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Old 06-13-2010, 06:30 PM
Selkie Selkie is offline
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Default My situation...advice?

Well, to start with, my husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and been together for 3 years. When we got married, neither of us had heard of polyamory. About a year ago, my husband confessed that he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend. I wasn't surprised, or even bothered by it. I know that she still cared for him, and I thought she was an amazing person, so I told him that I was fine if he wanted to try to have a relationship with her. Then, I Googled these types of relationships, and found polyamory. I showed him what I found, and we both seemed like we were okay with the idea.

For a year, things were okay, until I recently found someone else that I am interested in. I told my husband about it. He was surprised, but said that I should "do what I want". He seemed alright with it, so I went ahead. Over that course of the next week, however, it became obvious that he wasn't really okay with it, so I put things on hold to try and figure out what I could do to repair the situation. After a month of confusion, both of my relationships seem quite broken. At first, my boyfriend was fine with what is going on. He didn't exactly like sharing, as he had never been in a poly relationship before. However, he was happy for the most part, and didn't really want anything to change. He knew that I loved my husband and didn't want to ruin anything with him, either, and that was okay with him. He didn't want to take me away or cause any problems with my husband. However, after my husband taking it so hard, threatening to leave me, and a few things much worse, my boyfriend has come to the conclusion that my husband is just trying to guilt me into staying with him out of pity or something. He is upset that I am letting him control me, because he doesn't think that my husband would really do any of those things. I suppose that the way he see's it is possible, but I don't think that my husband is bluffing.

He wants me to let go of my boyfriend. My husband asked me to never see him again. I could do that, but he wants it not to bother me at all, which I can't do. I can't control how I feel, no matter how much I'd like to. I will always care for both of them, and that bothers my husband. I can let go and go back to my marriage, but I need my husband to be able to be happy again. If he is always depressed that this happened in the first place, I'm never going to be able to move on and be happy again. And I will always have the hope that someday things will work out. I still want to be friends with my boyfriend, as I care about him. Even if we can't be together, I want him to be happy. However, that fact that I care at all hurts my husband, so it seems like no matter what I do, I hurt one of them. My boyfriend keeps telling me I should do what I want to make myself happy, but each of them being happy is what makes me happy. What I want is for our relationship to work out, me being with both of them, but if it can't then I just want them to be happy.

Also, my husband's girlfriend recently decided that she just wants to be close friends. I think that hurt him a lot, and is like the straw that broke the camels back after what we've been through.

I'm very close with both of them, which is why it's hard to let go. I don't really let people in often, and when I do get close to someone it's hard to just forget them. They both mean the world to me.

Sorry if this is a little scattered or doesn't make any sense. My writing comes out a bit like word vomit when I'm emotionally stressed. I'll be around to answer questions if you have them. =]
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  #2  
Old 06-14-2010, 01:58 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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Default

Your husband is coming off a little hypocritical in all of this. It sounds like he should really read more about poly. Your relationship with your other boyfriend does not affect how you feel about your husband. So any insecurity your husband feels noods to be dealt with at the root of the problem instead of removing a symptom (your relationship with your boyfriend).

Your husband should tru to really understand compersion and maybe talk to other poly people to help deal with his issues. Maybe find a poly positive marriage counselor?

Good luck.
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  #3  
Old 06-14-2010, 04:55 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Did your husband say you can't have a boyfriend after he found out his ex was only interested in being friends?

I agree with Quath to a point. But it sounds like your husband fell into poly because he still loved his ex which he may consider fair game because in the end we all love our exes to a point, and knowing he had that, maybe felt guilt and let you have some cake to.

He may not be poly, and you may have to decide if you are or want to be. You may have to give some room to let your husband heal from his breakup. With everything being so fresh he may need some time to process his own hurt before he can process the hurt of you having a bf. I would definitely work towards a compromise in regards to your bf, at least staying a friend. I, personally, think its unfair to give room to move and then close back in again. But you need to know your own husband and know where you can make those compromises.

Also consider this, about his depression. He may have seen something in the setup that looked like it could be the perfect setup. By his ex breaking it off his expectation of perfection could be broken. This can be quite devastating. He may need time to heal before he is chipper and happy. And you can probably expect waves of emotions too. ...
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Old 06-14-2010, 08:50 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Location: Kansas City Metro
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This situation happens often enough that it's considered stereotypical in some places: husband is enthusiastic about poly and wife is uncertain...then wife finds a boyfriend and husband freaks...husband then wants to return to monogamy while wife is now happily poly.

As for advice, I think your husband is going to need some time to grieve the loss of the relationship with his gf, so stepping gingerly for a bit seems appropriate. Beyond that, if you're happily doing poly and don't wish to stop, then that isn't much of an option at this point--he's going to have to adjust to you having other relationships whether he has any or not. He doesn't get to make that choice--that's your choice.

The idea that he would ask you to drop the bf *and not be bothered by that* is mindboggling. My reaction to that certainly isn't fit for a family publication (and I'll refrain from airing it verbatim here). That is wrong in so many ways.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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