Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 06-13-2010, 06:30 PM
Selkie Selkie is offline
New Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1
Default My situation...advice?

Well, to start with, my husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and been together for 3 years. When we got married, neither of us had heard of polyamory. About a year ago, my husband confessed that he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend. I wasn't surprised, or even bothered by it. I know that she still cared for him, and I thought she was an amazing person, so I told him that I was fine if he wanted to try to have a relationship with her. Then, I Googled these types of relationships, and found polyamory. I showed him what I found, and we both seemed like we were okay with the idea.

For a year, things were okay, until I recently found someone else that I am interested in. I told my husband about it. He was surprised, but said that I should "do what I want". He seemed alright with it, so I went ahead. Over that course of the next week, however, it became obvious that he wasn't really okay with it, so I put things on hold to try and figure out what I could do to repair the situation. After a month of confusion, both of my relationships seem quite broken. At first, my boyfriend was fine with what is going on. He didn't exactly like sharing, as he had never been in a poly relationship before. However, he was happy for the most part, and didn't really want anything to change. He knew that I loved my husband and didn't want to ruin anything with him, either, and that was okay with him. He didn't want to take me away or cause any problems with my husband. However, after my husband taking it so hard, threatening to leave me, and a few things much worse, my boyfriend has come to the conclusion that my husband is just trying to guilt me into staying with him out of pity or something. He is upset that I am letting him control me, because he doesn't think that my husband would really do any of those things. I suppose that the way he see's it is possible, but I don't think that my husband is bluffing.

He wants me to let go of my boyfriend. My husband asked me to never see him again. I could do that, but he wants it not to bother me at all, which I can't do. I can't control how I feel, no matter how much I'd like to. I will always care for both of them, and that bothers my husband. I can let go and go back to my marriage, but I need my husband to be able to be happy again. If he is always depressed that this happened in the first place, I'm never going to be able to move on and be happy again. And I will always have the hope that someday things will work out. I still want to be friends with my boyfriend, as I care about him. Even if we can't be together, I want him to be happy. However, that fact that I care at all hurts my husband, so it seems like no matter what I do, I hurt one of them. My boyfriend keeps telling me I should do what I want to make myself happy, but each of them being happy is what makes me happy. What I want is for our relationship to work out, me being with both of them, but if it can't then I just want them to be happy.

Also, my husband's girlfriend recently decided that she just wants to be close friends. I think that hurt him a lot, and is like the straw that broke the camels back after what we've been through.

I'm very close with both of them, which is why it's hard to let go. I don't really let people in often, and when I do get close to someone it's hard to just forget them. They both mean the world to me.

Sorry if this is a little scattered or doesn't make any sense. My writing comes out a bit like word vomit when I'm emotionally stressed. I'll be around to answer questions if you have them. =]
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:06 PM.