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  #1  
Old 06-02-2010, 09:16 AM
skyjewel skyjewel is offline
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As I mentioned in my earlier intro, I was led to this website by a co-member in a skydiving website that I belonged to. The suggestion was made in response to a post I made. Here's my story:

I've only had 4 relationships (including current) so far. Out of those 4, only one was with a guy and that was 10 years ago. Since I've have not felt any attraction to any other male after that first one, I pretty much considered myself a lesbian. A feminine lesbian attracted to feminine girls. I'm now 34, living with my girlfriend for almost 7 years now. We haven't been intimate for almost 3 years. We both know we have a good-but-not-great relationship. Maybe it was a mistake for both of us to settle for good & comfortable instead of seeking great & happy. Our differences seemed to have intensified over the years and we're at a point where we're both aware that it's no longer working.

About two months ago, I did my first skydive and ended up enrolling the course. Out of nowhere, I found myself instantly attracted to a male instructor. Just like that. Why now? I don't know. The attraction was so intense that I looked forward to weekends when I knew I'd be seeing his face at the dropzone. I have no intention of doing anything about it because #1, I'm still in a relationship, well, sort of, and #2, he is in a relationship and his girlfriend is a friend of mine and I respect both of them. I don't cross those lines. I'm shocked, surprised, almost mad at myself but I've realized and accepted what I it meant: I'm bisexual.

Should I just stay away from relationships after this one? Obviously, I can't be with a girl if I get attracted to guys, and I definitely can't be with a guy without thinking of girls. This is hard for me because I am non-promiscuous, I love sex but I only have sex with the person I'm in a relationship with. It will also be frustrating because I take a lot of pleasure loving a partner. I've always been the top but I've fantasized about somebody topping me. I've thought about how it would be like to be topped by a guy and how it would feel to pleasure a guy.

...And that's when somebody told me to look into this website. I've read so much about this since then. Surprisingly, I found myself wondering not only about a triad between 1 man and 2 women but also about 2 men and one woman.

For now, I'm not looking to be in a relationship until I figure this out. I'll be lurking around for a while and I'm sure I'll have a lot of questions eventually. If I can't find the answers in any of the threads, you'll be hearing from me!
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  #2  
Old 06-02-2010, 02:18 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Hello and Welcome!!
I am a 52 year old female living in the South!! The longest mono relationship I've been in was 12 years and it was with a woman. I considered myself a lesbian and created an entire social structure around that lifestyle.

In therapy, I began to wonder about my sexuality since I had dated (and been in love with) men before living with my female partner. I fell in love with a male friend. Ended the lesbian relationship and have been dating men for 11 years now.

This is my issue.......We know what a heterosexual lifestyle looks like. You enter into a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite gender. And, we know what a homosexual lifestyle looks like. You enter into a monogamous relationsihp with a person of the same gender.

But what the heck does a bisexual lifstyle look like???

My answer is polyamory !!!

I'm working things out for myself too and this forum has been a big help for me!! I am feeling hope about the future now and I get the needed validation and support here. Most of my (non-poly) friends are accepting but can't do much in the way of possitive support since the idea of poly is new to them and I'm the only one talking to them about it.
Anyway---- continue sharing and I hope you get a lot of great support here!!
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:32 PM
singtoher singtoher is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
But what the heck does a bisexual lifstyle look like???

My answer is polyamory !!!
idealist is brilliant. I really dig reading her posts.

I am very new to ployamory, but my wife has always been up front with me about her bisexuality. Having spent my whole life being heterosexual and monogamous, I didn't really get the full grasp of what that meant until recently, when we entered into a relationship with a woman who also identified herself as a lesbian. Now, seeing my wife with a man, me, and a woman at the same time is just amazing. She is so very happy... and I get two beautiful people who love me. It's also been amazing to see this woman, my goddess#2, who identified as a lesbian be fall in love with me. Love is transforming.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

peace and blessings to you!
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  #4  
Old 06-10-2010, 09:17 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Oww, my neck hurts from all the head shaking!

Quote:
Originally Posted by skyjewel View Post
Should I just stay away from relationships after this one? Obviously, I can't be with a girl if I get attracted to guys, and I definitely can't be with a guy without thinking of girls. This is hard for me because I am non-promiscuous, I love sex but I only have sex with the person I'm in a relationship with.

