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  #21  
Old 06-11-2010, 03:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
My husband and I have had a ldr most of our relationship.
Thanks Derby, I appreciate you giving your experience. Yeah, I was noticing you saying recently that you're picking small fights because he's on his way soon. I can see how this might be helpful for both of you - easier for him to leave, easier for you to wrap yourself around being alone for a while.

Must be challenging with kids too. My friend back East has a hubby who fishes, so he leaves for long stretches of time. She says she feels like a single mom some of the time. I think she's brave.

Being your own best company is a good lesson in life, in general. Living alone in my cabin has taught me this. I'm very happy on my own most of the time, so having lots of space works for me. The idea that I am loved keeps me going. I don't know if you're the same way, but there's a difference between being alone, as in not close to anyone, and being on your own but knowing you matter to someone.

I wonder if there will be a time when you two can spend more time together? I wonder if it would be similar to the changes couples go through when their children move out - suddenly they have more time together that they haven't had in years.

When I think about long-distance, I start to think about life and how it turns out. Or, doesn't turn out the way we'd thought. Finding love, sharing some kind of connection with someone is pretty special in and of itself.
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Last edited by rolypoly; 06-11-2010 at 03:24 AM.
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  #22  
Old 06-11-2010, 03:27 AM
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Thanks geminigirl!!! This is incredibly helpful!

Wow, a workshop on LDR, what a great idea! Not something you see all the time. Hmm...

I really like your strategies and they seem totally doable.
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  #23  
Old 06-11-2010, 03:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Great posts Roly and Derby...makes one think, can I be happy in my own right? Real contentment in life is achieved then. Thanks for the food for thought!
After I separated from my ex, I thought I would die. One the Christmas day of that year I was walking alone in the snow and realized I was smiling for no apparent reason...that is when I connected with myself and realized being alone can be amazing. I am my own pillar now, which gives me grounding to love with more force than ever in my life. Redpepper gets that love and knows the source of it's strength. Because she knows I have myself, she doesn't ever have to fear that I will wither and die should things change. Because I am so comfortable alone I can be completely vulnerable to her which takes us to a completely different level of depth for both of us.

Is this a tangent or related?
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  #24  
Old 06-11-2010, 04:03 AM
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SC, what do you both do with/for each other to nurture your relationship since it's so distant? Do you have regular nights that you talk? Do you set time aside for each other? What do you do when you miss each other?

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone.
One thing that's important to me is to have one morning every weekend that he's home where we get to just lie around home, being lazy, spending time together without running out to do errands or meet with friends/family. There have been times where I've had to remind him of it, but he understands that it's important to me... "Happy wife, happy life"

We talk every day, usually several times. Some days we only manage one 5-minute chat, other days we talk for a couple hours. We're on a shared plan with our cell phones, so it's free to talk as much as we want, no matter where he is in Canada.

A lot of the time, we'll just both be on the phone while we go about our business. Yes, we're those uber-annoying people you see in the grocery store, headsets glued to the ear, contemplating buying one or two pounds of butter because it's on sale this week :P

I rarely "miss" him, which feels heartless to actually see in text. But our relationship has always been this way, so I guess I'm just used to it. When I miss him, I usually try to call him and if I can't reach him, I just go about business as usual. He works himself so hard that he pretty much collapses when he gets back to the camper (where he lives instead of a hotel to save money). He doesn't really have time/energy to miss me.

I'm always excited when he's on his way home and I'm always a bit down when he has to leave again. The rest of the time, I just focus on the things I need to get done. Now that we're homeowners, that list has grown exponentially and I expect I will never again run out of things to keep me busy!

Oh, and another thing I make sure we always do is have sex every time he's home, whether or not we feel like we have time or energy :P Sex is very important to a relationship, and when we miss out, I feel the ripple throughout all of our interactions. I honestly feel that "our relationship" needs sex more than "I" need sex. I'm not particularly sexual, neither is he. Even in the first 6 months of our relationship, we didn't do it all that often. Our connection was always more energy and emotionally driven than sex-based. When I was single, it was not uncommon for me to go months, even a year, without sex, without even realizing it, busy with friends and school. But our relationship needs that hormonal/chemical interaction to maintain its strength. And don't get me wrong, I fully enjoy it too!
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  #25  
Old 06-11-2010, 04:33 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Is this a tangent or related?
Completely related, Mono. Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate how vulnerable you make yourself. I learn from that. I can appreciate what it must have been like for you to leave your wife.

Yep, being alone can be amazing and it's so important to be happy with yourself. When I used to hear this, I used to hear it as "being happy with yourself is a stepping stone towards being partnered". Now I really hear it and I am happy with myself. There are no gaps anymore.

I gave up my beautiful home and moved several hundred kilometers away to be with my ex nearly two years ago now. I was 30 and couldn't bare the thought of never becoming a mother, always being alone. I fell for his story and dove in with both feet. What a lesson! Not only did it not work out, but the experience has left me rootless and ungrounded for a while now. Have I ever learned to be happy with myself!

I see now how being partnered does not make you more complete and it does not cure loneliness. Loneliness is like happiness, it's a state of mind. It's internal.

I think that having a strong sense of self and a sense of independence is needed for a successful LDR.
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  #26  
Old 06-11-2010, 04:39 AM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
"Happy wife, happy life"
Reminds me of "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".

