Originally Posted by redpepper
I am not a big fan of them for myself. I need people to be around me or I just don't see the point in being a lover. I need that constant connection and find it difficult to produce that when we finally get together. It feels like a fling to me rather than a bonded connection. There is far too much daily stuff that is important that makes my relationships rich. Regardless of internet chats and time together. Its a fantasy thats produced through on-line chats for me. A fantasy that produces a fantasy when we are together. I'm just not into that I guess. There is nothing wrong with that fantasy really its just not as deep as I need. I can see how some might want a fantasy for sure.
I realize you are describing how you feel about these situations, but consider how people in these situations would see this. Fantasy belittles the relationship they may or may not have. So does the phrasing fling.
I think very real, very intellectually intimate relationships can develop LD. I read about it happening often in poly and hope it is viable. I am/was very skeptical when I read about LD relationships as I think very similarly to yourself, however i realized I was automatically belittling their relationship without consideration. This has been a small learning process for me in poly, and one that is still evolving. My expectations of a regular relationship was thrown out the window, this is just another oddity that I am not used to, that I am expanding myself into
As a physical contact lover (I am the touchy feely type) and a LDR is obviously physically limiting, but it doesn't mean it is for everyone. We all have different requirements for those things. Heck I have one friend in a LDR for 11 years now, she lives in Michigan and he lives in Ontario. It can work for some people
I guess there is something to be said for the separateness that comes from not being in each others lives when I am not together with someone, but I just don't want that. It would fizzle to friendship and possibly even nothing for me. Sure I would still love them, as I do ex lovers that are no longer near me, but I would not be able to maintain anything beyond a small ache when they are away and a confused longing for more when they are near.
I don't think I would be willing to do it. There is far too much right here, right now to invest in for me. I would have to say, "goodbye, we'll see what happens, let's stay friends and see each other when we can" if someone came along that I could be with. If someone in my life left I would likely have to do something similar. I would possibly give it a try, but there would be some major boundary changes that would end in the same result I fear.
I guess thats the beauty of being able to use the term secondary. As a secondary you have that ability to not have all of the family responsibility while also being involved with a single/multiple party. This can work for some people, I can see it as a very viable choice if all parties are interested.
Kind of like that uncle that everyone loves but isn't part of day to day life. I still love the big guy but know that he doesn't want to be there all the time, and to be honest, we may not want him around all the time.