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Old 06-14-2010, 06:31 PM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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Default BF says he wants mono, but now poly b/c I am poly

Ok, so in my NEW adventures into this poly thing, which has been my idea, my boyfriend has not really been in agreement with it. He's says he's perfectly happy with only me and would marry me tomorrow if I said yes. He's having a really hard time accepting my new secondary bf and has even mentioned the thought of deciding to end our relationship b/c he just can't handle it.

BUT then he meets a girl just this week, had her over to the house and she seems really nice. But i'm confused b/c just last week he said he wanted monogamy with me, however he says b/c he isn't going to be left alone at home stewing when I go out with my bf and now HE has someone to occupy his time when I'm out. It just concerns me b/c if I was monogamous he'd never even start talking to any other girl so it worries me that he's doing this just to keep himself distracted while I'm out. And on top of it, i really don't feel good about him having another gf, and I'm dealing with my own jealousy and anger. I had finally accepted that i'm poly, he's mono, and that's ok. I don't know why I should feel like this if I, myself have another bf. I'm trying to have compersion with her b/c already she has commonalities with my primary that I don't have with him but it still makes me jealous. Like he's a DJ and i've asked him for 2 years to teach me. Then this girl used to DJ and right away she's over here and he's showing her how to get back into it and planning when she can do a gig with him and it's like what I am chopped liver? I told him how I felt and he did apologize and I asked him that if there's EVER a girl that will be DJ'ing with him it will be ME first, especially since I work on his DJ career with him and everyone knows we are a couple in our local markets and she's not going to swoope in and steal my thunder.

But overall, i'm just concerned that he's doing this in reaction to my actions and not b/c he really does have interest in another female. I mean he does like her, but he wouldn't be speaking with her if I would get rid of my secondary and commit monogamously to him. He even said if i did that he'd drop her tomorrow.

thoughts?
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Old 06-14-2010, 07:05 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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If he's really monogamous you are in trouble....especially if this girl is mongamous as well...I'd say the writing is on the wall in that case. Why would he deal with jealousy and you having other partners if he doesn't have to? She'd be a a much easier partner to be with as far as intimate comittment goes. She could be a total head case in other areas though.

If he's not mongamous, you'll have to deal with his interests as poly is a two way street.

Move forward cautiously would be my advice...don't invest to heavily until you see what is really transpiring. If he is forcing himself to be less than monogamous just to take the sting out of you being with other guys, again you are heading into trouble.

Lots of work to do I'm afraid. Good luck my and stay healthy.
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Old 06-14-2010, 07:10 PM
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a couple of thoughts -
1) you have no choice but to trust him in what he says to you. Maybe he does like her like that, maybe not. People can change their minds, and that is OK so long as they inform SOs of these changes if they are relevant to them. Maybe he is just curious... who knows.
I think you should hang on for the ride. Let him work this out in his head. This is a great time for you to get a "taste of your own medicine" and not in a bad way - It will only help you understand each other better.

2) I am a musician. I like to play music with people. Sometimes I have close friends that know this about me and want to join in. For me - Music with people is like chemistry. It cannot be forced. Even if my BFF played an instrument that my band had been looking for for ages, I would not necessarily feel the vibe with her and want her in my band. It is a personal thing, but shouldn't be taken personally. It doesn't mean I don't still love her and that she will lose BFF status. I am not saying that is what is happening here, but it could be.
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Old 06-14-2010, 07:25 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I've run into a few people whose take on "non-monogamy" in any of its forms translates loosely as "staying with your current partner until you find something better". Unfortunately, there is some basis for this in reality. Some people DO stay in one relationship until they have a new one to replace it because they do not want to be "between relationships".

This may or may not be what your partner is doing, but you should probably sit down together, each make a list of your hopes and fears (even the outrageous, irrational ones), share your lists with each other, and see how different or alike your lists are. If you can verbally reassure each other on most of the key items, you will probably be ok. If not, you may want to re-evaluate how fundamentally compatible you are over the long-term.

Some people are "poly" or "mono" all their lives and know of no other way to be. Others are "mono" at first until they discover that "poly" is an option. Still others "experiment" with "poly" in their younger years, then "grow out of it" and "settle down". I think sometimes the "mono" partner of a "poly" person might hope that it is the last thing - they think they if they let the "poly" partner "get it out of their system", the "poly" partner will "come around" and eventually "be normal".

