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  #31  
Old 06-13-2010, 03:43 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am not a big fan of them for myself. I need people to be around me or I just don't see the point in being a lover. I need that constant connection and find it difficult to produce that when we finally get together. It feels like a fling to me rather than a bonded connection. There is far too much daily stuff that is important that makes my relationships rich. Regardless of internet chats and time together. Its a fantasy thats produced through on-line chats for me. A fantasy that produces a fantasy when we are together. I'm just not into that I guess. There is nothing wrong with that fantasy really its just not as deep as I need. I can see how some might want a fantasy for sure.
I realize you are describing how you feel about these situations, but consider how people in these situations would see this. Fantasy belittles the relationship they may or may not have. So does the phrasing fling.

I think very real, very intellectually intimate relationships can develop LD. I read about it happening often in poly and hope it is viable. I am/was very skeptical when I read about LD relationships as I think very similarly to yourself, however i realized I was automatically belittling their relationship without consideration. This has been a small learning process for me in poly, and one that is still evolving. My expectations of a regular relationship was thrown out the window, this is just another oddity that I am not used to, that I am expanding myself into

As a physical contact lover (I am the touchy feely type) and a LDR is obviously physically limiting, but it doesn't mean it is for everyone. We all have different requirements for those things. Heck I have one friend in a LDR for 11 years now, she lives in Michigan and he lives in Ontario. It can work for some people

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I guess there is something to be said for the separateness that comes from not being in each others lives when I am not together with someone, but I just don't want that. It would fizzle to friendship and possibly even nothing for me. Sure I would still love them, as I do ex lovers that are no longer near me, but I would not be able to maintain anything beyond a small ache when they are away and a confused longing for more when they are near.

I don't think I would be willing to do it. There is far too much right here, right now to invest in for me. I would have to say, "goodbye, we'll see what happens, let's stay friends and see each other when we can" if someone came along that I could be with. If someone in my life left I would likely have to do something similar. I would possibly give it a try, but there would be some major boundary changes that would end in the same result I fear.
I guess thats the beauty of being able to use the term secondary. As a secondary you have that ability to not have all of the family responsibility while also being involved with a single/multiple party. This can work for some people, I can see it as a very viable choice if all parties are interested.

Kind of like that uncle that everyone loves but isn't part of day to day life. I still love the big guy but know that he doesn't want to be there all the time, and to be honest, we may not want him around all the time.

Ari
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  #32  
Old 06-13-2010, 04:16 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Default Interesting thread,...

,..Firstly,... Rolypoly,..I must say I am very impressed with your writings in this thread. You sound like someone who has a very clear view of themself, and has not forgot the people around you. I hope you get everything you wish for.

Ariakas : Good points. We all need to be very careful of the slippery slope of belittling. It can unintentionally lead to dismissing others wants and wishes, simply because they are not our own wishes.

Poly is such a complicated thing some days, and it can be hard to know when we are doing such things with our words or how we phrase things. I know I can be guilty of being blunt and sounding dismissive, when really I am airing out my 'usual' feelings on a subject. Those feelings easily change when I see the evidence in front of me.


As for the actual subject, LDR works for some, and not for others. That part is obvious.

Honestly though, I think the biggest factor is the people themselves.

It`s the combination of the personalities, and how they relate, that matters most. We all know the feeling, of finding ourselves doing things we never thought was possible within ourselves, ...all for love.

It`s part of that pain in the arse thing called ' Growth'.

If it`s a good decision, it feels like the right thing to do, and we do it happily. So that we have that person in our life, in some way. If it`s the wrong thing to do, then resentment builds up, and it never feels right.
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  #33  
Old 06-13-2010, 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I realize you are describing how you feel about these situations, but consider how people in these situations would see this. Fantasy belittles the relationship they may or may not have. So does the phrasing fling.
Thanks Ari for saying this. I don't feel belittled or that RP is necessarily saying this about my relationship with her husband, but it is nice to have all sides considered. I see what she's saying and I understand that for *her*, she needs to have a constant connection. She holds her loved ones very close to her.

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I think very real, very intellectually intimate relationships can develop LD.
I do, indeed, have more of an intellectual, spiritual connection with nerdist and would like to honour it.

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Originally Posted by Superjast
,..Firstly,... Rolypoly,..I must say I am very impressed with your writings in this thread. You sound like someone who has a very clear view of themself, and has not forgot the people around you. I hope you get everything you wish for.
Wow, thanks Superjast.