For now, I'm not looking to be in a relationship until I figure this out. I'll be lurking around for a while and I'm sure I'll have a lot of questions eventually. If I can't find the answers in any of the threads, you'll be hearing from me!
"obviously" ? I hate that word. When I was doing my math degree, that was the word you used when you knew what you were supposed to get for a solution, but you couldn't make the connection, so you fudged it by pretending it was obvious.

"obviously" you can be attracted to men and women at the same time, because you're doing it!

As for relationship abstinence, that's probably not a bad idea if that's how you're feeling at the moment. Try dating a bit without getting serious with anyone, and just see how different people and situations "feel" to you. If you can't have sex outside of love, that's perfectly fine. You don't have to sleep with the people you're dating.

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
This is my issue.......We know what a heterosexual lifestyle looks like. You enter into a monogamous relationship with a person of the opposite gender. And, we know what a homosexual lifestyle looks like. You enter into a monogamous relationsihp with a person of the same gender.

But what the heck does a bisexual lifstyle look like???

My answer is polyamory !!!
First, surely you're not saying that there are no heterosexual or homosexual polyamorous people? Because I've met plenty of them on this forum.

"Obviously" they don't form triads (2 girls and 1 boy, or 2 boys and 1 girl, all in love with each other) but they can form V's, W's, squares, or many other geometries. So one man could have two girlfriends, or one woman could have two boyfriends, or one couple could date another couple, but only heterosexually (so both of the women date both of the men, but the men don't date each other, nor do the women)...

Second, there are bisexual monogamous people. Bisexuality refers only to the gender of people to whom you're attracted. Monogamous people can be attracted to both genders. I believe that sexual orientation is primarily inherent, i.e. you retain it even when you're single, and you retain it when you enter any kind of relationship. That's not to say it can't change, just that being attracted to someone doesn't "make" it change, so much as it changing "makes" you attracted to someone.

I'm sure there are exceptions, there always are. I'm not trying to take away from your experience. I see no reason why someone can't live their life as a lesbian, and then meet some guy whom she's strangely attracted to, be in a relationship with him for a while, and then when it's over, she still only wants to be with women. I wouldn't even stop her from calling herself a lesbian while she's with him, even though most lesbians would be up in arms over that :P
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Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. " -- Louis de Bernières
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  #5  
Old 06-11-2010, 03:52 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
First, surely you're not saying that there are no heterosexual or homosexual polyamorous people? Because I've met plenty of them on this forum.
No, I didn't say that, you're right. What I said was Polyamory is the answer to the question about how to live a Bisexual lifestyle for a bisexual person. I wasn't refering to what the polyamorous lifestyle is like for heterosexuals or homosexuals.

Quote:
Second, there are bisexual monogamous people. Bisexuality refers only to the gender of people to whom you're attracted. Monogamous people can be attracted to both genders. I believe that sexual orientation is primarily inherent, i.e. you retain it even when you're single, and you retain it when you enter any kind of relationship. That's not to say it can't change, just that being attracted to someone doesn't "make" it change, so much as it changing "makes" you attracted to someone.
Well- there is a difference between a sexual orientation and a chosen lifestyle. I lived a lesbian lifestyle for 12 years when I was in a monogamous relationship with another woman. And I have lived a heterosexual lifestyle for the last 12 years as I have had a number of monoagmous relationships with men.

Quote:
I'm sure there are exceptions, there always are. I'm not trying to take away from your experience. I see no reason why someone can't live their life as a lesbian, and then meet some guy whom she's strangely attracted to, be in a relationship with him for a while, and then when it's over, she still only wants to be with women. I wouldn't even stop her from calling herself a lesbian while she's with him, even though most lesbians would be up in arms over that :P
Yeah...that's the dilemma. You can have a "bisexual orientation", but if you are monogamous, you have to choose a "lifestyle" of either straight or gay. There is no "bisexual lifestyle" per se. As a bisexual person- when I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman, it was a lesbian lifestyle. I was a bisexually oriented woman living a gay lifestyle. And for the last 12 years, I have been a bisexual woman living a heterosexual lifestyle by being in monogamous relationships with men.....neither lifestyle was fullfilling for me because something was missing in both cases.

