that I would not want to be with them. They are awesome boyfriends. But....what do I do?
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  #86  
Old 06-15-2010, 01:22 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think NRE lasts about 6 months. It can last longer if you rarely see each other. Your results may vary.
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  #87  
Old 06-15-2010, 01:37 PM
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First off, relax.

There may be something to it, but as you are right to question, it could just be the NRE. I have had a similar experience and after the NRE wore off, I still have that strong feeling of connection but the need to be with him all the time has worn off.

If you are worried that you are neglecting your other relationships, talk to them. Find out what they think and feel. They may be very understanding that you are dealing with NRE or they may be hurt in which case you do need to take a step back and work on those relationships again with the knowledge that it can make your new relationship even better.

Good luck!
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  #88  
Old 06-15-2010, 06:00 PM
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I agree.....6 months to 12 months would be the average NRE length. Again, depending how much time you spend together. You didn't really give us very many details at all, so we don't have much to go on.
There are a lot of really awesome people here and you can get a lot of really good feedback. There is such a wide variety of people here that it's difficult to made assumtptions.

Some of the basic things that you might want to share are:

Your age and the ages of your partners.
Your gender and the genders of your partners.
You said. "I've been polyamorous for quite a while now".....What is "quite a while"? Is it 1 year, 10 years, 20 years??
You've been knowing this new person for "quite a while now"....how long is that? 2 months, 1 year, more???

This info might help people get a feel for who you are and be able to respond better !!!
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  #89  
Old 06-15-2010, 07:52 PM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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to add my 2 cents. I feel it's all NRE. But only time will tell. I don't know how close you are with your boyfriends...however, in my opinion for the nre to go over smoothly there need 2 be compromises.

#1. You boyfriends and you need to talk about how they need to prepare for a relatively decent loss of time, as you are going to want to spend a lot of time with this one guy
#2. Because you having alot of feelings for you awesome boyfriends, you need to give some slack to them and allow them to express whenever they feel they really really want or need some time with you. And it falls upon to you to muster up the mental strength to give your individual relationships all you can while you mind is going over and over how awesome this new guy is.

This way I feel all is balanced, and as such you get the spend the extra time with this new guy and develop that relationship however you see fit. Maybe it might develop into a monog, maybe the energy might die down a lot. It's best to live truthfully in these situations so everything can go about in a natural flow.
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  #90  
Old 06-15-2010, 07:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JellyLegs View Post
I'm feeling a decided preference for this one person; a longing to be with them that in all honesty is stronger than my desire to be with the others. Sometimes I resent the time I'm spending with the others because its not with him...
In my experience, relationships often start out with everything going ridiculously smoothly, with everything coming up roses..., until the inevitable point at which the parties involved begin pushing each other's "buttons". And buttons get pushed for years and years, and slowly they get less irritating--but it involves work, and the work isn't all fun. Sometimes it's decidedly NOT fun. But this is part of a loving relationship, too. The work. And the pain. The challenges.

You just haven't gotten there with Mr SmoothAndEasy yet. That's why you are tending to prefer to be with him all the dang time. But you just wait! It'll come! I promise.
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