I put all those things in quotes because they are labels and generalizations, and there are other words that could be used to describe the same concepts. Essentially, you should figure out which one you are and which one your boyfriend is, and take things from there. Easier said than done - I realize people usually want what they already have to work out, but if you break up you can always get back together if it turns out to be the wrong decision.
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:04 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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The two things that jump out at me are:

a) that he said he would drop her tomorrow if you would go mono with him
b) that you don't like him having another girlfriend, even though you have another boyfriend

Regarding (a) that's a red flag to me. Even though this is your thread and it should be about you, I have to say that's kind of a jerky thing to do to this girl. She's probably expecting a relationship, but he's just using her to keep distracted when you're out. It would be more appropriate for him to find some other friends or a hobby to keep busy with when you're out, rather than taking advantage of that girl.

(b) is basically your issue and you need to overcome it. Fine, your boyfriend thought he was mono and so you figured you would never have to deal with jealousy etc. Well, surprise! He's not feeling so mono anymore, and you have to go through the same shit you're asking him to go through. That is assuming, of course, that he truly feels poly and isn't just using her, see (a).
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:07 PM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
If he's really monogamous you are in trouble....especially if this girl is mongamous as well...I'd say the writing is on the wall in that case. Why would he deal with jealousy and you having other partners if he doesn't have to? She'd be a a much easier partner to be with as far as intimate comittment goes. She could be a total head case in other areas though.

If he's not mongamous, you'll have to deal with his interests as poly is a two way street.

Move forward cautiously would be my advice...don't invest to heavily until you see what is really transpiring. If he is forcing himself to be less than monogamous just to take the sting out of you being with other guys, again you are heading into trouble.

Lots of work to do I'm afraid. Good luck my and stay healthy.
yes mono, I am worried. We've been living together for almost 3 years and he wanted to marry me like almost 3 years ago lol, but for various reasons i'm just not ready to do that. And now i'm telling him I want an open relationship. He has not had it easy the poor guy. If I told him today let's be monogamous and get married he'd be the happiest guy alive. But now just b/c i'm going to see a secondary, he's now getting to know a girl that HE can be with when I'm with someone. I've tried to tell him he has other options when he's alone, like going out with friends, or going into his studio, or learning a new activity, but he replies that he's never been a guy that hangs out with "they guys" and he hates just pacing around the house and he can't focus on his music. Now that he has someone to go to like I do, he can deal with it better. And yes she has never been in this type of situation and has asked me and my boyfriend lots of questions. She's resolved to just be friends with him and maybe in time the awkwardness will wear off. So I mean I can't deny him or tell him how to deal with his issues and if he chooses to be with someone else while i'm with someone else, no matter what the reason, and since she understands his relationship with me...should I even worry?

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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post

Some people are "poly" or "mono" all their lives and know of no other way to be. Others are "mono" at first until they discover that "poly" is an option. Still others "experiment" with "poly" in their younger years, then "grow out of it" and "settle down". I think sometimes the "mono" partner of a "poly" person might hope that it is the last thing - they think they if they let the "poly" partner "get it out of their system", the "poly" partner will "come around" and eventually "be normal".
Yes he has said that to me before that i'm going through a phase or whatever. I think he realizes my secondary is not going to go away and this issue may come up again if I meet someone else. He doesn't want to lose me but just doesn't know how to deal with his feelings, so he trying to ease his jealousy and anger by meeting someone else himself.

Quote:
Easier said than done - I realize people usually want what they already have to work out, but if you break up you can always get back together if it turns out to be the wrong decision.
You do have a point. It's just hard b/c we've been living together almost 3 years and if we broke up BOTH of us would have to move b/c neither of us can afford the place on our own. I could afford a small apartment (which I hate) but he needs a house with a yard to buffer the sounds from his music studio and his has a son that stays over, so a small apartment for him is NOT an option. And he does not get along with roommates for various reasons, but practicing his music, most people don't want to deal with.

So breaking up would be a HUGE ordeal. I'd have to literally start saving money NOW for move in costs, pet deposits etc etc..and he would have to uproot his life as well in a lot of ways. It's not just a simple, bye, cya later, our lives are very intertwined...i'm very much a part of his career as well and we BOTH have some local celebrity around town. Breaking up is definitely our LAST resort and neither of us want that. But at the same time, our arguments are getting worse and we're seeing sides of ourselves that we never had and it's all so very stressful.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-14-2010 at 11:24 PM. Reason: merge posts
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  #7  
Old 06-14-2010, 09:22 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emaretta View Post
And now i'm telling him I want an open relationship. He has not had it easy the poor guy.