So- what I said was..... for me, the polyamorous lifestyle which allows for multiple partners is the way that I am able to truly live a bisexual "lifestyle" since I can have a male partner and a female partner......
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  #6  
Old 06-11-2010, 09:41 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Well- there is a difference between a sexual orientation and a chosen lifestyle. You can have a "bisexual orientation", but if you are monogamous, you have to choose a "lifestyle" of either straight or gay. There is no "bisexual lifestyle" per se. As a bisexual person- when I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman, it was a lesbian lifestyle. I was a bisexually oriented woman living a gay lifestyle. And for the last 12 years, I have been a bisexual woman living a heterosexual lifestyle by being in monogamous relationships with men.....neither lifestyle was fullfilling for me because something was missing in both cases.

So- what I said was..... for me, the polyamorous lifestyle which allows for multiple partners is the way that I am able to truly live a bisexual "lifestyle" since I can have a male partner and a female partner......
Hey, cool! I find that very interesting. Thank you for explaining that. I don't want to hijack the thread, but I think there's some relevance here to the original post. The whole notion of, can a lesbian be attracted to a man?

When you were living a lesbian lifestyle, did you find yourself fully immersed in the whole ... I don't want to say "LGBT culture" but hopefully you know what I mean? Was it like the L-word? :P or did you mostly have the same friends and social circle that you have in the hetero lifestyle?

Sorry to pry, I just find this description very fascinating. I'm trying to figure out to which extent your lesbian and hetero lifestyles extend into the rest of your life, or is it mainly just the relationship itself that changes?
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Gralson: my husband. Auto: my girlfriend.
Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. " -- Louis de Bernières
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Old 06-11-2010, 03:37 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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SchrodingersCat- it's interesting that I have been thinking about our conversation and sat down to share more thoughts when I found your question which is pertaining to exactly what was on my mind. I do think all of this is relevent to the original post also!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Hey, cool! I find that very interesting. Thank you for explaining that. I don't want to hijack the thread, but I think there's some relevance here to the original post. The whole notion of, can a lesbian be attracted to a man?
Again- you would have to look at the Kinsey Scale (which I've attached). So- yes, a person who is living a lesbian lifestyle and/or a person who is identified as a lesbian (with a lesbian orientation) can be attracted to a man. There are homosexual people who have never been attracted to a person of the opposite gender. And there are heterosexual people who have never been attracted to a person of the same gender. It's not all black and white though. You also have to deal with denial. A person may be attracted to someone and unwilling to even admit it to themselves because of cultural programming.

Quote:
When you were living a lesbian lifestyle, did you find yourself fully immersed in the whole ... I don't want to say "LGBT culture" but hopefully you know what I mean? Was it like the L-word? :P or did you mostly have the same friends and social circle that you have in the hetero lifestyle?
When I was living the lesbian lifestyle, we had a whole different social circle and set of friends. As a lesbian couple, we did not socialize with hetersexual couples unless they were our sibblings. When I made the decision to pursue a heterosexual lifestyle, I had to change my entire social network. They did not overlap for me at all.

Quote:
Sorry to pry, I just find this description very fascinating. I'm trying to figure out to which extent your lesbian and hetero lifestyles extend into the rest of your life, or is it mainly just the relationship itself that changes?
For me, it extended into all of my life. Changing the "lifestyle" changed my life. Which brings me to the point I wanted to share.

If you are a polyamorous bisexual and living a lesbian lifestyle, the lesbian community will not accept it. In other words.....do not try to bring a male lover with you to a social setting of lesbians and expect them to support you. They will not for the most part. I found that a bisexual person had no support in the lesbian community when it came down to having a male lover. Lesbians do not want to deal with male lovers.

The heterosexual community won't support me because of the inherent non-monogamous aspect of having two (or more) lovers.

So- for me- as a bisexual person, the polyamorous community is where I get my support. This is the only community which will support me for having a male and a female lover or lovers.

(also-the "swingers" community will support my bisexuality....so even though I don't want to identify as a "swinger" I can enjoy some support and validation from them.)
Attached Images
File Type: png Kinsey Scale.png (12.9 KB, 2 views)
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Last edited by idealist; 06-11-2010 at 03:44 PM.
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Old 06-11-2010, 04:11 PM
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Default More thoughts about bisexuality

Even if a bisexual person is not willing to admit their own bisexuality- they are able to get some relief and satisfaction for themselves by particpating in the polyamorous or swinging communities. And they can enjoy some bisexual activity (even if it's just viewing people of the same gender) without ever having to admit to themselves or anyone else that they are in fact bisexual.
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