Quote:
When I was single, it was not uncommon for me to go months, even a year, without sex, without even realizing it, busy with friends and school.
I can relate. Interesting that you say your relationship needs sex more than you do. I've never thought of it this way.
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  #27  
Old 06-12-2010, 04:48 AM
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Just wanted to share that I have made my decision and I'm moving back to where I used to live. I feel sad, afraid and also excited. This has been one heck of a year and one heck of a decision-making process!

I am curious to see how a LDR is going to work and how things will unfold. I'm really looking forward to visits and phone calls.
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  #28  
Old 06-12-2010, 05:45 AM
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Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
Just wanted to share that I have made my decision and I'm moving back to where I used to live. I feel sad, afraid and also excited. This has been one heck of a year and one heck of a decision-making process!

I am curious to see how a LDR is going to work and how things will unfold. I'm really looking forward to visits and phone calls.
Wow! So much has happened on these forums...lots of moves, life changing experiences and decision-making. All interesting to track and follow the progression of life. Hope all works out for the best Roly...very excited for you!!!
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  #29  
Old 06-12-2010, 09:49 PM
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I haven't had a chance to catch up with this thread yet. Sorry I'm such a late comer. I think I needed some time to figure out what I think about LDR's.

I am not a big fan of them for myself. I need people to be around me or I just don't see the point in being a lover. I need that constant connection and find it difficult to produce that when we finally get together. It feels like a fling to me rather than a bonded connection. There is far too much daily stuff that is important that makes my relationships rich. Regardless of internet chats and time together. Its a fantasy thats produced through on-line chats for me. A fantasy that produces a fantasy when we are together. I'm just not into that I guess. There is nothing wrong with that fantasy really its just not as deep as I need. I can see how some might want a fantasy for sure.

I guess there is something to be said for the separateness that comes from not being in each others lives when I am not together with someone, but I just don't want that. It would fizzle to friendship and possibly even nothing for me. Sure I would still love them, as I do ex lovers that are no longer near me, but I would not be able to maintain anything beyond a small ache when they are away and a confused longing for more when they are near.

I don't think I would be willing to do it. There is far too much right here, right now to invest in for me. I would have to say, "goodbye, we'll see what happens, let's stay friends and see each other when we can" if someone came along that I could be with. If someone in my life left I would likely have to do something similar. I would possibly give it a try, but there would be some major boundary changes that would end in the same result I fear.

On another note there is the fact that NRE would last longer for a person and that prolonged effect takes its toll, both in positive and negative ways. I can see how that could cause issues as well as for the person at home when a partner goes to see their LDR. I must say I am anxious about that with you deciding to move away from here roly. Nerdist has very little holiday time and money already and has already decided to go and see you rather than spend time with me at a B and B, as promised this spring. The balance will be hard to work out I think, but we will figure it out. Its always figurable. We just have to keep talking and keep at it.
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  #30  
Old 06-12-2010, 11:23 PM
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Thank you for your input redpepper. Lots to think about. I realize I'm feeling defensive and so I hope this post doesn't come across that way.

First things first:

Quote:
Nerdist has very little holiday time and money already and has already decided to go and see you rather than spend time with me at a B and B, as promised this spring.
I did not know this! And I feel upset knowing this. I have been so careful not to disrupt your lives, especially because I know that this is a huge transition time for me.

I haven't wanted my emotional upheaval to disrupt anything in your lives, which is why I've been super honest every step of the way. I've kept a lot to myself because it's mine to deal with. That being said, I feel upset knowing that he is coming to visit me rather than taking you. I don't want NRE to cloud his decisions, nor mine.

When I next talk to him, I would like to address this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I need people to be around me or I just don't see the point in being a lover. I need that constant connection and find it difficult to produce that when we finally get together.
I can definitely appreciate this. I don't personally need constant connection, in fact I'm someone who needs a lot of space. I have been on my own for so long that it would take some adjustment for me to get used to being around someone all the time. I don't find it difficult to produce a connection when I see someone after a long time.

I crave it though. To be part of a family, enmeshed, interconnected and rooted. But, I am also very careful to make decisions based on this desire. I need to take care of my health first.

Your family is already established. And being part of your family requires that any new people fit into what's already there. Yes, of course, you've all been soooo welcoming and accommodating to me. But, when it boils down to it, if I were to have a close, physical, regular connection with nerdist, I would need to fit into your lifestyle, your routines and your location.

I can't.


Quote:
It feels like a fling to me rather than a bonded connection.
I wouldn't go as far as using the word fling, for me, because fling implies there are no or few feelings attached. But, there are definitely parts of the relationship that won't develop. Interconnectedness won't happen. We will be living separate lives.


Quote:
Its a fantasy...
I'm so done with fantasy. This definitely doesn't resonate with me. Although I can see how it would seem that way. Personally, I see that I would be chasing a fantasy trying to live somewhere that I don't thrive. I would be putting so many of my eggs into one basket and if anything fell apart, I would be devastated. This is especially salient because I did exactly this a year and a half ago. And I have been having a hard time ever since.

To me, the fantasy is trying to turn this into something it can't be.

So, do I let him go and, as you say, let it fizzle as friends? Or, do he and I try to honour the connection we have and make the best of it?

I wanted to consider a LDR and wanted feedback to see how realistic it is and what it would entail. But, it's already seeming like it's disrupting things between you two and this scares me.

Of course, bringing in a new person is going to disrupt or change things, but to what degree is this ok? If me moving away is going to pull part of nerdist away, then I would rather sever it and be friends.
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