I agree with what you've written. I don't have a clear idea yet of what's good for everyone, what will work. I just know I want to work towards whatever is healthiest for everyone involved.
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  #34  
Old 06-13-2010, 09:32 PM
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Well I figured if I said "I" and "me" that would indicate I was talking about myself.... I figured I would ruffle feathers by having a differing opinion for myself. *shrug* what I know about myself is hard earned and my experience only. I don't tell my story to convince or in anyway passive aggressively send a message. I tell it because it is mine, different or not. Its mine and I can only go by that.

I have had a few long distance romances that didn't work for me. We would tend to turn our connection into a fantasy and that became evident when we got together. Everyday life just wasn't the same and it became awkward. I didn't like it and would of preferred to of kept my distance in order to maintain the fantasy. One time I didn't meet the person until later and a couple of other times was because of them or me moving away.

As to nerdist and our plan to go away that never happened... We talked about it in the fall, we got distracted, roly came along, priorities changed and that's that. Its just how it is. Priorities change. There is no other thought to that. We can make other plans, but the fact of the matter is that things have changed. Its the nature of the thing and I am going with it.

There is no reason to be alarmed at my mentioning that we weren't able to go away. Everyone that enters our lives creates change and we do in theirs. They are an addition to our lives, not a replacement or a disruption, an addition. I trust nerdist and have no reason to interfer in what he does. I know what my worth is to him and know he isn't looking to replace me and our time. He has an addition in you roly and I welcome that. All will be revealed about what that means. It has revealed a difference already. There is no stopping that. We all make differences in each others lives. The point is to let it go without any judgment attached as to what it means. Let it go and wait. My time to go away with him will come, but it needs to be understood that in going away with me, he won't be coming to you. Just as in his going away to be with you means he won't be going away with me. It evens out eventually. Its just how it is. If you were here it would be the same thing. It already has been. Just in little bits. It has effected me and him that you are in his life and therefore mine. Of course it would. The notion of him going away every now and then is going to be an adjustment. One that I will work on in time.

Hope this makes sense.
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  #35  
Old 06-14-2010, 12:19 AM
Dragonmom Dragonmom is offline
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After I separated from my ex, I thought I would die. One the Christmas day of that year I was walking alone in the snow and realized I was smiling for no apparent reason...that is when I connected with myself and realized being alone can be amazing. I am my own pillar now, which gives me grounding to love with more force than ever in my life.
This so reminds me of myself. I was so dead when my ex left. Now months later i find myself walking somewhere listening to my ipod with the most rediculous smile on my face. I still can't get over how happy i am I have 2 ldrs and its nice to know i can be happy on my own and so much more when spending time with them.

Last edited by Dragonmom; 06-14-2010 at 12:20 AM. Reason: adding more
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  #36  
Old 06-15-2010, 04:19 PM
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Well I figured if I said "I" and "me" that would indicate I was talking about myself.... I figured I would ruffle feathers by having a differing opinion for myself. *shrug*
I don't see any ruffled feathers. And your perspective is very appreciated.


Quote:
As to nerdist and our plan to go away that never happened... We talked about it in the fall, we got distracted, roly came along, priorities changed and that's that. Its just how it is... <snip> ...There is no reason to be alarmed at my mentioning that we weren't able to go away.
Yep, I'd misunderstood. I feel better knowing more about how things unfolded.


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My time to go away with him will come, but it needs to be understood that in going away with me, he won't be coming to you.
This is all good.

I'm feeling a bit preoccupied right now, so I'm not answering much. But I didn't want to let this go cold.
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  #37  
Old 06-21-2010, 07:30 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Well I figured if I said "I" and "me" that would indicate I was talking about myself.... I figured I would ruffle feathers by having a differing opinion for myself. *shrug* what I know about myself is hard earned and my experience only. I don't tell my story to convince or in anyway passive aggressively send a message. I tell it because it is mine, different or not. Its mine and I can only go by that.
I think there was more than adequate usage of "I" and "me" to emphasize that this is how LDR and online relationships feel like to redpepper. At no point did she generalize about all LDR relationships, or say that they're always flings and fantasy. What she said is that when she tries them, she is unable to develop that close bond required to make them more than flings.

Just pipping up that as a complete outsider, her statement was perfectly understood as being personal and subjective, not general and objective.
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  #38  
Old 06-21-2010, 07:35 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Sorry if my point got taken as anything beyond what I intended. I was simply offering a counter point. I understood and respected these were RP's ...

I have no feathers to ruffle
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  #39  
Old 06-21-2010, 09:03 PM
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Ah! Cover up Ari! *hands him a towel* Tmi! Tmi!
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  #40  
Old 06-21-2010, 09:07 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Ah! Cover up Ari! *hands him a towel* Tmi! Tmi!
hahaha ...thanks I didn't know I left myself exposed, couldn't feel a draft
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