So opening the relationship is a new thing and not how you started I guess. Open relationship is open for both..you'll have to accept that I'm afraid.
Should you be worried...yes. If he is coping by looking for other relationships even though he is not poly, I would be very worried. I thought of going that rout to cope at the beginning of my relationship with Redpepper. None of my motivations were healthy...distraction, a sense of "showing her how it feels" perhaps, but mostly it was to debase the role of sex in our relationship and essentially limit my depth towards her. Another factor that still has an impact is the external views of others. When I tell people that I am monogamous with a non-monogamous woman, they often think that there is something wrong with me or that I am somewhat of a fool who is being used. I know this is not the case in my relationship, but thier perception does hurt me and makes me hold back about some things. If he can say that he gets to have other girlfriends it may lessen the judgement of his peers. Perhaps this is a factor?

Regardless of the situation, just follow your path while he follows his and see what happens. Maybe you were meant to be, maybe not. Either way...don't rush into a marraige for sure. That is just a legal entanglement that could complicate things for now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Emaretta View Post

It's just hard b/c we've been living together almost 3 years and if we broke up BOTH of us would have to move b/c neither of us can afford the place on our own. I could afford a small apartment (which I hate) but he needs a house with a yard to buffer the sounds from his music studio and his has a son that stays over, so a small apartment for him is NOT an option. And he does not get along with roommates for various reasons, but practicing his music, most people don't want to deal with.

So breaking up would be a HUGE ordeal. .
Just a note on this. Far too many couples stay together for logistical and external reasons. Connection is the best foundation of a relationship, especially one diving into opening up. Yeah, it can be painful and disruptive to part ways but if it is better in the long run it's worth the effort. Polyamorous relationships require a lot of work in general too. Either way, there is work and struggle ahead.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-14-2010 at 11:26 PM. Reason: merge posts
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:52 PM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
The two things that jump out at me are:

a) that he said he would drop her tomorrow if you would go mono with him
b) that you don't like him having another girlfriend, even though you have another boyfriend

Regarding (a) that's a red flag to me. Even though this is your thread and it should be about you, I have to say that's kind of a jerky thing to do to this girl. She's probably expecting a relationship, but he's just using her to keep distracted when you're out. It would be more appropriate for him to find some other friends or a hobby to keep busy with when you're out, rather than taking advantage of that girl.
Actually that very same thing happened a couple of months ago. I thought that since I was seeing someone that he HAD to see someone as well so I pretty much forced him to start talking to someone. And well, he wasn't so honest about our relationship with her knowing it might scare her off and it ended up a HUGE f'ing mess to the point where I can't even visit him at his work when she is there. So he didn't want to make the same mistake and has been honest with this new girl as much as he can be. But when i first met her he actually asked me to not get into everything with her so I wouldn't scare away someone he really thinks he could like. I said I wouldn't bring it up but if she asks me, which she did, I was brutally honest. Which is why she IS weirded out a little right now and said let's just have you show me the dj'ing and be friends and see where it goes giving her time to adjust to our alternative way of life.

Quote:
(b) is basically your issue and you need to overcome it. Fine, your boyfriend thought he was mono and so you figured you would never have to deal with jealousy etc. Well, surprise! He's not feeling so mono anymore, and you have to go through the same shit you're asking him to go through. That is assuming, of course, that he truly feels poly and isn't just using her, see (a).
Yes it is...and I am working on it. I hold back my tongue and emotions when she comes up, but I did tell him that I just got used to the idea that we could have a poly/mono relationship and now all of a sudden he's talking to someone else and I know he wouldn't be if I wasn't in the first place. I've tried to tell him there's other things to occupy his time but he's never been someone who has close friends. His best friend IS his partner, so without me, he feels left alone and abandonned. He DOES want to be with me 24/7 so when he's not and on top of it i'm with another man, the only way I guess he can cope is having someone else that he can speak to on an intimate level. He said work with him on this, b/c this will only help him understand how I can be with my secondary but still want to be with him. He IS giving me a taste of my own medicine which is why i can't say too much. He was like when i talk with her, you're right...i'm in my world with her instead of obsessing over me and my secondary and letting his anger build and build. So maybe it IS a good thing?
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